to be or not to be?

decision making...when u start making decisions that will set ur course of life, it means that u have reached adulthood. it used to be pretty tough to make decisions...what course should i study? what do i want to become? studying a particular field doesn't necessarily mean that u will end up making a career from it in the future. and most young people on the threshold of that bright thing called future hesitate to be bold enough to make the decision, for fear that they will have to live with it for the rest of their life. so they leave the decision to their parents...and should they end up unhappy, they have someone else to blame.

making decisions was a new experience for me. having lived in a safe haven i was always sheltered from the bad, bad world, with my parents by my side. so when i stood by my decision to take up the course of my choice in university, i felt that i was on shaky ground. it took time to show my parents that i was answering a calling, that i was serious. but it felt good when i knew that they supported my decision.

after my first life mapping decision (hey! i wanted to make a career of it!) i felt empowered. i felt bold. perhaps a bit rash. nothing could stop me. perhaps that was why i decided to fall in love for the first time, against my mom's advice. perhaps that was why i decided to stand up for a friend who was wronged, and ended up being ostracised by half of my course mates. regardless, they were my decisions. good, bad or ugly, i stand by them. no regrets, no looking back, no what ifs...well, i try anyway.

but then i realised there was another aspect to decision making. the important ones that will affect my life, affects those who are close to me too. and hence, i lost a bit of my brashness, my boldness. for though i may tread where others may fear, but my loved ones will be holding their breath, every single step i make. it was no longer about me, me, me. it became we. us.

there are still things i long to do. like volunteer for the red cresent, and lend my helping hand in international crisis. but how can i leave, when my family needs me more at home? for doesn't charity starts at home? i long to traipse the world with nothing more than a back pack and a good pair of shoes till my bank account stands at zero (not a long way off actually). but dropping everything and doing whatever may be my whim n fancy, is something my conscience refuses to accept. and so the internal conflict wages on, where obligation and responsibility becomes a dirty word and love and dreams fight with each other when they should on the same side of the fence.

i envy those who are brave, and strong enough to do what they really want. for though some may call u selfish or silly, i know. i know that u have to stand firm when u make those decisions. sometimes alone, when no one agrees. or if u are lucky, sometimes with those who love u, n understand u, n supports u.

at the end of the day, whatever ur decision, when u lie awake in bed at night, u alone will have to bear the full brunt of the decisions u make. and whether u have a good sleep or a restless night pretty much depends on u. for it will be ur conscience u will have to answer to at the end of the day.