banging on the wall....

what do u do when u are dying to say something but u have to bite ur tongue?

what do u do when u long to do something but u have to control urself?

u go to a wall, or u take a hard piece of wood, then u start banging ur head against it. it's a typical course of action that most people take when in similar situations. perhaps its guilt or circumstances or even your own self confidence, the reasons many, the end result the same. we can't explain, nor we want to, nor we care to. sometimes we hold ourselves back, for we don't want to hurt someone, sometimes we hold back, to spite someone. sometimes, u hold back for the want never came, sometimes u hold back, for u want too much.

it's not good to hold back, the experts say. u should let it out, let the frustrations fly. whatever the experts say, it doesn't make a difference to what u are going thru. for despite the stomach ulcers that u get from all that holding back, or the insomnia, or the "funny illnesses" no doctor can diagnose or treat, the only relief u get from scientific studies are the antacids and a funny terminology of ur condition.

and the emotions turn to sour milk, and ur intentions dry n shrivel and what's left of ur dreams are only dusts in ur memory.

what's bugging me...? excuse me while i go find my wall n start banging my head. i...er...i can't say...

when the mouth stumbles....

if u are chinese, u may have heard of the phrase -speaking without thinking. it is such a widespread disease nowadays, i wonder if it is infectious or inheritable or perhaps it is just doggone difficult to control.

a religious man with influence in a large community in malaysia made a very STUPID remark not too long ago. he said "kongsi raya celebrations and open houses could erode muslim's faith and lead to blasphemy". it was baseless, proofless and vaguely instigating racism. when has partaking in the celebration and festivities of another race lead astray one from his religion? is the will of the muslim faith so weak that the sight of mandarin oranges and murukus drive them from believing in their one true GOD?

what makes the infidels (those embracing a different faith from muslims) so bad anyway? does believing in Allah means that u can do no wrong? please, i believe that all religious faith are good as long as the believer practises according to what the faith preaches. unfortunately, there are many out there who follow blindly and worse still, there are those who purposely misleads, due to their ignorance or perhaps their personal twisted perspective and understanding of their religion.

just because we may not follow the same path by embracing the same religion, it does not mean that we do not believe in the same cause-PEACE n LOVE

so, if u happen to be in a position of power or influence, stupidity is a poor excuse for saying rubbish. for ur words are heard by millions, and ur embarrassment multiplied manifolds when u open ur mouth and show how little is stored in that head of yours.

When the mouth stumbles, it is worse than when the foot does. -Oji Proverb

i wept...

i wanted to be strong, to provide support, to be brave and not to grieve. i tried hard. there were several times i thought i couldn't do it, but i managed. i took a deep breath, and i borrowed strength, and with a wipe of my sleeves, i was ok.

but i failed the other night. despite everything, i could not stop. i wept and i wept, and i allowed my grief to pour over me. i lost myself in the sorrow and i wept, for there were no more tommorrows with my grandma. i will not get to hug her nor kiss her when she puckers her lips. to tuck her into bed and snuggle up beside her and hear her recall her youth. no more impish smile from her face when she smells her cup of kopi-o, or her innocent look when she claims that we haven't given her afternoon tea (all the while dusting off her cookie crumbs).

my sweetest joy was to have the chance to grow up with my beautiful grandparents to teach me the finer points of life. the little secrets that u only get to learn from life when u have lived as long as they have.

but it is bittersweet, for u know that one day, they will have to leave u and let u go forth on ur own, with the knowledge and the love they have imparted to u. in the hope that it will be enough. selfishly, it is never enough, but we have to learn to let go.

with my tears, i was fighting a battle to let her go, and to wish my grandma peace and love. for the one thing that doesn't end when someone passes away is the love u have built together. it wasn't easy, and i'm still not ready, but little by little, i'm trying to say good bye. one small goodbye with every drop of tear.

i wept that night, hiding in the shadows which reflected my soul. for my mother gave me a heirloom to remember my grandma by. she gave me my grandma's engagement ring.

its a grey day...

have u noticed how we describe our emotions by colours? most commonly, we're blue or grey when we are feeling down. occasionally, we see red when we're angry and tickled pink when we're having a good laugh.

today, it poured early at dawn, n that has set the mood for my day. the sun is hiding behind the clouds, the leaves are weighed down by an indescribable sigh. its a grey day for me.

in moments of sorrow n despair, where can we look for help? when the situation seems almost unbearable, n u don't see any sun behind the heavy storm clouds, how do u survive? where do we seek hope and strength to go face our greatest fears?

who will see the tears unshed behind the brave facade? who will be strong for u when u are depended upon to be strong? how can u let your grief show when there are already waves upon waves of grief, washing over you?

let the skies cry for me, let the winds lament for me, for i shall be strong.

my beloved ah ma passed away today at 10 am, 2nd of june, 2006. may she rest in peace. she will be dearly missed.

generousity of friends...

it is the time of the year for chinese dumplings again... it is a time when families gather n celebrate n feast...but i've not had the chance to celebrate this occasion with my family for the past 8 years now. first i was in university, n there were no holidays coinciding with this date. nor did i get the chance to return once i started working, for i was saving my holidays for chinese new year, which takes precedence. however, not once did i miss out on the delicious dumplings throughout the years, thanks to the generousity of my friends. some maybe inclined to buy the dumplings when they are far from home, but to me, the commercial ones sharpen my longing for my mom's delicious homemade ones. hence when i was offered one in my first year at uni, i was delighted. the dumpling was evermore special, because my friend who stayed near campus brought back the tasty treasures, homemade by her grandma. n she was generous enough to share her "precious" with me.

the trend continued and over the years, i have received dumplings from numerous friends, all homemade, all tasty.

even more generous are friends who open up their homes and their hearts to us. in their cosy abode, even a simple cup of tea becomes mead, for we eat what they eat, we drink what they drink. it doesn't matter that u do not share the same surname, when u cross the threshold, u are part of the family. it is ur home away from home.

the list of their acts of generousity grows-in all deeds, big or small. innumerous and invaluable. how can i ever repay what they have done for me? i can only begin to try... it is a monumental task, for which there is only one solution. to pass on the generousity i have received and multiply it by ten fold, and perhaps one day, the list will be done. but i hope not, for a neverending list means that my friends never stop giving and sharing, and i won't too.

in difficult times, friends are the support framework which carries us through when the family is far. without them, life would indeed be hard and lonely. we may not have been able to make it as far alone as we would have with the help of friends. in joy, friends not only share the moment, but they double it, for what is good fortune if it is not to be shared?

my heartfelt gratitude to those who have not only walked beside me and but carried me in my hour of need.