i wept...

i wanted to be strong, to provide support, to be brave and not to grieve. i tried hard. there were several times i thought i couldn't do it, but i managed. i took a deep breath, and i borrowed strength, and with a wipe of my sleeves, i was ok.

but i failed the other night. despite everything, i could not stop. i wept and i wept, and i allowed my grief to pour over me. i lost myself in the sorrow and i wept, for there were no more tommorrows with my grandma. i will not get to hug her nor kiss her when she puckers her lips. to tuck her into bed and snuggle up beside her and hear her recall her youth. no more impish smile from her face when she smells her cup of kopi-o, or her innocent look when she claims that we haven't given her afternoon tea (all the while dusting off her cookie crumbs).

my sweetest joy was to have the chance to grow up with my beautiful grandparents to teach me the finer points of life. the little secrets that u only get to learn from life when u have lived as long as they have.

but it is bittersweet, for u know that one day, they will have to leave u and let u go forth on ur own, with the knowledge and the love they have imparted to u. in the hope that it will be enough. selfishly, it is never enough, but we have to learn to let go.

with my tears, i was fighting a battle to let her go, and to wish my grandma peace and love. for the one thing that doesn't end when someone passes away is the love u have built together. it wasn't easy, and i'm still not ready, but little by little, i'm trying to say good bye. one small goodbye with every drop of tear.

i wept that night, hiding in the shadows which reflected my soul. for my mother gave me a heirloom to remember my grandma by. she gave me my grandma's engagement ring.