this is a song by blue october, i really like this song because its not the run-of-the-mill pop song about love or guys or having a good time. and it strikes a chord whenever i listen to it...
click here to listen to the song and watch the video
[message on voicemail:] Hi Justin! This is your mother. It is 2:33 on Monday afternoon. I was just calling to see how you were doing. You sounded really uptight last night, it made me a little nervous, and a little, well it made me nervous, but it sounded like you were nervous too. I just want to make sure you are really okay and wanted to see if you were checking in on your medication too. You know I love ya and take care honey. I know you're under a lot of pressure. See ya. Bye Bye!
I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me? it is I that wanted space
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you
Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you
I’m sober now for 3 whole months it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won’t touch again
In my sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you
Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you
And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling “Make it go away!”
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered “How can you do this to me?”
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you
Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you
For you
For you
For you
Saturday, December 30, 2006
Friday, December 29, 2006
it's my party n i'll cry if i want to...
one of my favourite songs from childhood is a popular oldie, where the singer wails that "it's my party n i'll cry if i want to...."
how apt. i feel like a captain who has lost control of the ship. like the soup spoiled by too many cooks.
despite being thrilled to have a party, i sometimes feel like i have no say in whatsoever. my cake can't have the pink icing, i can't have purple balloons and we can't play musical chairs. yes, it does seems petty at times, but if i can't have what i want, exactly the way i want it, it wouldn't be my party anymore now, would it?
i feel like bawling my eyes out like a five year old, throwing a tantrum n stamping my feet, but we all know it wouldn't get us anywhere now, would it? i have to swallow all that comes with it, smile sweetly and say, of course, anything else? otherwise, i may not have a party at all, right? all five year olds know that, so why is it so hard to take then?
because it's my party n i'll cry if i want to!!!!
cry if i want to...
cry if i want to...
u would cry too if it happens to u!!!!
how apt. i feel like a captain who has lost control of the ship. like the soup spoiled by too many cooks.
despite being thrilled to have a party, i sometimes feel like i have no say in whatsoever. my cake can't have the pink icing, i can't have purple balloons and we can't play musical chairs. yes, it does seems petty at times, but if i can't have what i want, exactly the way i want it, it wouldn't be my party anymore now, would it?
i feel like bawling my eyes out like a five year old, throwing a tantrum n stamping my feet, but we all know it wouldn't get us anywhere now, would it? i have to swallow all that comes with it, smile sweetly and say, of course, anything else? otherwise, i may not have a party at all, right? all five year olds know that, so why is it so hard to take then?
because it's my party n i'll cry if i want to!!!!
cry if i want to...
cry if i want to...
u would cry too if it happens to u!!!!
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
when death calls
i noticed as i wrote the title that death seems to be a recurring topic here. no, it's not that i'm morbid (maybe slightly) nor is it because i am obsessed by it. death is just all around us, a part of us, directly, or not. expected or otherwise. whether we acknowledge it or ignore it, it is an essential part of life, to keep the equation balanced, and to make all things equal. for in death, nothing escapes, nothing is spared.
when death calls, all will have to answer. when death calls, none is given a second chance.
who gets to decide, really? i mean, when the time comes for a pet to expire, does the vet or the owner have the right to say that, tis the time to say good-bye? or the doctor who gives the news that the time to pull the respirator has come? the murderer who robs the last breath of the victim? who gets to be god and decide?
NO ONE. none has the right. not even the person who takes his own life. for it is not their decision to make. not his, not yours, not mine. for we who decide, are merely heeding the age old call of death. we are merely the hand that carries out the task. the voice that proclaims that the time has come. we are merely the messenger.
when death calls.
good bye to all, to those who have answered the call, the past the present and the future. to those we have lost, am losing and those that we will come to lose. to those we had to aid in their passing. to those who passed away in sorrow, in pain, in anger, in fear, in shock, in delight, in greed, in happiness, in love, in honour, in pride, in responsibility, in sacrifice, in contempt, in hopelessness, in nonchalance.
when death calls.
when death calls, all will have to answer. when death calls, none is given a second chance.
who gets to decide, really? i mean, when the time comes for a pet to expire, does the vet or the owner have the right to say that, tis the time to say good-bye? or the doctor who gives the news that the time to pull the respirator has come? the murderer who robs the last breath of the victim? who gets to be god and decide?
NO ONE. none has the right. not even the person who takes his own life. for it is not their decision to make. not his, not yours, not mine. for we who decide, are merely heeding the age old call of death. we are merely the hand that carries out the task. the voice that proclaims that the time has come. we are merely the messenger.
when death calls.
good bye to all, to those who have answered the call, the past the present and the future. to those we have lost, am losing and those that we will come to lose. to those we had to aid in their passing. to those who passed away in sorrow, in pain, in anger, in fear, in shock, in delight, in greed, in happiness, in love, in honour, in pride, in responsibility, in sacrifice, in contempt, in hopelessness, in nonchalance.
when death calls.
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