this is a song by blue october, i really like this song because its not the run-of-the-mill pop song about love or guys or having a good time. and it strikes a chord whenever i listen to it...
click here to listen to the song and watch the video
[message on voicemail:] Hi Justin! This is your mother. It is 2:33 on Monday afternoon. I was just calling to see how you were doing. You sounded really uptight last night, it made me a little nervous, and a little, well it made me nervous, but it sounded like you were nervous too. I just want to make sure you are really okay and wanted to see if you were checking in on your medication too. You know I love ya and take care honey. I know you're under a lot of pressure. See ya. Bye Bye!
I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me? it is I that wanted space
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you
Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you
I’m sober now for 3 whole months it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won’t touch again
In my sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you
Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you
And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling “Make it go away!”
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered “How can you do this to me?”
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you
Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you
For you
For you
For you
Saturday, December 30, 2006
Friday, December 29, 2006
it's my party n i'll cry if i want to...
one of my favourite songs from childhood is a popular oldie, where the singer wails that "it's my party n i'll cry if i want to...."
how apt. i feel like a captain who has lost control of the ship. like the soup spoiled by too many cooks.
despite being thrilled to have a party, i sometimes feel like i have no say in whatsoever. my cake can't have the pink icing, i can't have purple balloons and we can't play musical chairs. yes, it does seems petty at times, but if i can't have what i want, exactly the way i want it, it wouldn't be my party anymore now, would it?
i feel like bawling my eyes out like a five year old, throwing a tantrum n stamping my feet, but we all know it wouldn't get us anywhere now, would it? i have to swallow all that comes with it, smile sweetly and say, of course, anything else? otherwise, i may not have a party at all, right? all five year olds know that, so why is it so hard to take then?
because it's my party n i'll cry if i want to!!!!
cry if i want to...
cry if i want to...
u would cry too if it happens to u!!!!
how apt. i feel like a captain who has lost control of the ship. like the soup spoiled by too many cooks.
despite being thrilled to have a party, i sometimes feel like i have no say in whatsoever. my cake can't have the pink icing, i can't have purple balloons and we can't play musical chairs. yes, it does seems petty at times, but if i can't have what i want, exactly the way i want it, it wouldn't be my party anymore now, would it?
i feel like bawling my eyes out like a five year old, throwing a tantrum n stamping my feet, but we all know it wouldn't get us anywhere now, would it? i have to swallow all that comes with it, smile sweetly and say, of course, anything else? otherwise, i may not have a party at all, right? all five year olds know that, so why is it so hard to take then?
because it's my party n i'll cry if i want to!!!!
cry if i want to...
cry if i want to...
u would cry too if it happens to u!!!!
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
when death calls
i noticed as i wrote the title that death seems to be a recurring topic here. no, it's not that i'm morbid (maybe slightly) nor is it because i am obsessed by it. death is just all around us, a part of us, directly, or not. expected or otherwise. whether we acknowledge it or ignore it, it is an essential part of life, to keep the equation balanced, and to make all things equal. for in death, nothing escapes, nothing is spared.
when death calls, all will have to answer. when death calls, none is given a second chance.
who gets to decide, really? i mean, when the time comes for a pet to expire, does the vet or the owner have the right to say that, tis the time to say good-bye? or the doctor who gives the news that the time to pull the respirator has come? the murderer who robs the last breath of the victim? who gets to be god and decide?
NO ONE. none has the right. not even the person who takes his own life. for it is not their decision to make. not his, not yours, not mine. for we who decide, are merely heeding the age old call of death. we are merely the hand that carries out the task. the voice that proclaims that the time has come. we are merely the messenger.
when death calls.
good bye to all, to those who have answered the call, the past the present and the future. to those we have lost, am losing and those that we will come to lose. to those we had to aid in their passing. to those who passed away in sorrow, in pain, in anger, in fear, in shock, in delight, in greed, in happiness, in love, in honour, in pride, in responsibility, in sacrifice, in contempt, in hopelessness, in nonchalance.
when death calls.
when death calls, all will have to answer. when death calls, none is given a second chance.
who gets to decide, really? i mean, when the time comes for a pet to expire, does the vet or the owner have the right to say that, tis the time to say good-bye? or the doctor who gives the news that the time to pull the respirator has come? the murderer who robs the last breath of the victim? who gets to be god and decide?
NO ONE. none has the right. not even the person who takes his own life. for it is not their decision to make. not his, not yours, not mine. for we who decide, are merely heeding the age old call of death. we are merely the hand that carries out the task. the voice that proclaims that the time has come. we are merely the messenger.
when death calls.
good bye to all, to those who have answered the call, the past the present and the future. to those we have lost, am losing and those that we will come to lose. to those we had to aid in their passing. to those who passed away in sorrow, in pain, in anger, in fear, in shock, in delight, in greed, in happiness, in love, in honour, in pride, in responsibility, in sacrifice, in contempt, in hopelessness, in nonchalance.
when death calls.
Thursday, November 16, 2006
u say, i jump!
i learned a new phrase that day...when someone makes a single comment, u have ten things to do!!!
how apt! i feel like that sometimes. when i have an errand to run, i normally try to do my best, especially if it is on someone's behalf. but lately i feel that my life has been over taken by these requests. sometimes i feel inconvenienced, sometimes i feel frustrated.
especially after i have put extra effort to making everything right, and a single suggestion or comment sends me frantically running around, trying to please, trying to undo and redo what i have done earlier.
especially if someone's decision encompasses my life, affecting me directly or not.
when someone says jump, i have to ask how high, when they say fly, i have to ask how far?
and i don't have a choice to refuse. sigh.
i feel like charlie brown rite now, with those big spirals for eyes....
how apt! i feel like that sometimes. when i have an errand to run, i normally try to do my best, especially if it is on someone's behalf. but lately i feel that my life has been over taken by these requests. sometimes i feel inconvenienced, sometimes i feel frustrated.
especially after i have put extra effort to making everything right, and a single suggestion or comment sends me frantically running around, trying to please, trying to undo and redo what i have done earlier.
especially if someone's decision encompasses my life, affecting me directly or not.
when someone says jump, i have to ask how high, when they say fly, i have to ask how far?
and i don't have a choice to refuse. sigh.
i feel like charlie brown rite now, with those big spirals for eyes....
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
taking a short break :)
"my favourite spot in the garden :)"
things have been really hectic of late for me...what with moving back home, changing jobs, my grandma's demise, and now, a wedding!
so in case u are wondering if i have stopped writing, i have not. i'm just stepping back a pace n getting a little cat's nap to catch up on myself n my life.
so thanks if u are still patiently checking out my blog for something new, i promise i'll write more, just not so soon n regularly ya!!!
huggies
if u are bored, check this out instead :)
http://wedding-bells-ding-a-ling.blogspot.com/
Friday, September 22, 2006
expectations....
the higher u aim, the harder u fall.....
does it mean that the higher u aspire, the more painful it is when u fail to reach your goal? or does it mean that the grander ur ambitions, the harder it is for u to reach them.
from the knocks i've had in life, i learned that expectations can be a very painful experince. when u fail to meet ur parents expectations, how painful it is to see the hope in their eyes fade away when they realise that their dreams will not materialise.
when someone else fails ur expectations, it is a gut-wrenching experience when the truth hits u. it feels almost as if someone pulled the carpet from beneath ur feet and u are left tumbling in the void that was once filled with ur expectations.
it can be dangerous when we expect more than the other party can give. for expectations is a dynamic see-saw, it's like giving and receiving.only when the other reciprocate will our expectations be fulfilled. and many times, we expect more than what the other is ready or able to give.
expecting too much places a tremendous strain on the relationship -may it be a employer/employee or a man/woman relationship. and when we expect too much, we are not being honest to ourselves. for deep-down, we know what the other is able to offer. but we ignore our intuition n demand, demand, demand, for we hope that there might be the smallest chance our demands will be fulfilled....
so, be honest to urself, n to others. for every demand, there is an expectation, n if u know u can't, why do u expect others to?
does it mean that the higher u aspire, the more painful it is when u fail to reach your goal? or does it mean that the grander ur ambitions, the harder it is for u to reach them.
from the knocks i've had in life, i learned that expectations can be a very painful experince. when u fail to meet ur parents expectations, how painful it is to see the hope in their eyes fade away when they realise that their dreams will not materialise.
when someone else fails ur expectations, it is a gut-wrenching experience when the truth hits u. it feels almost as if someone pulled the carpet from beneath ur feet and u are left tumbling in the void that was once filled with ur expectations.
it can be dangerous when we expect more than the other party can give. for expectations is a dynamic see-saw, it's like giving and receiving.only when the other reciprocate will our expectations be fulfilled. and many times, we expect more than what the other is ready or able to give.
expecting too much places a tremendous strain on the relationship -may it be a employer/employee or a man/woman relationship. and when we expect too much, we are not being honest to ourselves. for deep-down, we know what the other is able to offer. but we ignore our intuition n demand, demand, demand, for we hope that there might be the smallest chance our demands will be fulfilled....
so, be honest to urself, n to others. for every demand, there is an expectation, n if u know u can't, why do u expect others to?
Thursday, August 31, 2006
merdeka!!! merdeka!!! merdeka!!!
in my previous post, i was rather upset that i didn't have something positive to write about malaysia, the country i love. and i had a good think about it.
what do i love about malaysia? what makes me proud to be malaysian?
ok, lets try...in no particular order...except which point the idea popped into my head...
1. i love the warmth of malaysians. truly. when i went to singapore for two weeks during my student years, i realised that the nicest, friendliest, most generous people i met there were malaysians! they offered me their home, their time, their company. it was a really pleasant surprise. malaysians don't have to be in malaysia to exude the warmth n generousity that we've been famous for all around the world!
2. what can say? food glorious food!!!! i have a ongoing gastronomic affair which started the first time i bite into a roti canai dipped in chicken curry, my first slurp of penang asam laksa, my first taste of ice kacang...sigh...one of the best thing about being multi-racial is that the variety of food which results from this mish mash of culture is mind-boggling!!!
3. the availabilty of everything...i mean, we get music not only from america, but britian, taiwan, japan, korea, india!!! to give u a rough idea. and the choice of clothes, and daily goods, branded or cheap, the selection is endless, or at least, limited by the amount of cash u have in ur wallet. many a friend and relative visiting from overseas actually found that their luggage multiplied by the time they are ready to stop shopping and go home :O)
4. how rojak our language is. sometimes i amaze myself when i start counting how many different ways i can converse with someone else. mandarin, bahasa malaysia, teochew, hokkien, cantonese, english, and not forgetting-manglish and our ever popular sign language..to be used when driving of course!
5. the beautiful, bountiful treasures nature has endowed upon us. we have fantastic beaches, astounding caves, amazing forests, delicious fruits and beautiful flowers of the earth and oh yeah, pretty nice people too!
6. the diversity of the people.i have yet to stop making a new friend of different and interesting background...malay, chinese, indian, iban, kadazan, chindian, portugese+chinese+indian, thai+malay+chinese, i mean, like maths, the probabilities are endless... and it's fascinating to see how the cultures merge and melt and new ones are formed while old ones are cherished.
the list goes on...please add on if there is something u would to share too, maybe i forgot ur favourite...like they say, count ur blessings. perhaps merdeka day should be also made malaysian thanksgiving day.....for us to truly appreciate what we have.
selamat merdeka malaysians!!!!!
what do i love about malaysia? what makes me proud to be malaysian?
ok, lets try...in no particular order...except which point the idea popped into my head...
1. i love the warmth of malaysians. truly. when i went to singapore for two weeks during my student years, i realised that the nicest, friendliest, most generous people i met there were malaysians! they offered me their home, their time, their company. it was a really pleasant surprise. malaysians don't have to be in malaysia to exude the warmth n generousity that we've been famous for all around the world!
2. what can say? food glorious food!!!! i have a ongoing gastronomic affair which started the first time i bite into a roti canai dipped in chicken curry, my first slurp of penang asam laksa, my first taste of ice kacang...sigh...one of the best thing about being multi-racial is that the variety of food which results from this mish mash of culture is mind-boggling!!!
3. the availabilty of everything...i mean, we get music not only from america, but britian, taiwan, japan, korea, india!!! to give u a rough idea. and the choice of clothes, and daily goods, branded or cheap, the selection is endless, or at least, limited by the amount of cash u have in ur wallet. many a friend and relative visiting from overseas actually found that their luggage multiplied by the time they are ready to stop shopping and go home :O)
4. how rojak our language is. sometimes i amaze myself when i start counting how many different ways i can converse with someone else. mandarin, bahasa malaysia, teochew, hokkien, cantonese, english, and not forgetting-manglish and our ever popular sign language..to be used when driving of course!
5. the beautiful, bountiful treasures nature has endowed upon us. we have fantastic beaches, astounding caves, amazing forests, delicious fruits and beautiful flowers of the earth and oh yeah, pretty nice people too!
6. the diversity of the people.i have yet to stop making a new friend of different and interesting background...malay, chinese, indian, iban, kadazan, chindian, portugese+chinese+indian, thai+malay+chinese, i mean, like maths, the probabilities are endless... and it's fascinating to see how the cultures merge and melt and new ones are formed while old ones are cherished.
the list goes on...please add on if there is something u would to share too, maybe i forgot ur favourite...like they say, count ur blessings. perhaps merdeka day should be also made malaysian thanksgiving day.....for us to truly appreciate what we have.
selamat merdeka malaysians!!!!!
Saturday, August 26, 2006
49 years of independence...
49 years of independence and counting!!!
by birth, i am a citizen of malaysia, and proud to be one. we have been independent for 49 years and there are many things to be proud of...but if one were to pick up the newspaper today, u would seriously think otherwise, and it is hard to maintain my pride as a malaysian as i am struggling to make sense of what i see in the dailies too!
one would have thought that history will be our best teacher. apparently, one makes mistakes too! despite several tragedies, it seems that malaysia has yet to learn from her mistakes. the collapse of the condominiums in kl in the late 90's, the death and injuries of snatch theif victims, terrible road accidents that plague our festive seasons, the death and collapse of communities during the nipah virus outbreak, the tsunami in 2004. the yearly haze...health threatening yet not important enough for pro-active action to be taken. what have we learnt from these? the government and the people were shocked and appropriately sympathetic when the tragedies happen, but after several press statements and the formation of fund and problem solving committees later, the issues died down, never to be heard of again until the next tragedy occurs. then the finger pointing begins...
how much death and loss does it take before SERIOUS action is taken? what happens to the pledges by various people to improve and prevent similar situations from occuring? what happens to the money that were collected in the name of the victims, but never reaches their hands? why isn't the government doing enough???
the proudest and loudest tagline of our nation is that we are a harmonious and tolerant multiracial community. hah! tolerance...tolerance is not punishing people who do things you actually don't like - Wikipedia...is that what our society is like? where our harmony results from not being punished for being of a different race? should we just rest on our laurels simply because leaders of other nations have praised our multiracial society? what sort of signal are we sending to others when offhand remarks with a racist slur can be made and simply excused on the basis that "it wasn't meant to be harmful?". should there even be a demand for public apology by the offended before the offender says sorry???
does tolerance means that when u are shouted and threatened by others you have to forgive and forget? especially when all u did was set up a student help desk to help the freshies in your local varsity? why was the committee which was set up to review the incidence not an independent one? if students are allowed to hassle and bully others (regardless of reason) what sort of example is the unversity setting? i remember being punished by my mother for starting any fight with my siblings, regardless of the reason for initiating the fight. for violence is never acceptable. only the beasts (mind u, not animals but beasts) resort to violence.
please see the video below. http://www.malaysianbar.org.my/component/option,com_docman/task,doc_details/gid,713/Itemid,120/
do u really think what is reported by the star newspaper, fair action?(http://thestar.com.my/news/story.asp?file=/2006/8/19/nation/15186612&sec=nation)
"SERDANG: Universiti Putra Malaysia (UPM) will not hand down punitive action
against the students involved in the July 17 fracas, which the inquiry panel
found to be non-racist and non-violent.
Vice-chancellor Prof Dr Nik Mustapha R. Abdullah said they would instead
be “advised” and “re-educated” on the correct behaviour on campus and the need to
respect the university's rules and regulations."
perhaps when the students grow up, they will think that anything they do will be forgiven and forgotten as long as they did it in "good faith", as exampled by the officers who signed away the rights to all billboard advertisments to a private company. despite making a shady deal mounting to millions of ringgit, these officers were let off without any punishment by the minister in charge. have the people at the top become omnipotent? does it mean that when u dance to the tune of the right leader, u shall be protected of all wrong doings, just because the minister/top person in charge said that u are right? even though the rest of the society is crying "bloody murder"???
check out the news at "http://www.sun2surf.com/article.cfm?id=15108"
what happened to justice and transparency? what happened to seeing that the people's interest comes first? what happened to the nation i am so proud of???
oh dear, looks like i have to go and think about what was it that i was so proud of to be a malysian in the first place.
happy merdeka??? 49 years of independence and this is what we have....
by birth, i am a citizen of malaysia, and proud to be one. we have been independent for 49 years and there are many things to be proud of...but if one were to pick up the newspaper today, u would seriously think otherwise, and it is hard to maintain my pride as a malaysian as i am struggling to make sense of what i see in the dailies too!
one would have thought that history will be our best teacher. apparently, one makes mistakes too! despite several tragedies, it seems that malaysia has yet to learn from her mistakes. the collapse of the condominiums in kl in the late 90's, the death and injuries of snatch theif victims, terrible road accidents that plague our festive seasons, the death and collapse of communities during the nipah virus outbreak, the tsunami in 2004. the yearly haze...health threatening yet not important enough for pro-active action to be taken. what have we learnt from these? the government and the people were shocked and appropriately sympathetic when the tragedies happen, but after several press statements and the formation of fund and problem solving committees later, the issues died down, never to be heard of again until the next tragedy occurs. then the finger pointing begins...
how much death and loss does it take before SERIOUS action is taken? what happens to the pledges by various people to improve and prevent similar situations from occuring? what happens to the money that were collected in the name of the victims, but never reaches their hands? why isn't the government doing enough???
the proudest and loudest tagline of our nation is that we are a harmonious and tolerant multiracial community. hah! tolerance...tolerance is not punishing people who do things you actually don't like - Wikipedia...is that what our society is like? where our harmony results from not being punished for being of a different race? should we just rest on our laurels simply because leaders of other nations have praised our multiracial society? what sort of signal are we sending to others when offhand remarks with a racist slur can be made and simply excused on the basis that "it wasn't meant to be harmful?". should there even be a demand for public apology by the offended before the offender says sorry???
does tolerance means that when u are shouted and threatened by others you have to forgive and forget? especially when all u did was set up a student help desk to help the freshies in your local varsity? why was the committee which was set up to review the incidence not an independent one? if students are allowed to hassle and bully others (regardless of reason) what sort of example is the unversity setting? i remember being punished by my mother for starting any fight with my siblings, regardless of the reason for initiating the fight. for violence is never acceptable. only the beasts (mind u, not animals but beasts) resort to violence.
please see the video below. http://www.malaysianbar.org.my/component/option,com_docman/task,doc_details/gid,713/Itemid,120/
do u really think what is reported by the star newspaper, fair action?(http://thestar.com.my/news/story.asp?file=/2006/8/19/nation/15186612&sec=nation)
"SERDANG: Universiti Putra Malaysia (UPM) will not hand down punitive action
against the students involved in the July 17 fracas, which the inquiry panel
found to be non-racist and non-violent.
Vice-chancellor Prof Dr Nik Mustapha R. Abdullah said they would instead
be “advised” and “re-educated” on the correct behaviour on campus and the need to
respect the university's rules and regulations."
perhaps when the students grow up, they will think that anything they do will be forgiven and forgotten as long as they did it in "good faith", as exampled by the officers who signed away the rights to all billboard advertisments to a private company. despite making a shady deal mounting to millions of ringgit, these officers were let off without any punishment by the minister in charge. have the people at the top become omnipotent? does it mean that when u dance to the tune of the right leader, u shall be protected of all wrong doings, just because the minister/top person in charge said that u are right? even though the rest of the society is crying "bloody murder"???
check out the news at "http://www.sun2surf.com/article.cfm?id=15108"
what happened to justice and transparency? what happened to seeing that the people's interest comes first? what happened to the nation i am so proud of???
oh dear, looks like i have to go and think about what was it that i was so proud of to be a malysian in the first place.
happy merdeka??? 49 years of independence and this is what we have....
Friday, August 11, 2006
i have nothing to write about....???
i haven't written for awhile...perhaps because i had nothing much to say, or maybe too much, i didn't know what to write. perhaps i was just enjoying the simple pleasure of day to day life, and felt that there was nothing special to write about.
i think i am wrong. there is something special in all our daily lives if we only take the time to notice it. if only we knew how to appreciate how wonderful our daily lives are, what a blessing that would be!
we fail to realise how much we take a normal day for granted until something goes wrong.
i'm so lucky that my work goes smoothly, and when i reach home, mom has a delicious meal all prepared for us. i'm so lucky when i open the fridge, there is ice-cream and fresh milk. i'm so lucky that every night when i close my eyes, i do not have to fear that it will be the last time i see the world. i 'm so lucky that every morning that greets me is filled with sunshine and birdsong and not missiles whistling their death song above my head. i am thankful that i have a job that keeps me clothed and feeds me. i may not have enough to buy diamonds or furs, but it makes me happy to have my job.
i am born chinese in a predominantly muslim society but yet i am thankful for i do not have to fear that my neighbour will turn and scream at me and accuse me of anti-patriotism...simply because our skin colour differs or because we belive in different gods.
i am lucky to have family and friends and people who knows me and loves me and accepts me for who i am...i am lucky.
perhaps if i wrote about the bountiful gifts that fills my life, i guess i will never want for another subject to write on. for life is filled with goodness, if only we know how to see it.
for everything and everyone is special, if only we were lucky enough to realise it. but u can, if u try.
have a great weekend!!!!
i think i am wrong. there is something special in all our daily lives if we only take the time to notice it. if only we knew how to appreciate how wonderful our daily lives are, what a blessing that would be!
we fail to realise how much we take a normal day for granted until something goes wrong.
i'm so lucky that my work goes smoothly, and when i reach home, mom has a delicious meal all prepared for us. i'm so lucky when i open the fridge, there is ice-cream and fresh milk. i'm so lucky that every night when i close my eyes, i do not have to fear that it will be the last time i see the world. i 'm so lucky that every morning that greets me is filled with sunshine and birdsong and not missiles whistling their death song above my head. i am thankful that i have a job that keeps me clothed and feeds me. i may not have enough to buy diamonds or furs, but it makes me happy to have my job.
i am born chinese in a predominantly muslim society but yet i am thankful for i do not have to fear that my neighbour will turn and scream at me and accuse me of anti-patriotism...simply because our skin colour differs or because we belive in different gods.
i am lucky to have family and friends and people who knows me and loves me and accepts me for who i am...i am lucky.
perhaps if i wrote about the bountiful gifts that fills my life, i guess i will never want for another subject to write on. for life is filled with goodness, if only we know how to see it.
for everything and everyone is special, if only we were lucky enough to realise it. but u can, if u try.
have a great weekend!!!!
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
Ever wonder what the back of a Smiley Face looks like?
http://www.superlaughecards.com/1/smileback.htm
please cut and paste n enjoy!!!! thanks aunty swee, i love it!
i had a great smile today...hope u have one too!!!!
please cut and paste n enjoy!!!! thanks aunty swee, i love it!
i had a great smile today...hope u have one too!!!!
Sunday, July 30, 2006
making a stand
recently, students were creating headlines in the local dailies when a group of undergraduates tried to bully another group of students from the same university. a lot of "who-hah" was made, and a lot of police reports were done too. but the ending of the tale has yet to come because a committee was set up to study and find a solution to the matter.
first and foremost, it was terrible that the situation could have happened and security guards at the scene did nothing to prevent it from getting worse. it is also bad that the students responsible for heckling the other party were not immediately reprimanded for their act. what sort of message is this sending to the public? is it ok to make havoc simply because there is strength in numbers? should not the bystanders who had the authority to do something be reprimanded for not doing anything? for what is the use of "security" guards if not to provide security?
there is no excuse for bullying, regardless of whether u are students acting in the name of "righteousness" or whether u are a greedy country armed with superior weapons and no brains. why are those able to do something so passive? yes, the lines have to be drawn and the situation analysed, but in the meanwhile, how many more victims are to be sacrificed while the powers that be forms a committee, sit on the problem and let it stew?
if the situation had gone out of hand and someone was hurt...or worse, will it then be the right time to do something? when the situation threatens to harm ur own interests, perhaps then it will be the time to take a stand?
let there be no doubt that there is still fairness in this world. let there be no doubt that the wrong should be punished and the right be protected. and while the powers in control debate about the political rightness of it all, let the innocent be protected for they are the true victims in this game we call politics.
first and foremost, it was terrible that the situation could have happened and security guards at the scene did nothing to prevent it from getting worse. it is also bad that the students responsible for heckling the other party were not immediately reprimanded for their act. what sort of message is this sending to the public? is it ok to make havoc simply because there is strength in numbers? should not the bystanders who had the authority to do something be reprimanded for not doing anything? for what is the use of "security" guards if not to provide security?
there is no excuse for bullying, regardless of whether u are students acting in the name of "righteousness" or whether u are a greedy country armed with superior weapons and no brains. why are those able to do something so passive? yes, the lines have to be drawn and the situation analysed, but in the meanwhile, how many more victims are to be sacrificed while the powers that be forms a committee, sit on the problem and let it stew?
if the situation had gone out of hand and someone was hurt...or worse, will it then be the right time to do something? when the situation threatens to harm ur own interests, perhaps then it will be the time to take a stand?
let there be no doubt that there is still fairness in this world. let there be no doubt that the wrong should be punished and the right be protected. and while the powers in control debate about the political rightness of it all, let the innocent be protected for they are the true victims in this game we call politics.
Thursday, July 20, 2006
contemplation
one day, i want to take a long walk, through a beautiful green forest. where the tree tops can barely be discerned, and only the sunlight streaming through can mark where the leaves touch the sky.
where the birds hop and pick at the seeds and berries, and thrill at each other, boasting the bounty of their find. where the wind gently whisper in ur ears, and the leaves rustle in agreement at whatever they say. where the grass is soft and luxurious, and richer still are the smells of the rich earth and its gifts.
every step i take will be a step towards paradise. every step further from the madness of the world. and keeping me company will be the mountain brook, clear and sweet. where the fishes leap and play among the pebbles and the reeds.
and when i reach my destination, flowers are waving their gaily heads at me, bursting with colour and delight. the cliff will reveal a view so gorgeous, my eyes will weep. for beyond lies what i seek.
and i will spread my arms and take a leap, and fly like the bird, free and weightless, into the blue space i seek.
Thursday, July 06, 2006
to be or not to be?
decision making...when u start making decisions that will set ur course of life, it means that u have reached adulthood. it used to be pretty tough to make decisions...what course should i study? what do i want to become? studying a particular field doesn't necessarily mean that u will end up making a career from it in the future. and most young people on the threshold of that bright thing called future hesitate to be bold enough to make the decision, for fear that they will have to live with it for the rest of their life. so they leave the decision to their parents...and should they end up unhappy, they have someone else to blame.
making decisions was a new experience for me. having lived in a safe haven i was always sheltered from the bad, bad world, with my parents by my side. so when i stood by my decision to take up the course of my choice in university, i felt that i was on shaky ground. it took time to show my parents that i was answering a calling, that i was serious. but it felt good when i knew that they supported my decision.
after my first life mapping decision (hey! i wanted to make a career of it!) i felt empowered. i felt bold. perhaps a bit rash. nothing could stop me. perhaps that was why i decided to fall in love for the first time, against my mom's advice. perhaps that was why i decided to stand up for a friend who was wronged, and ended up being ostracised by half of my course mates. regardless, they were my decisions. good, bad or ugly, i stand by them. no regrets, no looking back, no what ifs...well, i try anyway.
but then i realised there was another aspect to decision making. the important ones that will affect my life, affects those who are close to me too. and hence, i lost a bit of my brashness, my boldness. for though i may tread where others may fear, but my loved ones will be holding their breath, every single step i make. it was no longer about me, me, me. it became we. us.
there are still things i long to do. like volunteer for the red cresent, and lend my helping hand in international crisis. but how can i leave, when my family needs me more at home? for doesn't charity starts at home? i long to traipse the world with nothing more than a back pack and a good pair of shoes till my bank account stands at zero (not a long way off actually). but dropping everything and doing whatever may be my whim n fancy, is something my conscience refuses to accept. and so the internal conflict wages on, where obligation and responsibility becomes a dirty word and love and dreams fight with each other when they should on the same side of the fence.
i envy those who are brave, and strong enough to do what they really want. for though some may call u selfish or silly, i know. i know that u have to stand firm when u make those decisions. sometimes alone, when no one agrees. or if u are lucky, sometimes with those who love u, n understand u, n supports u.
at the end of the day, whatever ur decision, when u lie awake in bed at night, u alone will have to bear the full brunt of the decisions u make. and whether u have a good sleep or a restless night pretty much depends on u. for it will be ur conscience u will have to answer to at the end of the day.
making decisions was a new experience for me. having lived in a safe haven i was always sheltered from the bad, bad world, with my parents by my side. so when i stood by my decision to take up the course of my choice in university, i felt that i was on shaky ground. it took time to show my parents that i was answering a calling, that i was serious. but it felt good when i knew that they supported my decision.
after my first life mapping decision (hey! i wanted to make a career of it!) i felt empowered. i felt bold. perhaps a bit rash. nothing could stop me. perhaps that was why i decided to fall in love for the first time, against my mom's advice. perhaps that was why i decided to stand up for a friend who was wronged, and ended up being ostracised by half of my course mates. regardless, they were my decisions. good, bad or ugly, i stand by them. no regrets, no looking back, no what ifs...well, i try anyway.
but then i realised there was another aspect to decision making. the important ones that will affect my life, affects those who are close to me too. and hence, i lost a bit of my brashness, my boldness. for though i may tread where others may fear, but my loved ones will be holding their breath, every single step i make. it was no longer about me, me, me. it became we. us.
there are still things i long to do. like volunteer for the red cresent, and lend my helping hand in international crisis. but how can i leave, when my family needs me more at home? for doesn't charity starts at home? i long to traipse the world with nothing more than a back pack and a good pair of shoes till my bank account stands at zero (not a long way off actually). but dropping everything and doing whatever may be my whim n fancy, is something my conscience refuses to accept. and so the internal conflict wages on, where obligation and responsibility becomes a dirty word and love and dreams fight with each other when they should on the same side of the fence.
i envy those who are brave, and strong enough to do what they really want. for though some may call u selfish or silly, i know. i know that u have to stand firm when u make those decisions. sometimes alone, when no one agrees. or if u are lucky, sometimes with those who love u, n understand u, n supports u.
at the end of the day, whatever ur decision, when u lie awake in bed at night, u alone will have to bear the full brunt of the decisions u make. and whether u have a good sleep or a restless night pretty much depends on u. for it will be ur conscience u will have to answer to at the end of the day.
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
my piece of sanity
where do u seek ur peace? when the world is crazy and ur mind is raging, where do u seek ur peace? when ur shoulders are drooping n ur eyes are red from fatigue, where do u seek ur peace? when u are lost and looking for a place to anchor ur emotions, where do u seek ur peace? when u had really hard day and ur muscles are aching, where do u seek ur peace?
one of my favourite "rites" is to turn on the computer, play my favourite music out loud to drown out the world and lose myself in writing...i can't stop..chatting with friends, writing emails, and pounding out my frustrations on the key board, almost like pounding away at whatever was bugging me.
taking a really long shower helps too. letting the water wash over u, carry away ur dusts of the day. let whatever that was bothering u slip over ur head, trickle pass ur eyelids, roll down ur back n off ur toes. ahhh....bliss....
going for a good walk, or cycling a hard mile and sweating it out. let the heat of ur anger steam and blow off with the passing wind. cool down, regain ur peace of mind, settle ur swinging moods and come back home with a smile instead of a frown.
but my favourite of all favourites? i reach for my hand phone, punch in the number automatically, and as i hear the phone start to ring, i almost hum with anticipation. and when i hear the voice, i release the breath i was holding...whoosh...there goes my pent up negative energy. going from grumpy to smiley is sometimes slow, but sure. and the days ahead don't look so gloomy and there is sunshine the next day. i can smile again, after i find my piece of sanity, my peace.
one of my favourite "rites" is to turn on the computer, play my favourite music out loud to drown out the world and lose myself in writing...i can't stop..chatting with friends, writing emails, and pounding out my frustrations on the key board, almost like pounding away at whatever was bugging me.
taking a really long shower helps too. letting the water wash over u, carry away ur dusts of the day. let whatever that was bothering u slip over ur head, trickle pass ur eyelids, roll down ur back n off ur toes. ahhh....bliss....
going for a good walk, or cycling a hard mile and sweating it out. let the heat of ur anger steam and blow off with the passing wind. cool down, regain ur peace of mind, settle ur swinging moods and come back home with a smile instead of a frown.
but my favourite of all favourites? i reach for my hand phone, punch in the number automatically, and as i hear the phone start to ring, i almost hum with anticipation. and when i hear the voice, i release the breath i was holding...whoosh...there goes my pent up negative energy. going from grumpy to smiley is sometimes slow, but sure. and the days ahead don't look so gloomy and there is sunshine the next day. i can smile again, after i find my piece of sanity, my peace.
Saturday, June 24, 2006
banging on the wall....
what do u do when u are dying to say something but u have to bite ur tongue?
what do u do when u long to do something but u have to control urself?
u go to a wall, or u take a hard piece of wood, then u start banging ur head against it. it's a typical course of action that most people take when in similar situations. perhaps its guilt or circumstances or even your own self confidence, the reasons many, the end result the same. we can't explain, nor we want to, nor we care to. sometimes we hold ourselves back, for we don't want to hurt someone, sometimes we hold back, to spite someone. sometimes, u hold back for the want never came, sometimes u hold back, for u want too much.
it's not good to hold back, the experts say. u should let it out, let the frustrations fly. whatever the experts say, it doesn't make a difference to what u are going thru. for despite the stomach ulcers that u get from all that holding back, or the insomnia, or the "funny illnesses" no doctor can diagnose or treat, the only relief u get from scientific studies are the antacids and a funny terminology of ur condition.
and the emotions turn to sour milk, and ur intentions dry n shrivel and what's left of ur dreams are only dusts in ur memory.
what's bugging me...? excuse me while i go find my wall n start banging my head. i...er...i can't say...
Monday, June 19, 2006
when the mouth stumbles....
if u are chinese, u may have heard of the phrase -speaking without thinking. it is such a widespread disease nowadays, i wonder if it is infectious or inheritable or perhaps it is just doggone difficult to control.
a religious man with influence in a large community in malaysia made a very STUPID remark not too long ago. he said "kongsi raya celebrations and open houses could erode muslim's faith and lead to blasphemy". it was baseless, proofless and vaguely instigating racism. when has partaking in the celebration and festivities of another race lead astray one from his religion? is the will of the muslim faith so weak that the sight of mandarin oranges and murukus drive them from believing in their one true GOD?
what makes the infidels (those embracing a different faith from muslims) so bad anyway? does believing in Allah means that u can do no wrong? please, i believe that all religious faith are good as long as the believer practises according to what the faith preaches. unfortunately, there are many out there who follow blindly and worse still, there are those who purposely misleads, due to their ignorance or perhaps their personal twisted perspective and understanding of their religion.
just because we may not follow the same path by embracing the same religion, it does not mean that we do not believe in the same cause-PEACE n LOVE
so, if u happen to be in a position of power or influence, stupidity is a poor excuse for saying rubbish. for ur words are heard by millions, and ur embarrassment multiplied manifolds when u open ur mouth and show how little is stored in that head of yours.
When the mouth stumbles, it is worse than when the foot does. -Oji Proverb
Monday, June 12, 2006
i wept...
i wanted to be strong, to provide support, to be brave and not to grieve. i tried hard. there were several times i thought i couldn't do it, but i managed. i took a deep breath, and i borrowed strength, and with a wipe of my sleeves, i was ok.
but i failed the other night. despite everything, i could not stop. i wept and i wept, and i allowed my grief to pour over me. i lost myself in the sorrow and i wept, for there were no more tommorrows with my grandma. i will not get to hug her nor kiss her when she puckers her lips. to tuck her into bed and snuggle up beside her and hear her recall her youth. no more impish smile from her face when she smells her cup of kopi-o, or her innocent look when she claims that we haven't given her afternoon tea (all the while dusting off her cookie crumbs).
my sweetest joy was to have the chance to grow up with my beautiful grandparents to teach me the finer points of life. the little secrets that u only get to learn from life when u have lived as long as they have.
but it is bittersweet, for u know that one day, they will have to leave u and let u go forth on ur own, with the knowledge and the love they have imparted to u. in the hope that it will be enough. selfishly, it is never enough, but we have to learn to let go.
with my tears, i was fighting a battle to let her go, and to wish my grandma peace and love. for the one thing that doesn't end when someone passes away is the love u have built together. it wasn't easy, and i'm still not ready, but little by little, i'm trying to say good bye. one small goodbye with every drop of tear.
i wept that night, hiding in the shadows which reflected my soul. for my mother gave me a heirloom to remember my grandma by. she gave me my grandma's engagement ring.
but i failed the other night. despite everything, i could not stop. i wept and i wept, and i allowed my grief to pour over me. i lost myself in the sorrow and i wept, for there were no more tommorrows with my grandma. i will not get to hug her nor kiss her when she puckers her lips. to tuck her into bed and snuggle up beside her and hear her recall her youth. no more impish smile from her face when she smells her cup of kopi-o, or her innocent look when she claims that we haven't given her afternoon tea (all the while dusting off her cookie crumbs).
my sweetest joy was to have the chance to grow up with my beautiful grandparents to teach me the finer points of life. the little secrets that u only get to learn from life when u have lived as long as they have.
but it is bittersweet, for u know that one day, they will have to leave u and let u go forth on ur own, with the knowledge and the love they have imparted to u. in the hope that it will be enough. selfishly, it is never enough, but we have to learn to let go.
with my tears, i was fighting a battle to let her go, and to wish my grandma peace and love. for the one thing that doesn't end when someone passes away is the love u have built together. it wasn't easy, and i'm still not ready, but little by little, i'm trying to say good bye. one small goodbye with every drop of tear.
i wept that night, hiding in the shadows which reflected my soul. for my mother gave me a heirloom to remember my grandma by. she gave me my grandma's engagement ring.
Friday, June 02, 2006
its a grey day...
have u noticed how we describe our emotions by colours? most commonly, we're blue or grey when we are feeling down. occasionally, we see red when we're angry and tickled pink when we're having a good laugh.
today, it poured early at dawn, n that has set the mood for my day. the sun is hiding behind the clouds, the leaves are weighed down by an indescribable sigh. its a grey day for me.
in moments of sorrow n despair, where can we look for help? when the situation seems almost unbearable, n u don't see any sun behind the heavy storm clouds, how do u survive? where do we seek hope and strength to go face our greatest fears?
who will see the tears unshed behind the brave facade? who will be strong for u when u are depended upon to be strong? how can u let your grief show when there are already waves upon waves of grief, washing over you?
let the skies cry for me, let the winds lament for me, for i shall be strong.
my beloved ah ma passed away today at 10 am, 2nd of june, 2006. may she rest in peace. she will be dearly missed.
today, it poured early at dawn, n that has set the mood for my day. the sun is hiding behind the clouds, the leaves are weighed down by an indescribable sigh. its a grey day for me.
in moments of sorrow n despair, where can we look for help? when the situation seems almost unbearable, n u don't see any sun behind the heavy storm clouds, how do u survive? where do we seek hope and strength to go face our greatest fears?
who will see the tears unshed behind the brave facade? who will be strong for u when u are depended upon to be strong? how can u let your grief show when there are already waves upon waves of grief, washing over you?
let the skies cry for me, let the winds lament for me, for i shall be strong.
my beloved ah ma passed away today at 10 am, 2nd of june, 2006. may she rest in peace. she will be dearly missed.
Monday, May 29, 2006
generousity of friends...
it is the time of the year for chinese dumplings again... it is a time when families gather n celebrate n feast...but i've not had the chance to celebrate this occasion with my family for the past 8 years now. first i was in university, n there were no holidays coinciding with this date. nor did i get the chance to return once i started working, for i was saving my holidays for chinese new year, which takes precedence. however, not once did i miss out on the delicious dumplings throughout the years, thanks to the generousity of my friends. some maybe inclined to buy the dumplings when they are far from home, but to me, the commercial ones sharpen my longing for my mom's delicious homemade ones. hence when i was offered one in my first year at uni, i was delighted. the dumpling was evermore special, because my friend who stayed near campus brought back the tasty treasures, homemade by her grandma. n she was generous enough to share her "precious" with me.
the trend continued and over the years, i have received dumplings from numerous friends, all homemade, all tasty.
even more generous are friends who open up their homes and their hearts to us. in their cosy abode, even a simple cup of tea becomes mead, for we eat what they eat, we drink what they drink. it doesn't matter that u do not share the same surname, when u cross the threshold, u are part of the family. it is ur home away from home.
the list of their acts of generousity grows-in all deeds, big or small. innumerous and invaluable. how can i ever repay what they have done for me? i can only begin to try... it is a monumental task, for which there is only one solution. to pass on the generousity i have received and multiply it by ten fold, and perhaps one day, the list will be done. but i hope not, for a neverending list means that my friends never stop giving and sharing, and i won't too.
in difficult times, friends are the support framework which carries us through when the family is far. without them, life would indeed be hard and lonely. we may not have been able to make it as far alone as we would have with the help of friends. in joy, friends not only share the moment, but they double it, for what is good fortune if it is not to be shared?
my heartfelt gratitude to those who have not only walked beside me and but carried me in my hour of need.
the trend continued and over the years, i have received dumplings from numerous friends, all homemade, all tasty.
even more generous are friends who open up their homes and their hearts to us. in their cosy abode, even a simple cup of tea becomes mead, for we eat what they eat, we drink what they drink. it doesn't matter that u do not share the same surname, when u cross the threshold, u are part of the family. it is ur home away from home.
the list of their acts of generousity grows-in all deeds, big or small. innumerous and invaluable. how can i ever repay what they have done for me? i can only begin to try... it is a monumental task, for which there is only one solution. to pass on the generousity i have received and multiply it by ten fold, and perhaps one day, the list will be done. but i hope not, for a neverending list means that my friends never stop giving and sharing, and i won't too.
in difficult times, friends are the support framework which carries us through when the family is far. without them, life would indeed be hard and lonely. we may not have been able to make it as far alone as we would have with the help of friends. in joy, friends not only share the moment, but they double it, for what is good fortune if it is not to be shared?
my heartfelt gratitude to those who have not only walked beside me and but carried me in my hour of need.
Sunday, May 28, 2006
privilege or bane?
when i was young, my parents were quite protective. i had to report everything i did, whether i was going out with friends or i was staying back at school for extracurricular activities. i couldn't sneeze without them finding out about it, sooner or later...most of the time sooner than calculated! being the adventurous and rebellious one of the family, i constantly pushed the limits of their boundaries. i never did anything downright outrageous, for i knew my chances would be nil. but pushing the limit a little at a time eventually brought about a satisfactory arrangement for both parties.
of course, to acheive that goal, i was constantly at loggerheads with my parents. especially when i was younger, i could not understand their reason. what i saw was only constant denial of my desires. i could not see that they were doing it out of a natural instinct to protect and preserve their progeny. more importantly, they were doing it out of love, to protect and to keep me safe from harm. to shelter me from the painful and realistic world. to reduce any hurt i may encounter in the process of trying to grow up.
time opened my eyes, and my heart. i grew to see their point of view.
when my parents had to undergo the painful process of losing their loved ones, i finally understood their act of sheltering me. you wish that you could transfer whatever they felt to you. you wish that you could reduce their pain, or even better, totally obliterate the cause of pain. you wish that you could smooth their worried brows, wipe away their tears, and shoo away the desperation and desolation they feel. if possible, you wanna wrap them up in cotton and protect them from all the hurt in the world. to replace the shadows in their souls with the sunshine of their smiles. for their hurt is your hurt, their pain, yours.
and then, u realise that u have finally understood what it means to love someone. and it is both a privilege and a bane. for you would not trade it for anything in the world, yet you will not be able to fight the feeling of helplessness when you fail to acheive the one thing that is important to you, that is, to protect your loved ones from getting hurt.
of course, to acheive that goal, i was constantly at loggerheads with my parents. especially when i was younger, i could not understand their reason. what i saw was only constant denial of my desires. i could not see that they were doing it out of a natural instinct to protect and preserve their progeny. more importantly, they were doing it out of love, to protect and to keep me safe from harm. to shelter me from the painful and realistic world. to reduce any hurt i may encounter in the process of trying to grow up.
time opened my eyes, and my heart. i grew to see their point of view.
when my parents had to undergo the painful process of losing their loved ones, i finally understood their act of sheltering me. you wish that you could transfer whatever they felt to you. you wish that you could reduce their pain, or even better, totally obliterate the cause of pain. you wish that you could smooth their worried brows, wipe away their tears, and shoo away the desperation and desolation they feel. if possible, you wanna wrap them up in cotton and protect them from all the hurt in the world. to replace the shadows in their souls with the sunshine of their smiles. for their hurt is your hurt, their pain, yours.
and then, u realise that u have finally understood what it means to love someone. and it is both a privilege and a bane. for you would not trade it for anything in the world, yet you will not be able to fight the feeling of helplessness when you fail to acheive the one thing that is important to you, that is, to protect your loved ones from getting hurt.
Monday, May 22, 2006
don't take things for granted
what are the things u take for granted in ur life? does the sun rises from the east everyday? will malaysia remain stable and peaceful always? will the rotiman come to ur house everynite? are ur loved ones going to be near and dear forever?
having gone through the tsunami, u learn that the waves may not always recede back into the sea. having gone through a war, u know that peace is a very fragile treasure. having been through retrenchment, u know that the security of ur job is based on ur worth deemed by ur employer. having lost a loved one, u realise that love is not forever.
don't take things for granted. for what u deem as permanant, or reliable, or expected, may not, does not, will not always go as expected.
appreciate everyday as if it were ur last. then u will not leave room for regret, u will not take things for granted. if u think that everyone was born to die, u will learn to live and love as if there was not tommorrow. u will learn to make plans for the future, for the what ifs, for the unexpected. the aftershocks of ur loss will not leave u so vulnerable, nor the ones left behind so helpless.
being prepared does not mean that u are invincible, but it will make survival easier. it is also better for the soul, when we have belief in something greater than humanity. when we have belief in god. for when all else fails, we can look to god for hope, love and support. for when our heart and our legs give way, god will carry us in his hands and ease our burdens.
for eternity passes in a blink of an eye, and all that has once been are now ashes of the earth.
nothing is forever.
having gone through the tsunami, u learn that the waves may not always recede back into the sea. having gone through a war, u know that peace is a very fragile treasure. having been through retrenchment, u know that the security of ur job is based on ur worth deemed by ur employer. having lost a loved one, u realise that love is not forever.
don't take things for granted. for what u deem as permanant, or reliable, or expected, may not, does not, will not always go as expected.
appreciate everyday as if it were ur last. then u will not leave room for regret, u will not take things for granted. if u think that everyone was born to die, u will learn to live and love as if there was not tommorrow. u will learn to make plans for the future, for the what ifs, for the unexpected. the aftershocks of ur loss will not leave u so vulnerable, nor the ones left behind so helpless.
being prepared does not mean that u are invincible, but it will make survival easier. it is also better for the soul, when we have belief in something greater than humanity. when we have belief in god. for when all else fails, we can look to god for hope, love and support. for when our heart and our legs give way, god will carry us in his hands and ease our burdens.
for eternity passes in a blink of an eye, and all that has once been are now ashes of the earth.
nothing is forever.
Saturday, May 20, 2006
mediocrity...
sometimes i am so frustrated... frustrated because i am not exceptional, that i am only mediocre.
being born the middle child in the family, i sometimes feel that, by birthright, i am born mediocre. perhaps by simply being the first born, i would have been special. special because i will be the first to walk, to say mama, the first to set the boundaries and the first to exceed them. or perhaps if i'm the youngest, i will be special, because i may be the last, but not the least. i will have the opportunity to excel and surpass my elders. perhaps, by being the baby of the family, i will be special, for i will be the "anak manja" of the family.
unfortunately being born in the middle, i feel that inspite of whatever i do, i will be mediocre. i will always be tripping over myself, trying to catch up with my sister, to try and step out of her shadow. i will always be trying as hard as possible to excel, so that my younger brother will not be able to exceed the limits i have set. i will always be comparing myself with my siblings, constantly, frustratingly, competing, neverending.
i am mediocre, in looks and talents. i am mediocre in both extremes, neither excelling, yet, not close to the bottom of the barrel. and i realise, apart from my siblings, i have the world, society at large to compete with too. to compare and grow evermore self conscious with my inabilities and mediocrity. to measure my self-esteem on the acheivements and glory of others. those before me and those creeping up behind.
what is my worth? is it based on the expectations of others? comparison is such an ugly word. why compare when there are no two identical individuals on this earth. even that was an oxymoron! how can individuals be identical? even those sharing identical genetic makeup turn out entirely different in response to the environment that they were nurtured in. hence, if u are not identical, how can u compare n measure the successes and failures against one another?
perhaps, in my mediocrity, i am unique. but in the mass that is mankind, made up of countless individuals, how unique am i actually?
i will try to step out of my shell. out of my mediocre mentality. if i cannot succeed today, perhaps i will succeed tommorrow. i will learn to be proud of what i have acheived so far. i will learn to accept that i may not be the best, but that i have given my best in the process. for life is not a destination, but a journey.
i will...
Thursday, May 18, 2006
May thirteenth 1969
i was humming a song today, over and over again. my mom was curious, what's that song?
it is "menghitung hari" by kris dayanti, a talented indonesian with powerful vocals. the song is lovely, achingly haunting. the melody is so beautiful, it plays constantly in my mind. my mom finds it interesting that my siblings and i listen to so much malay songs, since we're chinese.
with our constant exposure to the varied cultures of malaysia, the young absorbs the surrounding like a sponge, whether willingly or not. if lucky, we learn to appreciate the beauty of other people's culture. unfortunately, there are many undesirable ill vibes in the environment too.
we can only be so lucky if we know how to filter the good from the bad. malaysia is a great melting pot, a delicate balance of harmony. lets hope that, in spite of the efforts of many idiots who are trying their damnest best to upset this balance, the malaysian muhhibah spirit will perservere.
let the past be a warning of how fragile this balance is....
it is "menghitung hari" by kris dayanti, a talented indonesian with powerful vocals. the song is lovely, achingly haunting. the melody is so beautiful, it plays constantly in my mind. my mom finds it interesting that my siblings and i listen to so much malay songs, since we're chinese.
with our constant exposure to the varied cultures of malaysia, the young absorbs the surrounding like a sponge, whether willingly or not. if lucky, we learn to appreciate the beauty of other people's culture. unfortunately, there are many undesirable ill vibes in the environment too.
we can only be so lucky if we know how to filter the good from the bad. malaysia is a great melting pot, a delicate balance of harmony. lets hope that, in spite of the efforts of many idiots who are trying their damnest best to upset this balance, the malaysian muhhibah spirit will perservere.
let the past be a warning of how fragile this balance is....
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
where elephants fear to tread...
BEWARE, WILD ELEPHANTS CROSSING....have u ever hesitated, or stopped doing something because....because of many reasons. because someone has tried and failed, because YOU have tried so n failed. maybe because u think that the results will not be desirable, or because u are worried what others will say. i mean, how many times have u allowed yourself to be held in check simply for the reason of because? did u miss out on the greatest love of ur life, because...? it is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all!!!
my friend nursed two new born kittens for almost a week, but despite her best efforts, the kittens departed, dearly missed and loved. she developed strong affection for them, paku and belachan, in spite of the short time she knew them, and their loss hit her deeply. she questions herself, should she stop doing this, because she failed? because despite her best efforts, they died?
i was introduced to a new business opportunity recently and today i went for a workshop teaching us how to deal with objections and obstacles. do we hesitate because we lack time? because we need to ask permission from our spouse? because we already have abundant? because its too risky? or are we simply held back by ourselves?
our biggest obstacle and strongest objections come from ourselves. stop making reasons!!! excuses!!! the fact that u tried, despite ending in failure, means that u were willing to take the risk, to invest-emotionally or financially. u dared to jump! taking the step, jumping at the chance, making the effort does mean something. to the kittens who felt loved before they died, to the person you were willing to trust, enough to take a chance in. if u don't try, u don't know.
so go ahead, jump!
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
cow dung and batik...
cow dung and batik...these are my first impressions of kuala krai. a sleepy town located smack in the heart of kelantan, a muslim state run by a VERY muslim political party. i was half expecting a religious watchman to jump out from the nearest bush every time i held my boy-friend's hands, demanding to see our marriage certificate. i expected to see men and women segregated about their daily lives...different lines at market counters, different seatings at the cinema(er..until i found out there are no cinemas in the whole state!) and different treatment for different races. i expected many things...
what i found instead were cow droppings everywhere...fresh, old, always smelly, sometimes dried. u see them on the road, u smell them at the roadside stall when u have ur breakfast noodles, u hit them when u don't pay attention on the roads. they were everywhere. surprisingly, i didn't see many live cows, since there were so many droppings. i did see alot of dead ones though, slaughtered, skinned and quartered, by the roadsides, hung for their deeds, sold for their meat. i didn't realise that the death penalty was not only reserved for drug trafficking in malaysia!
i also found a society where the malays are really warm and friendly, always smiling, and all over the place. the chinese i met, however, were vocal about their discomforts and their thoughts of the running of the state and the preferential treatment of the malays by the local government there. hmm, if things are so bad...why stay there?
apart from a notice board advising the correct way of wearing a headress (what a shocker! there are even immoral ways to cover ur head!) i found plenty of gorgeous batik, abundant in their colours and patterns. there were beautiful traditional printed cotton ones, and luxurious hand drawn silk ones. the funny thing though, is that the best quality ones were imported from indonesia, not malaysia.
anyway, first impressions are not always accurate, u need to give it time, to show its real colours....i'm still expecting to be given a "saman" for kissing in public though!
what i found instead were cow droppings everywhere...fresh, old, always smelly, sometimes dried. u see them on the road, u smell them at the roadside stall when u have ur breakfast noodles, u hit them when u don't pay attention on the roads. they were everywhere. surprisingly, i didn't see many live cows, since there were so many droppings. i did see alot of dead ones though, slaughtered, skinned and quartered, by the roadsides, hung for their deeds, sold for their meat. i didn't realise that the death penalty was not only reserved for drug trafficking in malaysia!
i also found a society where the malays are really warm and friendly, always smiling, and all over the place. the chinese i met, however, were vocal about their discomforts and their thoughts of the running of the state and the preferential treatment of the malays by the local government there. hmm, if things are so bad...why stay there?
apart from a notice board advising the correct way of wearing a headress (what a shocker! there are even immoral ways to cover ur head!) i found plenty of gorgeous batik, abundant in their colours and patterns. there were beautiful traditional printed cotton ones, and luxurious hand drawn silk ones. the funny thing though, is that the best quality ones were imported from indonesia, not malaysia.
anyway, first impressions are not always accurate, u need to give it time, to show its real colours....i'm still expecting to be given a "saman" for kissing in public though!
Friday, May 12, 2006
what defines you???
are u a man just because u have a penis? are u a woman because u have breasts and a vagina? what defines you??? are we defined by our physical attributes or what we have inside us? if you lose ur breasts to cancer, does it means u are any less a woman? if u have a penis, but u beat up women, u don't even deserve to be called a dog, for they are far nobler than u, can u still be called a man?
honour and intergrity, dignity and honesty. these maketh a man. not his penis nor his brutal strength, but his ability to use his intelligence to build a better life for himself and those he love, these are what defines a man.
a woman's depth of emotion, her temptuous nature, her strength, weakness, tears, and fears. her love and her kindness, her gift for making and nurturing life. these are what defines a woman.
we are, in essence, defined by our words and actions, our thoughts and deeds. not by our physical attributes, nor our biological makup, but by the imprint we leave upon society, be it good or bad.
a mother by biological definition, is someone who gives birth to u. but someone who nurtures, loves and cares for you eventhough she does not share ur blood, isn't any less of a mother either.
to all the mother-figures, happy mother's day!!! mothers, grandmothers, aunties and the very special women out there. you know what defines u!!!
happy mother's day mama, i love you!!!
honour and intergrity, dignity and honesty. these maketh a man. not his penis nor his brutal strength, but his ability to use his intelligence to build a better life for himself and those he love, these are what defines a man.
a woman's depth of emotion, her temptuous nature, her strength, weakness, tears, and fears. her love and her kindness, her gift for making and nurturing life. these are what defines a woman.
we are, in essence, defined by our words and actions, our thoughts and deeds. not by our physical attributes, nor our biological makup, but by the imprint we leave upon society, be it good or bad.
a mother by biological definition, is someone who gives birth to u. but someone who nurtures, loves and cares for you eventhough she does not share ur blood, isn't any less of a mother either.
to all the mother-figures, happy mother's day!!! mothers, grandmothers, aunties and the very special women out there. you know what defines u!!!
happy mother's day mama, i love you!!!
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
u can't escape the ghosts...
i was working in a big establishment in kl for the last three years. it was my first job after i graduated, and i was grateful for the opportunity. i learned a lot and gained invaluable working experience. i also got the chance to observe the ugly side of office politics first hand.
there was never ending gossiping at work, especially among the older staffs. no one was spared. it was disgusting especially, because the main perpetuators of this were the top management and the boss. the worse was yet to come. one of the senior staff started evaluating everyone's performance and giving one-to-one "pep-talks". the sessions were supposed to improve our weaker points, apparently of which i had many. it felt more like a personal attack to me...verbally, mentally n emotionally. it was a blow to my confidence-both personally and professionally. until now, i question whether there is truth in what i heard. whether i am really as bad as i am made to be.
i really tried to overcome this and improve, to take the sessions as constructive criticism. but in spite of my efforts at optimism, the working environment became truly unbearable. i decided to leave before i lost my love for my work. before i broke down. thanks to the lack of appreciation from my boss, leaving was easy. the only thing i miss are my colleagues and my work. i moved back to my hometown, though i still kept in touch with my colleagues.
today, i found out from my colleagues, that sometimes, u can't escape the ghosts....
they still gossip and slander my name at my old place, criticising my work, whether good or bad. it's almost two months, and i have left no bad blood, but i guess, sometimes, u just can't escape the ghosts.... never mind, i've left. i will work hard, and i will improve. the ghosts may still be there, but i'm not looking back.
there was never ending gossiping at work, especially among the older staffs. no one was spared. it was disgusting especially, because the main perpetuators of this were the top management and the boss. the worse was yet to come. one of the senior staff started evaluating everyone's performance and giving one-to-one "pep-talks". the sessions were supposed to improve our weaker points, apparently of which i had many. it felt more like a personal attack to me...verbally, mentally n emotionally. it was a blow to my confidence-both personally and professionally. until now, i question whether there is truth in what i heard. whether i am really as bad as i am made to be.
i really tried to overcome this and improve, to take the sessions as constructive criticism. but in spite of my efforts at optimism, the working environment became truly unbearable. i decided to leave before i lost my love for my work. before i broke down. thanks to the lack of appreciation from my boss, leaving was easy. the only thing i miss are my colleagues and my work. i moved back to my hometown, though i still kept in touch with my colleagues.
today, i found out from my colleagues, that sometimes, u can't escape the ghosts....
they still gossip and slander my name at my old place, criticising my work, whether good or bad. it's almost two months, and i have left no bad blood, but i guess, sometimes, u just can't escape the ghosts.... never mind, i've left. i will work hard, and i will improve. the ghosts may still be there, but i'm not looking back.
Monday, May 08, 2006
life's not fair...
late last nite..more accurately, early this morning, i was having a conversation with my brother's friend. at the age of 25, he's upset, why is life so unfair? he has worked long and hard, given his blood and sweat, but despite his best efforts, he has failed his exams many times. he's a smart young man, and it is not by a lack of intelligence nor effort that hinders his efforts. most of his friends have already started work, some have even started their own family...but he is still waiting for his results...to know if his hardwork has paid off, and if he can finally graduate.
is it true that when we are born, our destiny has already predetermined our life? is that why some of us are born with a silver spoon, and others have to struggle to find their next meal? does having to work extra hard for what others acheive easily mean that life is unfair? when help seems to be lacking, when nothing seems to be going right, when hope is diminishing, who can we blame for the unfairness in our lives? are we actually in control or are there greater powers at work here?
in despair, we would like to blame someone else....anyone, for our misfortune. in hope, we pray to the higher beings for divine intervention. in honesty, we need to identify our mistakes and weaknesses, for god only help those who help themselves....
yes, life is unfair. it is up to ourselves to fight for what we want. the best defense we have against this unfairness is hope, belief in youself and god(for he is there to help, not do everything), and persistance....and at the end of the day, whatever the outcome...you know you gave your best.
all the best, to those who are waiting for life to take a better turn....
and for your last defense, certainly not the least...are your loved ones and your friends...for WE BELIEVE IN YOU.
is it true that when we are born, our destiny has already predetermined our life? is that why some of us are born with a silver spoon, and others have to struggle to find their next meal? does having to work extra hard for what others acheive easily mean that life is unfair? when help seems to be lacking, when nothing seems to be going right, when hope is diminishing, who can we blame for the unfairness in our lives? are we actually in control or are there greater powers at work here?
in despair, we would like to blame someone else....anyone, for our misfortune. in hope, we pray to the higher beings for divine intervention. in honesty, we need to identify our mistakes and weaknesses, for god only help those who help themselves....
yes, life is unfair. it is up to ourselves to fight for what we want. the best defense we have against this unfairness is hope, belief in youself and god(for he is there to help, not do everything), and persistance....and at the end of the day, whatever the outcome...you know you gave your best.
all the best, to those who are waiting for life to take a better turn....
and for your last defense, certainly not the least...are your loved ones and your friends...for WE BELIEVE IN YOU.
Sunday, May 07, 2006
colours...
i've been reading a few other people's blogs...some to pass the time, some to catch up on my friends...something caught my eye recently. have u seen the highly acclaimed movie, sepet, directed by one of malaysia's finest, yasmin ahmad? this is her blog...she tells a fine tale....my friend recommended it to me...
http://yasminthestoryteller.blogspot.com/
the movie, sepet, was about love and friendship, but more importantly, it potrays the heart of malaysia. where colour and race...counts, but it's not the most important thing.
when i was a kid, my best friends were my partners in crime. we laughed, we played, we cried together....when i grew up, thanks to the education system, i soon realised that we were competitors too. we had to compete for places in the best class, in the university, in the government scholarship scheme. it was then i realised that my best friends were different ....colour.....
thanks to the government, i learned that it was not my contribution nor my efforts that really matters. that equal opportunities are not really equal. that my birth, who i marry and my religious belief is more important when obtaining a loan, purchasing a house or even starting a business.
i saw some children playing today at a fast food play area....and the colours i saw were beautiful...they were all mixed together...like the coloured balls in the play pen....colours of the rainbow...colours of harmony....
http://yasminthestoryteller.blogspot.com/
the movie, sepet, was about love and friendship, but more importantly, it potrays the heart of malaysia. where colour and race...counts, but it's not the most important thing.
when i was a kid, my best friends were my partners in crime. we laughed, we played, we cried together....when i grew up, thanks to the education system, i soon realised that we were competitors too. we had to compete for places in the best class, in the university, in the government scholarship scheme. it was then i realised that my best friends were different ....colour.....
thanks to the government, i learned that it was not my contribution nor my efforts that really matters. that equal opportunities are not really equal. that my birth, who i marry and my religious belief is more important when obtaining a loan, purchasing a house or even starting a business.
i saw some children playing today at a fast food play area....and the colours i saw were beautiful...they were all mixed together...like the coloured balls in the play pen....colours of the rainbow...colours of harmony....
Friday, May 05, 2006
have u count ur blessings recently?
are u happy? are u content? what does these two words mean? many people, young and old don't really understand, nor do they seem able to attain these two.
sometimes we spent our whole lives searching...for that special something which we believe will be able to give us happiness, and contentment. but do u know what u are actually searching for? or are u just stumbling along? seraching for something elusive, mystical, unattainable?
sometimes we think that by working harder, getting promoted would be the key to happiness. or getting hitched to the special guy or girl would mean happy ever after. perhaps, it's getting that pair of shoes or watch that u have been coveting for. maybe it's fulfilling ur parents' wishes and dreams...to become a doctor or getting a six figure salary.
how many among you think that there is still something lacking in your life? have u count your blessings recently? having a roof over your head, knowing when your next meal is coming, having loved ones who cares about you....perhaps we will never be satisfied with what we have. living a life that many will envy may not bring the expected happiness we want.
perhaps happiness and contentment have to be learned. just like grace, appreciation, thanksgiving, and humility. you can spend your whole life searching, yet, if you do not know what you are searching for, it will be fruitless. you won't be able to find happiness.
you can be surrounded by all that you have ever dreamed for or desired. but if you haven't learn to appreciate, if you aren't satisfied with what you have, you won't find contentment.
for buddhists, reaching a state of enlightment, the ultimate state of happiness and contentment, means being willing to renounce all things worldly-physical, mental, emotional-...cravings, attachments, desires, even family ties. perhaps the key to happiness and contentment is really as simple as it is. to stop craving, and desiring. to stop counting what you don't have and to take stock of the blessings you already have. and then.... to be willing to let it all go....perhaps then, you shall be able to acheive happiness, and contentment.
sometimes we spent our whole lives searching...for that special something which we believe will be able to give us happiness, and contentment. but do u know what u are actually searching for? or are u just stumbling along? seraching for something elusive, mystical, unattainable?
sometimes we think that by working harder, getting promoted would be the key to happiness. or getting hitched to the special guy or girl would mean happy ever after. perhaps, it's getting that pair of shoes or watch that u have been coveting for. maybe it's fulfilling ur parents' wishes and dreams...to become a doctor or getting a six figure salary.
how many among you think that there is still something lacking in your life? have u count your blessings recently? having a roof over your head, knowing when your next meal is coming, having loved ones who cares about you....perhaps we will never be satisfied with what we have. living a life that many will envy may not bring the expected happiness we want.
perhaps happiness and contentment have to be learned. just like grace, appreciation, thanksgiving, and humility. you can spend your whole life searching, yet, if you do not know what you are searching for, it will be fruitless. you won't be able to find happiness.
you can be surrounded by all that you have ever dreamed for or desired. but if you haven't learn to appreciate, if you aren't satisfied with what you have, you won't find contentment.
for buddhists, reaching a state of enlightment, the ultimate state of happiness and contentment, means being willing to renounce all things worldly-physical, mental, emotional-...cravings, attachments, desires, even family ties. perhaps the key to happiness and contentment is really as simple as it is. to stop craving, and desiring. to stop counting what you don't have and to take stock of the blessings you already have. and then.... to be willing to let it all go....perhaps then, you shall be able to acheive happiness, and contentment.
Thursday, May 04, 2006
she remembers...
when my maternal grandfather passed away several years ago, all of us missed him dearly. each of us, in our own way. for some of us, it was really difficult to accept that his time had come. he lived his life well, happy and full. he had many children, and even more grandchildren. he forged his own way in malaysia when he was just seventeen. he came from china, looking for better opportunities. with barely a shirt on his back, he managed to build his own business, and sent 8 out of his 10 children abroad to study. he foresaw visions ahead of his time, and encouraged them to migrate too, to build better lives for themselves.
when he passed away, my grandmother was angry, so angry that he left her alone. angry that he didn't bring her along. to cope with her anger, and her sorrow, she slowly retreated into her own world. she retreated into her world, where she only remembers certain events or things. and she is happy there. most of the time, she cannot remember if she had dinner, or perhaps she may not remember my name, even though she says my face is familiar. she remembers her youth though, when she used to fight at the water line, waiting for her ration of water. and she remembers how to speak in malay, a dialect she uses when she was younger, to converse with her neighbours from Jawi, Indonesia.
sometimes, she does not remember her husband's name, and she gets confused easily, when asked for answers. but, there is a jade ring on her finger, which she never takes off. when i jokingly said i'll trade my silver ring for hers, she refuses. "it's my engagement ring, you see. your grandfather and i exchanged rings for our engagement, and i can't exchange it with you."
she does not remember the time, nor the place. she recognises her children and grandchildren faces, eventhough she may not be able to place the name correctly. but she remembers...she remembers the love of her life, and the ring that signifies it. she remembers....
when he passed away, my grandmother was angry, so angry that he left her alone. angry that he didn't bring her along. to cope with her anger, and her sorrow, she slowly retreated into her own world. she retreated into her world, where she only remembers certain events or things. and she is happy there. most of the time, she cannot remember if she had dinner, or perhaps she may not remember my name, even though she says my face is familiar. she remembers her youth though, when she used to fight at the water line, waiting for her ration of water. and she remembers how to speak in malay, a dialect she uses when she was younger, to converse with her neighbours from Jawi, Indonesia.
sometimes, she does not remember her husband's name, and she gets confused easily, when asked for answers. but, there is a jade ring on her finger, which she never takes off. when i jokingly said i'll trade my silver ring for hers, she refuses. "it's my engagement ring, you see. your grandfather and i exchanged rings for our engagement, and i can't exchange it with you."
she does not remember the time, nor the place. she recognises her children and grandchildren faces, eventhough she may not be able to place the name correctly. but she remembers...she remembers the love of her life, and the ring that signifies it. she remembers....
Sunday, April 30, 2006
letting go...(part 2, please read part 1 first)
today, my friend had to make a difficult decision. 3 months and 3 days after his dog, itch, was diagnosed with renal failure, my friend had to decide that it was time to let go. as a vet, he was fully aware of that itch would be suffering if his condition was prolonged. all measures that could have been taken were carried out. at 12:34am, 30th april, 2006, itch went to heaven, with the help of my friend. some call it mercy killing, others know it as humane euthanasia. whatever the name, it is a means to end the pain and suffering of itch, quickly, painlessly, literally. but it will be a long, long time, before my friend will be able to let go of itch emotionally.
a vet is required to explain to a client the importance, the concept and the responsibilty of ending the suffering of a pet too ill to recover. why is it then, that we understand the need to make this decision for our pets, but deprive the option for our loved ones? when the time comes, why do we lack the compassion to stop their suffering and their pain, but most importantly, to let them die with the dignity that they had lived?
good bye itch, i hope that u will be happy in the evergreen fields of up above. u will be dearly missed, especially by your partners in crime, dunker and coffee. and your best friend.
a vet is required to explain to a client the importance, the concept and the responsibilty of ending the suffering of a pet too ill to recover. why is it then, that we understand the need to make this decision for our pets, but deprive the option for our loved ones? when the time comes, why do we lack the compassion to stop their suffering and their pain, but most importantly, to let them die with the dignity that they had lived?
good bye itch, i hope that u will be happy in the evergreen fields of up above. u will be dearly missed, especially by your partners in crime, dunker and coffee. and your best friend.
letting go...(part1)
one of life's inevitable experience is learning to let go....physically, mentally and emotionally. when u are a kid, u have to learn to let go of ur parent's hand, to take ur first step by yourself. then u learn to let go of the toy in your hand, and learn the joy of sharing. as u grow up, u learn to let go of ur favourite past times-watching tv, skipping rope, day dreaming, to make time for more important things like studying and getting good grades. then u learn to let go of the security of your child hood home to gain independence, knowledge and maybe a life partner.
but the hardest part of letting go....is learning to let go of your loved ones. remember how worried your parents are when you have to leave them to pursue your studies? remember how it felt to let go of your first love, not because love has died, but because you realise that love alone does not mean you are compatible. sometimes, death has already claimed your loved ones, but it doesn't mean you have learned to let go.
letting go means accepting that it is already in your past, that you have to acknowledge the burning pain in your chest and release it. that without you, your loved ones have moved away, whether into the other realm or simply out of your life. to let go means that you pick up the pieces of your heart, and your memories, and allow time to painstakingly put them back together again...but it will never be the same. you may learn to laugh again, or to even cry, but it does not mean that you have forgotten about them. merely, that you have learned that to continue living, you have to let go of the past, live in the present and look into the future. but time does not really heal the pain, nor make it go away, sometimes, time just allows you to learn to deal with the pain better.
Saturday, April 29, 2006
are weddings good for u?
how many weddings have u gone to? not counting ur own...especially for u singles/unmarried out there. for the unmarrieds (meaning u're in a relationship but haven't jumped yet!), at a wedding the inevitable question will be ...when's urs? and if u're single...do u have a boyfriend/partner? why don't u get one? (God forbid u have a life if u're single or unmarried) woe is it if the wedding u attend will be filled with relatives, then u wished the drink was stronger and they get too drunk to badger u.
if u get a wedding invitation, u might think, oh no! more expenditure!!! especially if u're not very close to the couple...then u think, to go or not to go (but of course, first u think happy thoughts for the lucky couple ;0) but if u don't get an invitation, n u hear of it later from another friend, u might think, whew, lucky me...or why wasn't i invited and feel hurt.
besides, weddings are also a chance to meet ur mutual friends n catch up on the latest gossips. u get to check out ur friends and see if they brought a partner, if they've gained weight, looks better/worse and see how they are doing generally, in comparison to u. and if u're single n lucky, u may meet someone special and start another wedding in motion. oh, and if u're lucky, the food will be good and the music tolerable (please let there be no karaoke!), and the drinks flowing!
so, what do u think? are weddings good for u? me? weddings are happy occasions to celebrate with my friends, as long as i don't get too many invites in a year...they're a reminder of time passing, my own single status, and they're bad for the pocket! anyways, i wish the couple whose wedding dinner i'm going to attend tommorrow a beautiful and lasting marriage...yum seng!!!
to the guest, weddings means that u have to give an appropriate gift...be it money or otherwise. in a year, if u attend ten weddings, it means u have to spend a minimum of $500 to $1000, depending on ur financial abilities. n, that's not it, for ladies, they have to get outfits and make-up, and hair-dos, and manicure, etc... and goodness, there better not be two similar outfits at the same wedding!!!
if u get a wedding invitation, u might think, oh no! more expenditure!!! especially if u're not very close to the couple...then u think, to go or not to go (but of course, first u think happy thoughts for the lucky couple ;0) but if u don't get an invitation, n u hear of it later from another friend, u might think, whew, lucky me...or why wasn't i invited and feel hurt.
besides, weddings are also a chance to meet ur mutual friends n catch up on the latest gossips. u get to check out ur friends and see if they brought a partner, if they've gained weight, looks better/worse and see how they are doing generally, in comparison to u. and if u're single n lucky, u may meet someone special and start another wedding in motion. oh, and if u're lucky, the food will be good and the music tolerable (please let there be no karaoke!), and the drinks flowing!
so, what do u think? are weddings good for u? me? weddings are happy occasions to celebrate with my friends, as long as i don't get too many invites in a year...they're a reminder of time passing, my own single status, and they're bad for the pocket! anyways, i wish the couple whose wedding dinner i'm going to attend tommorrow a beautiful and lasting marriage...yum seng!!!
Friday, April 28, 2006
savour...
does the poem from my previous entry seem familiar? some of u may remember it from tomb raider 1(the movie). read it, at least once. i think there's alot that's being said. i think, everytime i read it, i find something new. it's one of my favourite.
i love the first four lines, and i think that if we live our life like that, then no moment is wasted. when was the last time u slowed down n observe the sunset. the smell of freshly brewed coffee? the laughter of a child. some people try to put too much significance into any experience...oh, the movie wasn't up to my standard, the food was not well prepared...try n just savour it for what it is...sometimes at face value. savour the feel of a heart felt hug. ur first mouth of cold lemonade on a blistering hot day.
go on, savour ur breathe, the very sensation of feeling alive...
i love the first four lines, and i think that if we live our life like that, then no moment is wasted. when was the last time u slowed down n observe the sunset. the smell of freshly brewed coffee? the laughter of a child. some people try to put too much significance into any experience...oh, the movie wasn't up to my standard, the food was not well prepared...try n just savour it for what it is...sometimes at face value. savour the feel of a heart felt hug. ur first mouth of cold lemonade on a blistering hot day.
go on, savour ur breathe, the very sensation of feeling alive...
Auguries of Innocence - William Blake
To see a world in a grain of sand
And a heaven in a wild flower,
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand
And eternity in an hour.
A robin redbreast in a cage
Puts all heaven in a rage.
A dove-house filled with doves and pigeons
Shudders hell through all its regions.
A dog starved at his master's gate
Predicts the ruin of the state.
A horse misused upon the road
Calls to heaven for human blood.
Each outcry of the hunted hare
A fibre from the brain does tear.
A skylark wounded in the wing,
A cherubim does cease to sing.
The game-cock clipped and armed for fight
Does the rising sun affright.
Every wolf's and lion's howl
Raises from hell a human soul.
The wild deer wandering here and there
Keeps the human soul from care.
The lamb misused breeds public strife,
And yet forgives the butcher's knife.
The bat that flits at close of eve
Has left the brain that won't believe.
The owl that calls upon the night
Speaks the unbeliever's fright.
He who shall hurt the little wren
Shall never be beloved by men.
He who the ox to wrath has moved
Shall never be by woman loved.
The wanton boy that kills the fly
Shall feel the spider's enmity.
He who torments the chafer's sprite
Weaves a bower in endless night.
The caterpillar on the leaf
Repeats to thee thy mother's grief.
Kill not the moth nor butterfly,
For the Last Judgment draweth nigh.
He who shall train the horse to war
Shall never pass the polar bar.
The beggar's dog and widow's cat,
Feed them, and thou wilt grow fat.
The gnat that sings his summer's song
Poison gets from Slander's tongue.
The poison of the snake and newt
Is the sweat of Envy's foot.
The poison of the honey-bee
Is the artist's jealousy.
The prince's robes and beggar's rags
Are toadstools on the miser's bags.
A truth that's told with bad intent
Beats all the lies you can invent.
It is right it should be so:
Man was made for joy and woe;
And when this we rightly know
Through the world we safely go.
Joy and woe are woven fine,
A clothing for the soul divine.
Under every grief and pine
Runs a joy with silken twine.
The babe is more than swaddling bands,
Throughout all these human lands;
Tools were made and born were hands,
Every farmer understands.
Every tear from every eye
Becomes a babe in eternity;
This is caught by females bright
And returned to its own delight.
The bleat, the bark, bellow, and roar
Are waves that beat on heaven's shore.
The babe that weeps the rod beneath
Writes Revenge! in realms of death.
The beggar's rags fluttering in air
Does to rags the heavens tear.
The soldier armed with sword and gun
Palsied strikes the summer's sun.
The poor man's farthing is worth more
Than all the gold on Afric's shore.
One mite wrung from the labourer's hands
Shall buy and sell the miser's lands,
Or if protected from on high
Does that whole nation sell and buy.
He who mocks the infant's faith
Shall be mocked in age and death.
He who shall teach the child to doubt
The rotting grave shall ne'er get out.
He who respects the infant's faith
Triumphs over hell and death.
The child's toys and the old man's reasons
Are the fruits of the two seasons.
The questioner who sits so sly
Shall never know how to reply.
He who replies to words of doubt
Doth put the light of knowledge out.
The strongest poison ever known
Came from Caesar's laurel crown.
Nought can deform the human race
Like to the armour's iron brace.
When gold and gems adorn the plough
To peaceful arts shall Envy bow.
A riddle or the cricket's cry
Is to doubt a fit reply.
The emmet's inch and eagle's mile
Make lame philosophy to smile.
He who doubts from what he sees
Will ne'er believe, do what you please.
If the sun and moon should doubt,
They'd immediately go out.
To be in a passion you good may do,
But no good if a passion is in you.T
he whore and gambler,
by the stateLicensed,
build that nation's fate.
The harlot's cry from street to street
Shall weave old England's winding sheet.
The winner's shout,
the loser's curse,
Dance before dead England's hearse.
Every night and every morn
Some to misery are born.
Every morn and every night
Some are born to sweet delight.
Some are born to sweet delight,
Some are born to endless night.
We are led to believe a lie
When we see not through the eye
Which was born in a night to perish in a night,
When the soul slept in beams of light.
God appears, and God is light
To those poor souls who dwell in night,
But does a human form display
To those who dwell in realms of day.
And a heaven in a wild flower,
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand
And eternity in an hour.
A robin redbreast in a cage
Puts all heaven in a rage.
A dove-house filled with doves and pigeons
Shudders hell through all its regions.
A dog starved at his master's gate
Predicts the ruin of the state.
A horse misused upon the road
Calls to heaven for human blood.
Each outcry of the hunted hare
A fibre from the brain does tear.
A skylark wounded in the wing,
A cherubim does cease to sing.
The game-cock clipped and armed for fight
Does the rising sun affright.
Every wolf's and lion's howl
Raises from hell a human soul.
The wild deer wandering here and there
Keeps the human soul from care.
The lamb misused breeds public strife,
And yet forgives the butcher's knife.
The bat that flits at close of eve
Has left the brain that won't believe.
The owl that calls upon the night
Speaks the unbeliever's fright.
He who shall hurt the little wren
Shall never be beloved by men.
He who the ox to wrath has moved
Shall never be by woman loved.
The wanton boy that kills the fly
Shall feel the spider's enmity.
He who torments the chafer's sprite
Weaves a bower in endless night.
The caterpillar on the leaf
Repeats to thee thy mother's grief.
Kill not the moth nor butterfly,
For the Last Judgment draweth nigh.
He who shall train the horse to war
Shall never pass the polar bar.
The beggar's dog and widow's cat,
Feed them, and thou wilt grow fat.
The gnat that sings his summer's song
Poison gets from Slander's tongue.
The poison of the snake and newt
Is the sweat of Envy's foot.
The poison of the honey-bee
Is the artist's jealousy.
The prince's robes and beggar's rags
Are toadstools on the miser's bags.
A truth that's told with bad intent
Beats all the lies you can invent.
It is right it should be so:
Man was made for joy and woe;
And when this we rightly know
Through the world we safely go.
Joy and woe are woven fine,
A clothing for the soul divine.
Under every grief and pine
Runs a joy with silken twine.
The babe is more than swaddling bands,
Throughout all these human lands;
Tools were made and born were hands,
Every farmer understands.
Every tear from every eye
Becomes a babe in eternity;
This is caught by females bright
And returned to its own delight.
The bleat, the bark, bellow, and roar
Are waves that beat on heaven's shore.
The babe that weeps the rod beneath
Writes Revenge! in realms of death.
The beggar's rags fluttering in air
Does to rags the heavens tear.
The soldier armed with sword and gun
Palsied strikes the summer's sun.
The poor man's farthing is worth more
Than all the gold on Afric's shore.
One mite wrung from the labourer's hands
Shall buy and sell the miser's lands,
Or if protected from on high
Does that whole nation sell and buy.
He who mocks the infant's faith
Shall be mocked in age and death.
He who shall teach the child to doubt
The rotting grave shall ne'er get out.
He who respects the infant's faith
Triumphs over hell and death.
The child's toys and the old man's reasons
Are the fruits of the two seasons.
The questioner who sits so sly
Shall never know how to reply.
He who replies to words of doubt
Doth put the light of knowledge out.
The strongest poison ever known
Came from Caesar's laurel crown.
Nought can deform the human race
Like to the armour's iron brace.
When gold and gems adorn the plough
To peaceful arts shall Envy bow.
A riddle or the cricket's cry
Is to doubt a fit reply.
The emmet's inch and eagle's mile
Make lame philosophy to smile.
He who doubts from what he sees
Will ne'er believe, do what you please.
If the sun and moon should doubt,
They'd immediately go out.
To be in a passion you good may do,
But no good if a passion is in you.T
he whore and gambler,
by the stateLicensed,
build that nation's fate.
The harlot's cry from street to street
Shall weave old England's winding sheet.
The winner's shout,
the loser's curse,
Dance before dead England's hearse.
Every night and every morn
Some to misery are born.
Every morn and every night
Some are born to sweet delight.
Some are born to sweet delight,
Some are born to endless night.
We are led to believe a lie
When we see not through the eye
Which was born in a night to perish in a night,
When the soul slept in beams of light.
God appears, and God is light
To those poor souls who dwell in night,
But does a human form display
To those who dwell in realms of day.
Thursday, April 27, 2006
why blog?
we all want to leave a mark in this world...whether its visible or not, whether only u know about it...or the whole world...
some people accomplish great things...build monuments, create masterpieces of art or contribute to soceity....
some create atrocities...war...rape...murder...sometimes very apparent, sometimes insidious...
some do so quietly, enough to know themselves that they have done something significant, something which means something to themselves...
i guess blogging is just the common way now....especially if i write something crude, or sexually explicit or volatile... but for me, a platform for me to speak my mind...and hopefully not bore anyone to death...cheers...here's to a start!
some people accomplish great things...build monuments, create masterpieces of art or contribute to soceity....
some create atrocities...war...rape...murder...sometimes very apparent, sometimes insidious...
some do so quietly, enough to know themselves that they have done something significant, something which means something to themselves...
i guess blogging is just the common way now....especially if i write something crude, or sexually explicit or volatile... but for me, a platform for me to speak my mind...and hopefully not bore anyone to death...cheers...here's to a start!
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