sometimes i am so frustrated... frustrated because i am not exceptional, that i am only mediocre.
being born the middle child in the family, i sometimes feel that, by birthright, i am born mediocre. perhaps by simply being the first born, i would have been special. special because i will be the first to walk, to say mama, the first to set the boundaries and the first to exceed them. or perhaps if i'm the youngest, i will be special, because i may be the last, but not the least. i will have the opportunity to excel and surpass my elders. perhaps, by being the baby of the family, i will be special, for i will be the "anak manja" of the family.
unfortunately being born in the middle, i feel that inspite of whatever i do, i will be mediocre. i will always be tripping over myself, trying to catch up with my sister, to try and step out of her shadow. i will always be trying as hard as possible to excel, so that my younger brother will not be able to exceed the limits i have set. i will always be comparing myself with my siblings, constantly, frustratingly, competing, neverending.
i am mediocre, in looks and talents. i am mediocre in both extremes, neither excelling, yet, not close to the bottom of the barrel. and i realise, apart from my siblings, i have the world, society at large to compete with too. to compare and grow evermore self conscious with my inabilities and mediocrity. to measure my self-esteem on the acheivements and glory of others. those before me and those creeping up behind.
what is my worth? is it based on the expectations of others? comparison is such an ugly word. why compare when there are no two identical individuals on this earth. even that was an oxymoron! how can individuals be identical? even those sharing identical genetic makeup turn out entirely different in response to the environment that they were nurtured in. hence, if u are not identical, how can u compare n measure the successes and failures against one another?
perhaps, in my mediocrity, i am unique. but in the mass that is mankind, made up of countless individuals, how unique am i actually?
i will try to step out of my shell. out of my mediocre mentality. if i cannot succeed today, perhaps i will succeed tommorrow. i will learn to be proud of what i have acheived so far. i will learn to accept that i may not be the best, but that i have given my best in the process. for life is not a destination, but a journey.
i will...
2 comments:
I blogged on this one, a couple of times actually :P
Believe it or not, I'm the eldest and there are times I felt envy towards my younger siblings too. Like the sister after me (you could say she's the middle child)- I used to think that people had always saw her as the more lovable one.
But as time pass on, I realize that we are each our own self, it doesn't matter you are the completely different person compared to your own brothers and sisters who came from the same parents and grew up with you under the same roof all this while.
The important thing is that you know you'll always love them no matter what. And I've also realized that even though I'm the eldest one, I could still look up to them and learn many things from my younger siblings.
it took me a long while to sort out my feelings about this. because i loved my siblings and i felt i should not envy them, but its hard. until i managed to understand that what i felt was normal, then i started to realise that it was also only an emotion. because we all hold our own, and it is impossible to compare and even more improbable to stop the comparisons.
thanx for ur comment, u keep blogging too. at least now i know my blog is read not only out of affection but also people are interested in what i say:P
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