generousity of friends...

it is the time of the year for chinese dumplings again... it is a time when families gather n celebrate n feast...but i've not had the chance to celebrate this occasion with my family for the past 8 years now. first i was in university, n there were no holidays coinciding with this date. nor did i get the chance to return once i started working, for i was saving my holidays for chinese new year, which takes precedence. however, not once did i miss out on the delicious dumplings throughout the years, thanks to the generousity of my friends. some maybe inclined to buy the dumplings when they are far from home, but to me, the commercial ones sharpen my longing for my mom's delicious homemade ones. hence when i was offered one in my first year at uni, i was delighted. the dumpling was evermore special, because my friend who stayed near campus brought back the tasty treasures, homemade by her grandma. n she was generous enough to share her "precious" with me.

the trend continued and over the years, i have received dumplings from numerous friends, all homemade, all tasty.

even more generous are friends who open up their homes and their hearts to us. in their cosy abode, even a simple cup of tea becomes mead, for we eat what they eat, we drink what they drink. it doesn't matter that u do not share the same surname, when u cross the threshold, u are part of the family. it is ur home away from home.

the list of their acts of generousity grows-in all deeds, big or small. innumerous and invaluable. how can i ever repay what they have done for me? i can only begin to try... it is a monumental task, for which there is only one solution. to pass on the generousity i have received and multiply it by ten fold, and perhaps one day, the list will be done. but i hope not, for a neverending list means that my friends never stop giving and sharing, and i won't too.

in difficult times, friends are the support framework which carries us through when the family is far. without them, life would indeed be hard and lonely. we may not have been able to make it as far alone as we would have with the help of friends. in joy, friends not only share the moment, but they double it, for what is good fortune if it is not to be shared?

my heartfelt gratitude to those who have not only walked beside me and but carried me in my hour of need.

privilege or bane?

when i was young, my parents were quite protective. i had to report everything i did, whether i was going out with friends or i was staying back at school for extracurricular activities. i couldn't sneeze without them finding out about it, sooner or later...most of the time sooner than calculated! being the adventurous and rebellious one of the family, i constantly pushed the limits of their boundaries. i never did anything downright outrageous, for i knew my chances would be nil. but pushing the limit a little at a time eventually brought about a satisfactory arrangement for both parties.

of course, to acheive that goal, i was constantly at loggerheads with my parents. especially when i was younger, i could not understand their reason. what i saw was only constant denial of my desires. i could not see that they were doing it out of a natural instinct to protect and preserve their progeny. more importantly, they were doing it out of love, to protect and to keep me safe from harm. to shelter me from the painful and realistic world. to reduce any hurt i may encounter in the process of trying to grow up.

time opened my eyes, and my heart. i grew to see their point of view.

when my parents had to undergo the painful process of losing their loved ones, i finally understood their act of sheltering me. you wish that you could transfer whatever they felt to you. you wish that you could reduce their pain, or even better, totally obliterate the cause of pain. you wish that you could smooth their worried brows, wipe away their tears, and shoo away the desperation and desolation they feel. if possible, you wanna wrap them up in cotton and protect them from all the hurt in the world. to replace the shadows in their souls with the sunshine of their smiles. for their hurt is your hurt, their pain, yours.

and then, u realise that u have finally understood what it means to love someone. and it is both a privilege and a bane. for you would not trade it for anything in the world, yet you will not be able to fight the feeling of helplessness when you fail to acheive the one thing that is important to you, that is, to protect your loved ones from getting hurt.

don't take things for granted

what are the things u take for granted in ur life? does the sun rises from the east everyday? will malaysia remain stable and peaceful always? will the rotiman come to ur house everynite? are ur loved ones going to be near and dear forever?

having gone through the tsunami, u learn that the waves may not always recede back into the sea. having gone through a war, u know that peace is a very fragile treasure. having been through retrenchment, u know that the security of ur job is based on ur worth deemed by ur employer. having lost a loved one, u realise that love is not forever.

don't take things for granted. for what u deem as permanant, or reliable, or expected, may not, does not, will not always go as expected.

appreciate everyday as if it were ur last. then u will not leave room for regret, u will not take things for granted. if u think that everyone was born to die, u will learn to live and love as if there was not tommorrow. u will learn to make plans for the future, for the what ifs, for the unexpected. the aftershocks of ur loss will not leave u so vulnerable, nor the ones left behind so helpless.

being prepared does not mean that u are invincible, but it will make survival easier. it is also better for the soul, when we have belief in something greater than humanity. when we have belief in god. for when all else fails, we can look to god for hope, love and support. for when our heart and our legs give way, god will carry us in his hands and ease our burdens.

for eternity passes in a blink of an eye, and all that has once been are now ashes of the earth.

nothing is forever.

mediocrity...

sometimes i am so frustrated... frustrated because i am not exceptional, that i am only mediocre.

being born the middle child in the family, i sometimes feel that, by birthright, i am born mediocre. perhaps by simply being the first born, i would have been special. special because i will be the first to walk, to say mama, the first to set the boundaries and the first to exceed them. or perhaps if i'm the youngest, i will be special, because i may be the last, but not the least. i will have the opportunity to excel and surpass my elders. perhaps, by being the baby of the family, i will be special, for i will be the "anak manja" of the family.

unfortunately being born in the middle, i feel that inspite of whatever i do, i will be mediocre. i will always be tripping over myself, trying to catch up with my sister, to try and step out of her shadow. i will always be trying as hard as possible to excel, so that my younger brother will not be able to exceed the limits i have set. i will always be comparing myself with my siblings, constantly, frustratingly, competing, neverending.

i am mediocre, in looks and talents. i am mediocre in both extremes, neither excelling, yet, not close to the bottom of the barrel. and i realise, apart from my siblings, i have the world, society at large to compete with too. to compare and grow evermore self conscious with my inabilities and mediocrity. to measure my self-esteem on the acheivements and glory of others. those before me and those creeping up behind.

what is my worth? is it based on the expectations of others? comparison is such an ugly word. why compare when there are no two identical individuals on this earth. even that was an oxymoron! how can individuals be identical? even those sharing identical genetic makeup turn out entirely different in response to the environment that they were nurtured in. hence, if u are not identical, how can u compare n measure the successes and failures against one another?

perhaps, in my mediocrity, i am unique. but in the mass that is mankind, made up of countless individuals, how unique am i actually?

i will try to step out of my shell. out of my mediocre mentality. if i cannot succeed today, perhaps i will succeed tommorrow. i will learn to be proud of what i have acheived so far. i will learn to accept that i may not be the best, but that i have given my best in the process. for life is not a destination, but a journey.

i will...

May thirteenth 1969

i was humming a song today, over and over again. my mom was curious, what's that song?

it is "menghitung hari" by kris dayanti, a talented indonesian with powerful vocals. the song is lovely, achingly haunting. the melody is so beautiful, it plays constantly in my mind. my mom finds it interesting that my siblings and i listen to so much malay songs, since we're chinese.

with our constant exposure to the varied cultures of malaysia, the young absorbs the surrounding like a sponge, whether willingly or not. if lucky, we learn to appreciate the beauty of other people's culture. unfortunately, there are many undesirable ill vibes in the environment too.

we can only be so lucky if we know how to filter the good from the bad. malaysia is a great melting pot, a delicate balance of harmony. lets hope that, in spite of the efforts of many idiots who are trying their damnest best to upset this balance, the malaysian muhhibah spirit will perservere.

let the past be a warning of how fragile this balance is....

where elephants fear to tread...

BEWARE, WILD ELEPHANTS CROSSING....

have u ever hesitated, or stopped doing something because....because of many reasons. because someone has tried and failed, because YOU have tried so n failed. maybe because u think that the results will not be desirable, or because u are worried what others will say. i mean, how many times have u allowed yourself to be held in check simply for the reason of because? did u miss out on the greatest love of ur life, because...? it is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all!!!

my friend nursed two new born kittens for almost a week, but despite her best efforts, the kittens departed, dearly missed and loved. she developed strong affection for them, paku and belachan, in spite of the short time she knew them, and their loss hit her deeply. she questions herself, should she stop doing this, because she failed? because despite her best efforts, they died?

i was introduced to a new business opportunity recently and today i went for a workshop teaching us how to deal with objections and obstacles. do we hesitate because we lack time? because we need to ask permission from our spouse? because we already have abundant? because its too risky? or are we simply held back by ourselves?

our biggest obstacle and strongest objections come from ourselves. stop making reasons!!! excuses!!! the fact that u tried, despite ending in failure, means that u were willing to take the risk, to invest-emotionally or financially. u dared to jump! taking the step, jumping at the chance, making the effort does mean something. to the kittens who felt loved before they died, to the person you were willing to trust, enough to take a chance in. if u don't try, u don't know.

so go ahead, jump!

cow dung and batik...

cow dung and batik...these are my first impressions of kuala krai. a sleepy town located smack in the heart of kelantan, a muslim state run by a VERY muslim political party. i was half expecting a religious watchman to jump out from the nearest bush every time i held my boy-friend's hands, demanding to see our marriage certificate. i expected to see men and women segregated about their daily lives...different lines at market counters, different seatings at the cinema(er..until i found out there are no cinemas in the whole state!) and different treatment for different races. i expected many things...

what i found instead were cow droppings everywhere...fresh, old, always smelly, sometimes dried. u see them on the road, u smell them at the roadside stall when u have ur breakfast noodles, u hit them when u don't pay attention on the roads. they were everywhere. surprisingly, i didn't see many live cows, since there were so many droppings. i did see alot of dead ones though, slaughtered, skinned and quartered, by the roadsides, hung for their deeds, sold for their meat. i didn't realise that the death penalty was not only reserved for drug trafficking in malaysia!

i also found a society where the malays are really warm and friendly, always smiling, and all over the place. the chinese i met, however, were vocal about their discomforts and their thoughts of the running of the state and the preferential treatment of the malays by the local government there. hmm, if things are so bad...why stay there?

apart from a notice board advising the correct way of wearing a headress (what a shocker! there are even immoral ways to cover ur head!) i found plenty of gorgeous batik, abundant in their colours and patterns. there were beautiful traditional printed cotton ones, and luxurious hand drawn silk ones. the funny thing though, is that the best quality ones were imported from indonesia, not malaysia.

anyway, first impressions are not always accurate, u need to give it time, to show its real colours....i'm still expecting to be given a "saman" for kissing in public though!

what defines you???

are u a man just because u have a penis? are u a woman because u have breasts and a vagina? what defines you??? are we defined by our physical attributes or what we have inside us? if you lose ur breasts to cancer, does it means u are any less a woman? if u have a penis, but u beat up women, u don't even deserve to be called a dog, for they are far nobler than u, can u still be called a man?

honour and intergrity, dignity and honesty. these maketh a man. not his penis nor his brutal strength, but his ability to use his intelligence to build a better life for himself and those he love, these are what defines a man.

a woman's depth of emotion, her temptuous nature, her strength, weakness, tears, and fears. her love and her kindness, her gift for making and nurturing life. these are what defines a woman.

we are, in essence, defined by our words and actions, our thoughts and deeds. not by our physical attributes, nor our biological makup, but by the imprint we leave upon society, be it good or bad.

a mother by biological definition, is someone who gives birth to u. but someone who nurtures, loves and cares for you eventhough she does not share ur blood, isn't any less of a mother either.

to all the mother-figures, happy mother's day!!! mothers, grandmothers, aunties and the very special women out there. you know what defines u!!!

happy mother's day mama, i love you!!!

u can't escape the ghosts...

i was working in a big establishment in kl for the last three years. it was my first job after i graduated, and i was grateful for the opportunity. i learned a lot and gained invaluable working experience. i also got the chance to observe the ugly side of office politics first hand.

there was never ending gossiping at work, especially among the older staffs. no one was spared. it was disgusting especially, because the main perpetuators of this were the top management and the boss. the worse was yet to come. one of the senior staff started evaluating everyone's performance and giving one-to-one "pep-talks". the sessions were supposed to improve our weaker points, apparently of which i had many. it felt more like a personal attack to me...verbally, mentally n emotionally. it was a blow to my confidence-both personally and professionally. until now, i question whether there is truth in what i heard. whether i am really as bad as i am made to be.

i really tried to overcome this and improve, to take the sessions as constructive criticism. but in spite of my efforts at optimism, the working environment became truly unbearable. i decided to leave before i lost my love for my work. before i broke down. thanks to the lack of appreciation from my boss, leaving was easy. the only thing i miss are my colleagues and my work. i moved back to my hometown, though i still kept in touch with my colleagues.

today, i found out from my colleagues, that sometimes, u can't escape the ghosts....

they still gossip and slander my name at my old place, criticising my work, whether good or bad. it's almost two months, and i have left no bad blood, but i guess, sometimes, u just can't escape the ghosts.... never mind, i've left. i will work hard, and i will improve. the ghosts may still be there, but i'm not looking back.

life's not fair...

late last nite..more accurately, early this morning, i was having a conversation with my brother's friend. at the age of 25, he's upset, why is life so unfair? he has worked long and hard, given his blood and sweat, but despite his best efforts, he has failed his exams many times. he's a smart young man, and it is not by a lack of intelligence nor effort that hinders his efforts. most of his friends have already started work, some have even started their own family...but he is still waiting for his results...to know if his hardwork has paid off, and if he can finally graduate.

is it true that when we are born, our destiny has already predetermined our life? is that why some of us are born with a silver spoon, and others have to struggle to find their next meal? does having to work extra hard for what others acheive easily mean that life is unfair? when help seems to be lacking, when nothing seems to be going right, when hope is diminishing, who can we blame for the unfairness in our lives? are we actually in control or are there greater powers at work here?

in despair, we would like to blame someone else....anyone, for our misfortune. in hope, we pray to the higher beings for divine intervention. in honesty, we need to identify our mistakes and weaknesses, for god only help those who help themselves....

yes, life is unfair. it is up to ourselves to fight for what we want. the best defense we have against this unfairness is hope, belief in youself and god(for he is there to help, not do everything), and persistance....and at the end of the day, whatever the outcome...you know you gave your best.

all the best, to those who are waiting for life to take a better turn....

and for your last defense, certainly not the least...are your loved ones and your friends...for WE BELIEVE IN YOU.

colours...

i've been reading a few other people's blogs...some to pass the time, some to catch up on my friends...something caught my eye recently. have u seen the highly acclaimed movie, sepet, directed by one of malaysia's finest, yasmin ahmad? this is her blog...she tells a fine tale....my friend recommended it to me...
http://yasminthestoryteller.blogspot.com/

the movie, sepet, was about love and friendship, but more importantly, it potrays the heart of malaysia. where colour and race...counts, but it's not the most important thing.

when i was a kid, my best friends were my partners in crime. we laughed, we played, we cried together....when i grew up, thanks to the education system, i soon realised that we were competitors too. we had to compete for places in the best class, in the university, in the government scholarship scheme. it was then i realised that my best friends were different ....colour.....

thanks to the government, i learned that it was not my contribution nor my efforts that really matters. that equal opportunities are not really equal. that my birth, who i marry and my religious belief is more important when obtaining a loan, purchasing a house or even starting a business.

i saw some children playing today at a fast food play area....and the colours i saw were beautiful...they were all mixed together...like the coloured balls in the play pen....colours of the rainbow...colours of harmony....

have u count ur blessings recently?

are u happy? are u content? what does these two words mean? many people, young and old don't really understand, nor do they seem able to attain these two.

sometimes we spent our whole lives searching...for that special something which we believe will be able to give us happiness, and contentment. but do u know what u are actually searching for? or are u just stumbling along? seraching for something elusive, mystical, unattainable?

sometimes we think that by working harder, getting promoted would be the key to happiness. or getting hitched to the special guy or girl would mean happy ever after. perhaps, it's getting that pair of shoes or watch that u have been coveting for. maybe it's fulfilling ur parents' wishes and dreams...to become a doctor or getting a six figure salary.

how many among you think that there is still something lacking in your life? have u count your blessings recently? having a roof over your head, knowing when your next meal is coming, having loved ones who cares about you....perhaps we will never be satisfied with what we have. living a life that many will envy may not bring the expected happiness we want.

perhaps happiness and contentment have to be learned. just like grace, appreciation, thanksgiving, and humility. you can spend your whole life searching, yet, if you do not know what you are searching for, it will be fruitless. you won't be able to find happiness.

you can be surrounded by all that you have ever dreamed for or desired. but if you haven't learn to appreciate, if you aren't satisfied with what you have, you won't find contentment.

for buddhists, reaching a state of enlightment, the ultimate state of happiness and contentment, means being willing to renounce all things worldly-physical, mental, emotional-...cravings, attachments, desires, even family ties. perhaps the key to happiness and contentment is really as simple as it is. to stop craving, and desiring. to stop counting what you don't have and to take stock of the blessings you already have. and then.... to be willing to let it all go....perhaps then, you shall be able to acheive happiness, and contentment.

she remembers...

when my maternal grandfather passed away several years ago, all of us missed him dearly. each of us, in our own way. for some of us, it was really difficult to accept that his time had come. he lived his life well, happy and full. he had many children, and even more grandchildren. he forged his own way in malaysia when he was just seventeen. he came from china, looking for better opportunities. with barely a shirt on his back, he managed to build his own business, and sent 8 out of his 10 children abroad to study. he foresaw visions ahead of his time, and encouraged them to migrate too, to build better lives for themselves.

when he passed away, my grandmother was angry, so angry that he left her alone. angry that he didn't bring her along. to cope with her anger, and her sorrow, she slowly retreated into her own world. she retreated into her world, where she only remembers certain events or things. and she is happy there. most of the time, she cannot remember if she had dinner, or perhaps she may not remember my name, even though she says my face is familiar. she remembers her youth though, when she used to fight at the water line, waiting for her ration of water. and she remembers how to speak in malay, a dialect she uses when she was younger, to converse with her neighbours from Jawi, Indonesia.

sometimes, she does not remember her husband's name, and she gets confused easily, when asked for answers. but, there is a jade ring on her finger, which she never takes off. when i jokingly said i'll trade my silver ring for hers, she refuses. "it's my engagement ring, you see. your grandfather and i exchanged rings for our engagement, and i can't exchange it with you."

she does not remember the time, nor the place. she recognises her children and grandchildren faces, eventhough she may not be able to place the name correctly. but she remembers...she remembers the love of her life, and the ring that signifies it. she remembers....