musings

i hope my love will be enough

2011-06-03T22:49:00.003+08:00

there have been a few songs on the radio recently that tugs at my heart strings and i just found out tonight that the singer is bruno mars.

sigh.

brilliant voice....his voice just tugs at my heart strings.

and i wonder,
if we go through life without ever finding the kind of love that he sings about.
if we go through life without experiencing the depth of emotions that he feels.
to be willing to throw himself in front of a run away train to save his love.
would it be sad?
if we marry a person we love, but don't love us in equal terms.
are we able to measure the love?
would our heart die the day we realise that?

i hope that we are stronger than that.
i hope that we are so strong, we can give so much love and expect nothing in return.
i hope that we are so strong, that our love will carry us through everything.
i hope that we are so strong, our love will be enough for us all.

i hope that despite the fact that we are just human,
our love makes us superhuman.

i hope that my love will be enough for you.
i hope that my love will be enough to stop the hurt you feel.
i hope that my love will be enough to carry you through the pain and keep you going on.
i hope that my love will be enough and compensate for all the losses you feel.

i hope that my love will be enough, i won't lose you so soon.

insensitive

2010-08-31T22:06:00.002+08:00

this song...the music and its lyrics haunted me for years. late in the night as i crammed for my exams the song would play over the radio...aching, haunting, touching. and when i went through a painful breakup, the song amplified my heartache. i never knew who sang the song, until tonight, thanks to google, i struck gold.

this is to share a piece of my memories, heart rending and beautifully sung by Jann Arden...Insensitive....

How do you cool your lips
After a summer’s kiss
How do you rid the sweat
After the body bliss
How do you turn your eyes
From the romantic glare
How do you block the sound
Of a voice you’d know anywhere

Oh, I really should have known
By the time you drove me home
By the vagueness in your eyes
Your casual good-byes
By the chill in your embrace
The expression on your face
That told me
Maybe You might have some advice to give
On how to be
Insensitive
Insensitive
Insensitive

How do you numb your skin
After the warmest touch
How do you slow your blood
After the body rush
How do you free your soul
After you’ve found a friend
How do you teach your heart
It’s a crime to fall in love again

Oh, you probably won’t remember me
It’s probably ancient history
I’m one of the chosen few
Who went ahead and fell for you
I’m out of hope, I’m out of touch
I fell too fast, I feel too much
I thought that you might have
Some advice to give on how to be
Insensitive
I really should have known
By the time you drove me home
By the vagueness in your eyes
Your casual good-byes
By the chill in your embrace
The expression on your face
That told me
Maybe You might have some advice to give
On how to be
Insensitive
Insensitive
Insensitive

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MaSDEUITIfk

humanity VS professionalism

2009-06-19T01:13:00.003+08:00

recently, a lady whose kindness knows no bounds, met a dog lying in the middle of the street. the dog, hence named angel, couldn't move because she was a victim of a hit-n-run. her pelvic bones as well as her left forearm was shattered. leaving her crippled. the lady refused to accept negativity and spent an enormous amount of money to treat the dog. almost seven thousand ringgit. a HUGE amount indeed, seeing that angel wasn't even her pet in the first place, just a dog on the street.

just a dog?

a dog is still a life. regardless. what is the value we place on this life? is she worth this much money? could the money have been put to better use? saving many more doggies instead? is the lady who saved her an angel? or merely eccentric?

which side of the fence do u stand?

perhaps the vet shouldn't have charged so much. although the skilled vet did a fine job...should he charge so much? even when he has spent almost rm100,000 on equipment and skills training? is it fair for people to have to pay so much for kindness? to save a life? but if no one pays the bill, how will the skills and equipment be acquired to provide the service in the first place?

in another perspective, if a child is sick, is it fair that her parents have to pay rm500,000 so that she can have a liver transplant? she is human after all. but she is only one child. the money could probably feed 5000 kids for a year. try telling that to the parents and see what they say.

are you still standing on the same side of the fence?

what value do you place on a life?

is quality healthcare a blessing or a bane? how do we pay for health when the payment itself causes an arm and a leg?

what is the definition of humanity? for professionalism? are the doctors pursuing perfection to become specialist in order to provide the best health care? or perhaps it is the pursuit of money? have they lost sight of humanity in in the effort to become better doctors? have we forgotten why we promise to do the best we can in the first place? the best for our patients???

when i asked the kind lady why she was willing to pay so much to save angel, her answer was short and to the point.

because every life is sacred.

the road not taken

2009-04-09T10:14:00.001+08:00

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

The Road Not Taken is a poem by Robert Frost, published in 1916 in his collection Mountain Interval.

i was reading a book recently, and i chance upon this poem. i have always been intrigued by the meaning of the poem, and how it always seems to appear unexpectedly at moments in my life when i seem to be at a point where the roads diverge.

in retrospect, the most significant decision of my life was to agree when my mom suggested that i transfer to Sam Tet to continue my form six studies. by norm, i was supposed to proceed to another school after my high school, but my parents decided that i would be much too distracted if i was to go there. besides, Sam Tet was famous for its excellent STPM records. n my sis was already there.

of course, a change of scene did not deter me from getting involve actively in the extra-curricular activities, and soon i was involved in the english club. little did i know that meeting my club advisor's family would influence my life greatly. her son became one of my best buddies and her husband, a vet, introduced to me an option i didn't know i had. i found my life's passion for healing all creatures, big and small.

which lead me to vet school. i have memories n stories to last me a life time, and friends who stood by me thru thick n thin. it was a friend from vet school who introduced me to a special person. the man who would become the love of my life.

and it all could be back tracked to the point where i made the decision to take the road less travelled by, and THAT has made all the difference!

although sometimes when i am in my more pensive moods, i do look back and wonder about the road not taken....

what a year- 30 and counting.....

2008-10-06T00:10:00.003+08:00

the year that was...and the year that will be.....

this year started with a blast....not quite the happy one like last year when i got married, but rather with the type of blast equal to that of chernobyl.

i pour my heart into my work, because i believe it to be a calling, because i believe it makes a difference. despite that, my work was made a mockery. i was unfairly and vulgarly accused. by refusing to take the insults, i left my previous job. which threw a HUGE SPANNER into my plans.

i was expecting my son, and not having any pay was a huge blow to the family finances. having and bringing up a kid is not a joke and by today's standard of living, an expensive undertaking. it has been a tough battle uphill. even now, to make ends meet- in spite of all the generous help we have been receiving from family and friends. not having the security of knowing when my next paycheck will come is a terrifying time for me.

in retrospect however, i have my ex-boss to thank, for giving me the push i needed to venture forth and be my own boss. something that i have been considering for some time; but i was getting comfortable in the employee zone...not satisfied yet not ready to leave the misconceived perception of false security being employed provided. my parents and husband have been unbelievably supportive emotionally, physically and financially, and thanks to them, and the "ex-boss" i started my own vet clinic. what a liberation, what a jump! it is scary yet exhilarating, tiring yet energizing, terrifying yet full of hope. god knows when i'll actually get a regular paycheck again, but at least i am happy. happy being able to do what i want, the way i want to, according to my own principles, and most importantly, finally getting the due results for the efforts i put in.

this year have also been one of the most defining moments of my life. i took on a great journey, i became a mother. that is; starting with a gut wrenching, earth shaking, heart splitting, excruciatingly painful process called LABOUR. BUT nature is wise, when your own life is placed in your arms, still wet and sticky after birth, with the umbilical cord intact, and eyes open with wonder and searching for your voice, all the pain is forgotten, the difficulties endured. for what is greater than the gift given to us by god and blessed with life? it makes perfect sense and you finally begin to understand what it means to be a parent, and you finally, TRULY appreciate what your parents have to go through, for you to reach where you are now. to realise that although the umbilical cord was severed at birth, the ties of family, of blood will bind u forever. and though their hands are no longer holding yours, but they are still supporting you, making sure that they catch you when u when you fall, and heal you when break.

truly, without them, where goes the thirty years? what shapes the next thirty years?

30 years and counting.....

VINCENT-Don McLean

2008-09-09T18:11:00.001+08:00

Starry, starry night
Paint your palette blue and gray
Look out on a summer's day
With eyes that know the darkness in my soul
Shadows on the hills
Sketch the trees and the daffodils
Catch the breeze and the winter chills
In colors on the snowy linen land

Now I understand
What you tried to say to me
How you suffered for your sanity
How you tried to set them free
They would not listen they did not know how
Perhaps they'll listen now

Starry, starry night
Flaming flowers that brightly blaze
Swirling clouds in violet haze
Reflecting Vincent's eyes of China blue
Colors changing hue
Morning fields of amber grain
Weathered faces lined in pain
Are soothed beneath the artist's loving hands

Now I understand
What you tried to say to me
How you suffered for your sanity
How you tried to set them free
They would not listen they did not know how
Perhaps they'll listen now

For they could not love you
But still your love was true
And when no hope was left in sight
On that starry, starry night
You took your life as lovers often do
But I could have told you Vincent
This world was never meant for one as
beautiful as you

Starry, starry night
Portraits hung in empty halls
Frameless heads on nameless walls
With eyes that watch the world and can't forget
Like the strangers that you've met
The ragged men in ragged clothes
A silver thorn on a bloody rose
Lie crushed and broken on the virgin snow

Now I think I know
What you tried to say to me
How you suffered for your sanity
How you tried to set them free
They would not listen they're not listening still
Perhaps they never will

lullaby for my son....

HOW COULD YOU?

2007-11-05T16:40:00.000+08:00

--------------------------A Note from the Author:--------------

If "How Could You?" brought tears to your eyes as you read it, as it did to mine as I wrote it, it is because it is the composite story of the millions of formerly "owned" pets who die each year in American and Canadian animal shelters. Anyone is welcome to distribute the essay for a noncommercial purpose, as long as it is properly attributed with the copyright notice. Please use it to help educate, on your websites, in newsletters, on animal shelter and vet office bulletin boards. Tell the public that the decision to add a pet to the family is an important one for life, that animals deserve our love and sensible care, that finding another appropriate home for your animal is your responsibility and any local humane society or animal welfare league can offer you good advice, and that all life is precious. Please do your part to stop the killing, and encourage all spay and neuter campaigns in order to prevent unwanted animals- Jim Willis

HOW COULD YOU?

This just made me very sad. It highlights how many people take up pets but then abandon them as soon as they outlive their usefulness/cuteness. It doesn't occur just in the US (Even then, the laws for pet abandonment are pretty strict), but here in Malaysia as well.

HOW COULD YOU? by Jim Willis
A man in Grand Rapids, Michigan incredibly took out a US $7,000 full page ad in the paper to present the HOW COULD YOU? By Jim Willis, 2001 How Could You?

When I was a puppy, I entertained you with my antics and made you laugh. You called me your child, and despite a number of chewed shoes and a couple of murdered throw pillows, I became your best friend.

Whenever I was "bad," you'd shake your finger at me and ask "How could you?" -- but then you'd relent and roll me over for a belly rub.

My housebreaking took a little longer than expected, because you were terribly busy, but we worked on that together. I remember those nights of nuzzling you in bed and listening to your confidences and secret dreams, and I believed that life could not be any more perfect.

We went for long walks and runs in the park, car rides, stops for ice cream (I only got the cone because "ice cream is bad for dogs" you said), and I took long naps in the sun waiting for you to come home at the end of the day.

Gradually, you began spending more time at work and on your career, and more time searching for a human mate. I waited for you patiently, comforted you through heartbreaks and disappointments, never chided you about bad decisions, and romped with glee at your homecomings, and when you fell in love.

She, now your wife, is not a "dog person" -- still I welcomed her into our home, tried to show her affection, and obeyed her. I was happy because you were happy.

Then the human babies came along and I shared your excitement. I was fascinated by their pinkness, how they smelled, and I wanted to mother them, too. Only she and you worried that I might hurt them, and I spent most of my time banished to another room, or to a dog crate. Oh, how I wanted to love them, but I became a prisoner of love."

As they began to grow, I became their friend. They clung to my fur and pulled themselves up on wobbly legs, poked fingers in my eyes, investigated my ears, and gave me kisses on my nose. I loved everything about them and their touch -- because your touch was now so infrequent -- and I would've defended them with my life if need be. I would sneak into their beds and listen to their worries and secret dreams, and together we waited for the sound of your car in the driveway.

There had been a time, when others asked you if you had a dog, that you produced a photo of me from your wallet and told them stories about me. These past few years, you just answered "yes" and changed the subject. I had gone from being "your dog" to "just a dog," and you resented every expenditure on my behalf.

Now, you have a new career opportunity in another city, and you and they will be moving to an apartment that does not allow pets. You've made the right decision for your "family," but there was a time when I was your only family.

I was excited about the car ride until we arrived at the animal shelter. It smelled of dogs and cats, of fear, of hopelessness. You filled out the paperwork and said "I know you will find a good home for her." They shrugged and gave you a pained look. They understand the realities facing a middle-aged dog, even one with "papers."

You had to pry your son's fingers loose from my collar as he screamed, "No, Daddy! Please don't let them take my dog!" And I worried for him, and what lessons you had just taught him about friendship and loyalty, about love and responsibility, and about respect for all life.

You gave me a good-bye pat on the head, avoided my eyes, and politely refused to take my collar and leash with you. You had a deadline to meet and now I have one, too. After you left, the two nice ladies said you probably knew about your upcoming move months ago and made no attempt to find me another good home. They shook their heads and asked "How could you?"

They are as attentive to us here in the shelter as their busy schedules allow. They feed us, of course, but I lost my appetite days ago.

At first, whenever anyone passed my pen, I rushed to the front, hoping it was you that you had changed your mind -- that this was all a bad dream... or I hoped it would at least be someone who cared, anyone who might save me.

When I realized I could not compete with the frolicking for attention of happy puppies, oblivious to their own fate, I retreated to a far corner and waited. I heard her footsteps as she came for me at the end of the day, and I padded along the aisle after her to a separate room. A blissfully quiet room.

She placed me on the table and rubbed my ears, and told me not to worry. My heart pounded in anticipation of what was to come, but there was also a sense of relief. The prisoner of love had run out of days.

As is my nature, I was more concerned about her. The burden which she bears weighs heavily on her, and I know that, the same way I knew your every mood.

She gently placed a tourniquet around my foreleg as a tear ran down her cheek. I licked her hand in the same way I used to comfort you so many years ago.

She expertly slid the hypodermic needle into my vein. As I felt the sting and the cool liquid coursing through my body, I lay down sleepily, looked into her kind eyes and murmured "How could you?"

Perhaps because she understood my dogspeak, she said "I'm so sorry." She hugged me, and hurriedly explained it was her job to make sure I went to a better place, where I wouldn't be ignored or abused or abandoned, or have to fend for myself --a place of love and light so very different from this earthly place.

And with my last bit of energy, I tried to convey to her with a thump of my tail that my "How could you?" was not directed at her. It was directed at you, My Beloved Master, I was thinking of you. I will think of you and wait for you forever. May everyone in your life continue to show you so much loyalty.

50 years of MERDEKA

2007-09-06T22:05:00.000+08:00

as i approach my 30s, i start to pay more attention to my roots and my future. i look at the country where i grew up, and realised that i was actually considering whether it will be a good place for my children to grow up too. i always took for granted that it would be, until i had a better look. it's really not something new as more and more people are considering migration to other pastures..not necessarily greener, but different.

isn't it surprising? centuries ago, we were known as the Golden Chersonese....a peninsula of golden opportunities. people poured from the corners of the world, looking for gold, a better life, some to conquer, some to share. we were the golden land. and this resulted in the early formation of a truly cosmopolitan society.

isn't it ironic that while people are still pouring into malaysia to work, malaysians are working hard to gain entry into more developed countries? while the indian population is truly becoming a minority as there are more immigrants than indians, the gap will grow as more leaves. who can blame them when people have build this country for 50 years can't say proudly that this is MY HOME, here i am an EQUAL among men. WHO CAN BLAME THEM FOR TRYING TO SEARCH FOR A PLACE CALLED HOME.

isn't it ironic that i am only paying attention to the state of affairs, to the politics and the voice of the people at age 30? shouldn't i have started walking down this path when i was in my 20s? when impressionable students were gaining knowledge from tertiary education, we were "shielded" from the vulgarities of politics by the government. it should have been the prime ground for developing critical and forward thinking minds to build the resources for the future of the nation. instead, we were left to learn and shift thru all the b*llshit and the facts from various sources...newspapers, blogs, internet or ala mamak style, over a cuppa teh tarik. so is it truly surprising when the largest group of voters who can't be BOTHERED are the future of this nation? where is the future?

50 years of MERDEKA and what does it mean?

we are still dictated by RACE and RELIGION.
we are still dictated by a minority of people who place themselves first amongst all else.

I HAVE A DREAM.
I LONG TO BE A MALAYSIAN IN A LAND CALLED MALAYSIA.
WHERE MEN WILL NOT BE JUDGED BY THE COLOUR OF THE SKIN BUT BY THE CONTENT OF THEIR CHARACTER.

how many more merdekas will it take before the dream becomes a reality?

HAPPY 50TH MERDEKA

Allow me to share with u the famous speech of Martin Luther King, Jr.taken from this website http://www.americanrhetoric.com/speeches/mlkihaveadream.htm

"I Have a Dream"
I am happy to join with you today in what will go down in history as the greatest demonstration for freedom in the history of our nation.

Five score years ago, a great American, in whose symbolic shadow we stand today, signed the Emancipation Proclamation. This momentous decree came as a great beacon light of hope to millions of Negro slaves who had been seared in the flames of withering injustice. It came as a joyous daybreak to end the long night of their captivity.

But one hundred years later, the Negro still is not free. One hundred years later, the life of the Negro is still sadly crippled by the manacles of segregation and the chains of discrimination. One hundred years later, the Negro lives on a lonely island of poverty in the midst of a vast ocean of material prosperity. One hundred years later, the Negro is still languished in the corners of American society and finds himself an exile in his own land. And so we've come here today to dramatize a shameful condition.

In a sense we've come to our nation's capital to cash a check. When the architects of our republic wrote the magnificent words of the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence, they were signing a promissory note to which every American was to fall heir. This note was a promise that all men, yes, black men as well as white men, would be guaranteed the "unalienable Rights" of "Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness." It is obvious today that America has defaulted on this promissory note, insofar as her citizens of color are concerned. Instead of honoring this sacred obligation, America has given the Negro people a bad check, a check which has come back marked "insufficient funds."

But we refuse to believe that the bank of justice is bankrupt. We refuse to believe that there are insufficient funds in the great vaults of opportunity of this nation. And so, we've come to cash this check, a check that will give us upon demand the riches of freedom and the security of justice.

We have also come to this hallowed spot to remind America of the fierce urgency of Now. This is no time to engage in the luxury of cooling off or to take the tranquilizing drug of gradualism. Now is the time to make real the promises of democracy. Now is the time to rise from the dark and desolate valley of segregation to the sunlit path of racial justice. Now is the time to lift our nation from the quicksands of racial injustice to the solid rock of brotherhood. Now is the time to make justice a reality for all of God's children.

It would be fatal for the nation to overlook the urgency of the moment. This sweltering summer of the Negro's legitimate discontent will not pass until there is an invigorating autumn of freedom and equality. Nineteen sixty-three is not an end, but a beginning. And those who hope that the Negro needed to blow off steam and will now be content will have a rude awakening if the nation returns to business as usual. And there will be neither rest nor tranquility in America until the Negro is granted his citizenship rights. The whirlwinds of revolt will continue to shake the foundations of our nation until the bright day of justice emerges.

But there is something that I must say to my people, who stand on the warm threshold which leads into the palace of justice: In the process of gaining our rightful place, we must not be guilty of wrongful deeds. Let us not seek to satisfy our thirst for freedom by drinking from the cup of bitterness and hatred. We must forever conduct our struggle on the high plane of dignity and discipline. We must not allow our creative protest to degenerate into physical violence. Again and again, we must rise to the majestic heights of meeting physical force with soul force.

The marvelous new militancy which has engulfed the Negro community must not lead us to a distrust of all white people, for many of our white brothers, as evidenced by their presence here today, have come to realize that their destiny is tied up with our destiny. And they have come to realize that their freedom is inextricably bound to our freedom.

We cannot walk alone.

And as we walk, we must make the pledge that we shall always march ahead.

We cannot turn back.

There are those who are asking the devotees of civil rights, "When will you be satisfied?" We can never be satisfied as long as the Negro is the victim of the unspeakable horrors of police brutality. We can never be satisfied as long as our bodies, heavy with the fatigue of travel, cannot gain lodging in the motels of the highways and the hotels of the cities. *We cannot be satisfied as long as the negro's basic mobility is from a smaller ghetto to a larger one. We can never be satisfied as long as our children are stripped of their self-hood and robbed of their dignity by a sign stating: "For Whites Only."* We cannot be satisfied as long as a Negro in Mississippi cannot vote and a Negro in New York believes he has nothing for which to vote. No, no, we are not satisfied, and we will not be satisfied until "justice rolls down like waters, and righteousness like a mighty stream."¹

I am not unmindful that some of you have come here out of great trials and tribulations. Some of you have come fresh from narrow jail cells. And some of you have come from areas where your quest -- quest for freedom left you battered by the storms of persecution and staggered by the winds of police brutality. You have been the veterans of creative suffering. Continue to work with the faith that unearned suffering is redemptive. Go back to Mississippi, go back to Alabama, go back to South Carolina, go back to Georgia, go back to Louisiana, go back to the slums and ghettos of our northern cities, knowing that somehow this situation can and will be changed.

Let us not wallow in the valley of despair, I say to you today, my friends.

And so even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal."

I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia, the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.

I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a state sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.

I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.

I have a dream today!

I have a dream that one day, down in Alabama, with its vicious racists, with its governor having his lips dripping with the words of "interposition" and "nullification" -- one day right there in Alabama little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers.

I have a dream today!

I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, and every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight; "and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed and all flesh shall see it together."²

This is our hope, and this is the faith that I go back to the South with.

With this faith, we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. With this faith, we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood. With this faith, we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to jail together, to stand up for freedom together, knowing that we will be free one day.

And this will be the day -- this will be the day when all of God's children will be able to sing with new meaning:

My country 'tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing.

Land where my fathers died, land of the Pilgrim's pride,

From every mountainside, let freedom ring!

And if America is to be a great nation, this must become true.

And so let freedom ring from the prodigious hilltops of New Hampshire.

Let freedom ring from the mighty mountains of New York.

Let freedom ring from the heightening Alleghenies of
Pennsylvania.

Let freedom ring from the snow-capped Rockies of Colorado.

Let freedom ring from the curvaceous slopes of California.

But not only that:

Let freedom ring from Stone Mountain of Georgia.

Let freedom ring from Lookout Mountain of Tennessee.

Let freedom ring from every hill and molehill of Mississippi.

From every mountainside, let freedom ring.

And when this happens, when we allow freedom ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual:

Free at last! Free at last!

Thank God Almighty, we are free at last!³

tingles in my toes

2007-08-01T00:25:00.000+08:00

its been a slow nite. cool. whispers of rain somewhere. but not enough to quench the heat. its rare i get the evening to myself. my prime time is normally filled with betty, the desperate housewifes, grissom, doc mart and mindless blogs. but tonight, with piles of laundry to do, mundane housekeeping up to my elbows, a pending presentation to prepare and bills and accounts to settle, i'm wasting my so called youth like a spring loaded yo-yo...about to bounce into action but the triggers' not sprung, for one reason or the other.

i want to be the persona that people blog about, who burns a path for others to follow. i want to be the one who live the LIFE, not read it in front of my computer screen. i want to feel tingles in my toes, adrenaline in my veins. not from listening to fort minor or from watching shutter, but from standing at the top of the tallest mountain in the world and looking down saying...i've conquered it all!!!

i was young once.
with my dreams to be someone.
i felt tingles in my toes once, when i felt the want and desire.
i felt adrenaline coursing through me once, when i thought the world was for my picking.
i felt inspired once, when i believed i could make a difference.
i felt i could climb mount everest once, before i had back aches and knee aches.
i felt invincible once, before i knew what was heart ache.
i felt like an equal once, before i learned about rights.

and now, i'm a aunty.
i look like one, dress less stylishly than most, i don't even have the bravado of their polished red talons! huh, i even whine like one!

so what's going to make my toes tingle?
when MY man pulls me close and leans near for a kiss.
and so i get back my tingles.
and perhaps some spirit for tommorrow's fight.
for when i see things in their rightful place in the sun, things don't look as bad or as half as lame-ass as i make them to be.
for poor excuses should not be the filmsy excuse to hold me back, or anyone else for that mattter.

what the heck. i should be the one, deciding who makes my toes tingles.

something to be proud of...

2007-07-12T16:05:00.000+08:00

not too long ago, in our malaysian dailies, splashed across the front pages were these statements : "we are so-n-so's somebody n proud of it"...

well, nothing wrong in that except that ...the somebody was a prime suspect for a murder case. in fact, this was noted by the murder victim's father...who questioned what was there to be proud of???!!!

to be the first malaysian to conqer the himalyans...that's something to be proud of.
to be the first in the family to get a degree...that's something to be proud of.
to be the person to be help out at an accident scene (instead of just slowing down to get the plate number for investment at toto of 4-D)..that's something to be proud of.

i seriously cannot understand what is there for the family of the murder suspect to be proud of???!!!

if my dad was in a trial for possible murder, i would not be shouting my pride for the nation to see.
if my husband was having an affair with another woman, i would not like that to be made public.
if my boss was to have his integrity and his actions questioned, i would be asking the same questions myself.

even though the verdict has not been reached, even though one is innocent until proven guilty, let us keep our senses and act with a sense of decorum.

don't abuse the limelight for a moment of sensation. it would be easier to win the public's sympathy with an appropriate show of support, not make a circus out of it!

nor is this the time to make the headlines with statements and photos of untruths. its a real shame how morals and intelligence erode in the bright glare of spotlights...perhaps they were never there in the first place?

show us something that malaysians can be proud of. it is after all our country's 50th birthday.

proud to be a malaysian?

PROUD TO BE A MALAYSIAN!!!!

amazing

2007-07-09T01:16:00.000+08:00

amazing....i seem to be obsessed with songs from this group called blue october...
perhaps its the amazing way how they manage to coax the guitar to sound so tender?
perhaps its the amazing heart-rending lyrics?
perhaps its the amazing tugging of my emotions when i listen to the songs?
amazing how our ears catch the song, our minds digest the words and our souls embrace the essence....
truly amazing...

AMAZING- by blue october

How am I supposed to breathe?
I try to relax. I touch your still frame
So I can watch you closer
And study the ways I believe I belong to you
I scratch at your waist line... your doll hair
I dig up the thought of how your eyes glow
So I make you my religion, my collision, an escape goat
So have I found your secret weak spot, baby?

(Chorus) Can you pretend I'm amazing?
I can pretend I'm amazing...
Instead of what we both know
I cut to the punch line baby
Can you pretend I'm amazing
Instead of what we both know

Now our history is for sale
And for that I apoligize
You see you're my only know how
The study of when I believe I belonged to you
You see I've made you into something delicious,
My sweet ghost
So have I found your secret weak spot, baby?

(Chorus)

music be the food of my soul

2007-06-23T23:27:00.000+08:00

when i was young, the hormones and the angst of adolescence nearly drove me (and my parents) up the wall. the changes i was going thru was just too much for me to handle. i couldn't understand why i felt so frustrated, helpless, angry, alone, unloved. the feelings were not warranted and this made me feel even worse. i was not an easy person to be around with then, not that i am much better now, but the people around probably learned how to ignore me better...eh? :p

then, as now, i found a haven in music. i could envelope myself, dive deep into its fathoms and lose myself in the almost tangible quality of music. i listened to almost anything (screeching banshees was the one place i drew a line..... and whatever house is supposed to be). oldies from my parent's memories, chinese songs, hindi hits, classics...whatever that resembled the turmoil inside me. as long as i can just listen, without need to analyse, it would do. i didn't have to understand the lyrics, as long as i "felt" the music, it was fine.

the warm vocals of jacky cheong and the sad quality of anne murray was so close to the depressive state i was sometimes in that it almost seems i could hibernate in their songs. happy moods called for cheery songs. the opening whistles of the song "don't worry, be happy" always puts a skip in my step, no matter how bad the day. and of course, no maniacal bum/arm swinging (otherwise known as dancing) was complete without my favourite bass thumping R&B.

in fact, i can practically tag my memories by songs. crazy summer afternoons horsing around with my mate in uni to the jolly sounds of herman hermits. the sappy, saccharin syrup of david bedingfield during the courting by the lucky guy who got me hook, line n sinker. the almost weightless song, "leaving on a jet plane" seeming to carry my wheels when i finally learned how to cycle.

even now, not much has changed (weight/taxes/mundane crap aside). when i am in a mood ; maybe a patient under my care has died. an impending dateline. a breakup. my wedding. without music, it would all have passed quietly into the background, instead; the albums of my life are not merely "black n white silent movie type" memories, but rather, bursting in glorious technicolour and dbb surround sound system!!!!

The Road Not Taken

2007-03-22T21:15:00.001+08:00

amounts to nothing!

2007-01-22T14:25:00.000+08:00

i have been slaving for the past few days, weeks i think. to get ready for a big event. but how can so much effort seems to amount to nothing? the mountain of errands seems to grow with a will of its own. getting so much done, more seems to pop out...do the errands multiply when we turn away? do they have this supernatural power to grow n grow?

help! i think i'm sinking!!!! i'm going to be glad when the wedding is actually over n i get to rest a little. it is beginning to seem like a herculean task. n to think we opted for a simple affair. i can't imagine running one on a grand scale! and i am not even doing this alone! despite the many hands, the work does not seem to lighten!

forgive my grousing, i just can't wait for the honeymoon..which reminds me...i haven't even plan for that yet!!!!

au revoir 2006

2007-01-02T16:30:00.000+08:00

the new year has arrived, and yet i am still taking stock of the year that have passed. many things have happened, so fast, that some of it are quite a blur, waiting to be defined and filed and remembered. some are hiding, not really willing to be brought out again, others are almost painfully pressing itself onto the consciousness, unwilling to take a second seat at all.

i had one of the best chinese new year ever, the first i have ever celebrated in my own home, ipoh. of all my 28 years, we have always spent the chinese new year at the grandparents, either in alor star, penang or thailand. but this year was special. we had the honoured guest, my grandma, staying with us. it was a memorable time, with so many loved ones under our roof, laughter and food intermingling with plentiful of good spirits (of the intangible and the drinkable type).

it was the year i knew where to draw the line and say enough! i will not take anymore b*ll and left my previous employment before my senses left me. i also realised that my most precious priority was my family and my loved ones, and that there was more to life than just earning the buck.

i moved back home to where my heart actually is, and every moment i managed to spend with my grandma was like a piece of the rarest and most precious jewel to keep. for little did we know that she would leave us and join my grandfather for eternity. it also gave me the chance to be my mother's side while we try to use our pain to fill a void that will never be the same again.

through the grief, an anchor held me steady and where one journey was ended, another began. kelvin's proposal was my happiest moment, yet a sad one too. for i would dearly love to have ah ma by my side on the day that i said "I DO".

i am lucky to meet a like-minded boss and start building my career in ipoh, but luckier still that it gave my family the chance to have our best trip ever. going to australia felt more like a homecoming than a visit with so many of our relatives there. its almost like a parallel home.

in a nutshell,
i have loved and lost,
took the road less travelled,
deconstruct and rebuild,
lived some traditions, made some new ones,
said "I do" and took a huge step!
travelled far to find something close to the heart,
and basically, trying to make the best of what life have to offer.

C'est la vie!
Au revoir 2006!

hate me

2006-12-30T23:55:00.000+08:00

this is a song by blue october, i really like this song because its not the run-of-the-mill pop song about love or guys or having a good time. and it strikes a chord whenever i listen to it...

click here to listen to the song and watch the video

[message on voicemail:] Hi Justin! This is your mother. It is 2:33 on Monday afternoon. I was just calling to see how you were doing. You sounded really uptight last night, it made me a little nervous, and a little, well it made me nervous, but it sounded like you were nervous too. I just want to make sure you are really okay and wanted to see if you were checking in on your medication too. You know I love ya and take care honey. I know you're under a lot of pressure. See ya. Bye Bye!

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me? it is I that wanted space

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

I’m sober now for 3 whole months it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won’t touch again
In my sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling “Make it go away!”
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered “How can you do this to me?”

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you
For you
For you
For you

it's my party n i'll cry if i want to...

2006-12-29T23:06:00.000+08:00

one of my favourite songs from childhood is a popular oldie, where the singer wails that "it's my party n i'll cry if i want to...."

how apt. i feel like a captain who has lost control of the ship. like the soup spoiled by too many cooks.

despite being thrilled to have a party, i sometimes feel like i have no say in whatsoever. my cake can't have the pink icing, i can't have purple balloons and we can't play musical chairs. yes, it does seems petty at times, but if i can't have what i want, exactly the way i want it, it wouldn't be my party anymore now, would it?

i feel like bawling my eyes out like a five year old, throwing a tantrum n stamping my feet, but we all know it wouldn't get us anywhere now, would it? i have to swallow all that comes with it, smile sweetly and say, of course, anything else? otherwise, i may not have a party at all, right? all five year olds know that, so why is it so hard to take then?

because it's my party n i'll cry if i want to!!!!
cry if i want to...
cry if i want to...
u would cry too if it happens to u!!!!

when death calls

2006-12-27T00:14:00.000+08:00

i noticed as i wrote the title that death seems to be a recurring topic here. no, it's not that i'm morbid (maybe slightly) nor is it because i am obsessed by it. death is just all around us, a part of us, directly, or not. expected or otherwise. whether we acknowledge it or ignore it, it is an essential part of life, to keep the equation balanced, and to make all things equal. for in death, nothing escapes, nothing is spared.

when death calls, all will have to answer. when death calls, none is given a second chance.

who gets to decide, really? i mean, when the time comes for a pet to expire, does the vet or the owner have the right to say that, tis the time to say good-bye? or the doctor who gives the news that the time to pull the respirator has come? the murderer who robs the last breath of the victim? who gets to be god and decide?

NO ONE. none has the right. not even the person who takes his own life. for it is not their decision to make. not his, not yours, not mine. for we who decide, are merely heeding the age old call of death. we are merely the hand that carries out the task. the voice that proclaims that the time has come. we are merely the messenger.

when death calls.

good bye to all, to those who have answered the call, the past the present and the future. to those we have lost, am losing and those that we will come to lose. to those we had to aid in their passing. to those who passed away in sorrow, in pain, in anger, in fear, in shock, in delight, in greed, in happiness, in love, in honour, in pride, in responsibility, in sacrifice, in contempt, in hopelessness, in nonchalance.

when death calls.

u say, i jump!

2006-11-16T21:55:00.000+08:00

i learned a new phrase that day...when someone makes a single comment, u have ten things to do!!!

how apt! i feel like that sometimes. when i have an errand to run, i normally try to do my best, especially if it is on someone's behalf. but lately i feel that my life has been over taken by these requests. sometimes i feel inconvenienced, sometimes i feel frustrated.

especially after i have put extra effort to making everything right, and a single suggestion or comment sends me frantically running around, trying to please, trying to undo and redo what i have done earlier.

especially if someone's decision encompasses my life, affecting me directly or not.

when someone says jump, i have to ask how high, when they say fly, i have to ask how far?

and i don't have a choice to refuse. sigh.

i feel like charlie brown rite now, with those big spirals for eyes....

taking a short break :)

2006-10-25T00:56:00.000+08:00

"my favourite spot in the garden :)"

things have been really hectic of late for me...what with moving back home, changing jobs, my grandma's demise, and now, a wedding!

so in case u are wondering if i have stopped writing, i have not. i'm just stepping back a pace n getting a little cat's nap to catch up on myself n my life.

so thanks if u are still patiently checking out my blog for something new, i promise i'll write more, just not so soon n regularly ya!!!

huggies

if u are bored, check this out instead :)

http://wedding-bells-ding-a-ling.blogspot.com/

expectations....

2006-09-22T14:46:00.000+08:00

the higher u aim, the harder u fall.....

does it mean that the higher u aspire, the more painful it is when u fail to reach your goal? or does it mean that the grander ur ambitions, the harder it is for u to reach them.

from the knocks i've had in life, i learned that expectations can be a very painful experince. when u fail to meet ur parents expectations, how painful it is to see the hope in their eyes fade away when they realise that their dreams will not materialise.

when someone else fails ur expectations, it is a gut-wrenching experience when the truth hits u. it feels almost as if someone pulled the carpet from beneath ur feet and u are left tumbling in the void that was once filled with ur expectations.

it can be dangerous when we expect more than the other party can give. for expectations is a dynamic see-saw, it's like giving and receiving.only when the other reciprocate will our expectations be fulfilled. and many times, we expect more than what the other is ready or able to give.

expecting too much places a tremendous strain on the relationship -may it be a employer/employee or a man/woman relationship. and when we expect too much, we are not being honest to ourselves. for deep-down, we know what the other is able to offer. but we ignore our intuition n demand, demand, demand, for we hope that there might be the smallest chance our demands will be fulfilled....

so, be honest to urself, n to others. for every demand, there is an expectation, n if u know u can't, why do u expect others to?

merdeka!!! merdeka!!! merdeka!!!

2006-08-31T00:51:00.000+08:00

in my previous post, i was rather upset that i didn't have something positive to write about malaysia, the country i love. and i had a good think about it.

what do i love about malaysia? what makes me proud to be malaysian?

ok, lets try...in no particular order...except which point the idea popped into my head...

1. i love the warmth of malaysians. truly. when i went to singapore for two weeks during my student years, i realised that the nicest, friendliest, most generous people i met there were malaysians! they offered me their home, their time, their company. it was a really pleasant surprise. malaysians don't have to be in malaysia to exude the warmth n generousity that we've been famous for all around the world!

2. what can say? food glorious food!!!! i have a ongoing gastronomic affair which started the first time i bite into a roti canai dipped in chicken curry, my first slurp of penang asam laksa, my first taste of ice kacang...sigh...one of the best thing about being multi-racial is that the variety of food which results from this mish mash of culture is mind-boggling!!!

3. the availabilty of everything...i mean, we get music not only from america, but britian, taiwan, japan, korea, india!!! to give u a rough idea. and the choice of clothes, and daily goods, branded or cheap, the selection is endless, or at least, limited by the amount of cash u have in ur wallet. many a friend and relative visiting from overseas actually found that their luggage multiplied by the time they are ready to stop shopping and go home :O)

4. how rojak our language is. sometimes i amaze myself when i start counting how many different ways i can converse with someone else. mandarin, bahasa malaysia, teochew, hokkien, cantonese, english, and not forgetting-manglish and our ever popular sign language..to be used when driving of course!

5. the beautiful, bountiful treasures nature has endowed upon us. we have fantastic beaches, astounding caves, amazing forests, delicious fruits and beautiful flowers of the earth and oh yeah, pretty nice people too!

6. the diversity of the people.i have yet to stop making a new friend of different and interesting background...malay, chinese, indian, iban, kadazan, chindian, portugese+chinese+indian, thai+malay+chinese, i mean, like maths, the probabilities are endless... and it's fascinating to see how the cultures merge and melt and new ones are formed while old ones are cherished.

the list goes on...please add on if there is something u would to share too, maybe i forgot ur favourite...like they say, count ur blessings. perhaps merdeka day should be also made malaysian thanksgiving day.....for us to truly appreciate what we have.

selamat merdeka malaysians!!!!!

49 years of independence...

2006-08-26T00:13:00.000+08:00

49 years of independence and counting!!!

by birth, i am a citizen of malaysia, and proud to be one. we have been independent for 49 years and there are many things to be proud of...but if one were to pick up the newspaper today, u would seriously think otherwise, and it is hard to maintain my pride as a malaysian as i am struggling to make sense of what i see in the dailies too!

one would have thought that history will be our best teacher. apparently, one makes mistakes too! despite several tragedies, it seems that malaysia has yet to learn from her mistakes. the collapse of the condominiums in kl in the late 90's, the death and injuries of snatch theif victims, terrible road accidents that plague our festive seasons, the death and collapse of communities during the nipah virus outbreak, the tsunami in 2004. the yearly haze...health threatening yet not important enough for pro-active action to be taken. what have we learnt from these? the government and the people were shocked and appropriately sympathetic when the tragedies happen, but after several press statements and the formation of fund and problem solving committees later, the issues died down, never to be heard of again until the next tragedy occurs. then the finger pointing begins...

how much death and loss does it take before SERIOUS action is taken? what happens to the pledges by various people to improve and prevent similar situations from occuring? what happens to the money that were collected in the name of the victims, but never reaches their hands? why isn't the government doing enough???

the proudest and loudest tagline of our nation is that we are a harmonious and tolerant multiracial community. hah! tolerance...tolerance is not punishing people who do things you actually don't like - Wikipedia...is that what our society is like? where our harmony results from not being punished for being of a different race? should we just rest on our laurels simply because leaders of other nations have praised our multiracial society? what sort of signal are we sending to others when offhand remarks with a racist slur can be made and simply excused on the basis that "it wasn't meant to be harmful?". should there even be a demand for public apology by the offended before the offender says sorry???

does tolerance means that when u are shouted and threatened by others you have to forgive and forget? especially when all u did was set up a student help desk to help the freshies in your local varsity? why was the committee which was set up to review the incidence not an independent one? if students are allowed to hassle and bully others (regardless of reason) what sort of example is the unversity setting? i remember being punished by my mother for starting any fight with my siblings, regardless of the reason for initiating the fight. for violence is never acceptable. only the beasts (mind u, not animals but beasts) resort to violence.

please see the video below. http://www.malaysianbar.org.my/component/option,com_docman/task,doc_details/gid,713/Itemid,120/

do u really think what is reported by the star newspaper, fair action?(http://thestar.com.my/news/story.asp?file=/2006/8/19/nation/15186612&sec=nation)

"SERDANG: Universiti Putra Malaysia (UPM) will not hand down punitive action
against the students involved in the July 17 fracas, which the inquiry panel
found to be non-racist and non-violent.

Vice-chancellor Prof Dr Nik Mustapha R. Abdullah said they would instead
be “advised” and “re-educated” on the correct behaviour on campus and the need to
respect the university's rules and regulations."

perhaps when the students grow up, they will think that anything they do will be forgiven and forgotten as long as they did it in "good faith", as exampled by the officers who signed away the rights to all billboard advertisments to a private company. despite making a shady deal mounting to millions of ringgit, these officers were let off without any punishment by the minister in charge. have the people at the top become omnipotent? does it mean that when u dance to the tune of the right leader, u shall be protected of all wrong doings, just because the minister/top person in charge said that u are right? even though the rest of the society is crying "bloody murder"???

check out the news at "http://www.sun2surf.com/article.cfm?id=15108"
what happened to justice and transparency? what happened to seeing that the people's interest comes first? what happened to the nation i am so proud of???

oh dear, looks like i have to go and think about what was it that i was so proud of to be a malysian in the first place.

happy merdeka??? 49 years of independence and this is what we have....

i have nothing to write about....???

2006-08-11T12:38:00.000+08:00

i haven't written for awhile...perhaps because i had nothing much to say, or maybe too much, i didn't know what to write. perhaps i was just enjoying the simple pleasure of day to day life, and felt that there was nothing special to write about.

i think i am wrong. there is something special in all our daily lives if we only take the time to notice it. if only we knew how to appreciate how wonderful our daily lives are, what a blessing that would be!

we fail to realise how much we take a normal day for granted until something goes wrong.

i'm so lucky that my work goes smoothly, and when i reach home, mom has a delicious meal all prepared for us. i'm so lucky when i open the fridge, there is ice-cream and fresh milk. i'm so lucky that every night when i close my eyes, i do not have to fear that it will be the last time i see the world. i 'm so lucky that every morning that greets me is filled with sunshine and birdsong and not missiles whistling their death song above my head. i am thankful that i have a job that keeps me clothed and feeds me. i may not have enough to buy diamonds or furs, but it makes me happy to have my job.

i am born chinese in a predominantly muslim society but yet i am thankful for i do not have to fear that my neighbour will turn and scream at me and accuse me of anti-patriotism...simply because our skin colour differs or because we belive in different gods.

i am lucky to have family and friends and people who knows me and loves me and accepts me for who i am...i am lucky.

perhaps if i wrote about the bountiful gifts that fills my life, i guess i will never want for another subject to write on. for life is filled with goodness, if only we know how to see it.

for everything and everyone is special, if only we were lucky enough to realise it. but u can, if u try.

have a great weekend!!!!

Ever wonder what the back of a Smiley Face looks like?

2006-08-08T00:07:00.000+08:00

http://www.superlaughecards.com/1/smileback.htm
please cut and paste n enjoy!!!! thanks aunty swee, i love it!

i had a great smile today...hope u have one too!!!!

making a stand

2006-07-30T22:45:00.000+08:00

recently, students were creating headlines in the local dailies when a group of undergraduates tried to bully another group of students from the same university. a lot of "who-hah" was made, and a lot of police reports were done too. but the ending of the tale has yet to come because a committee was set up to study and find a solution to the matter.

first and foremost, it was terrible that the situation could have happened and security guards at the scene did nothing to prevent it from getting worse. it is also bad that the students responsible for heckling the other party were not immediately reprimanded for their act. what sort of message is this sending to the public? is it ok to make havoc simply because there is strength in numbers? should not the bystanders who had the authority to do something be reprimanded for not doing anything? for what is the use of "security" guards if not to provide security?

there is no excuse for bullying, regardless of whether u are students acting in the name of "righteousness" or whether u are a greedy country armed with superior weapons and no brains. why are those able to do something so passive? yes, the lines have to be drawn and the situation analysed, but in the meanwhile, how many more victims are to be sacrificed while the powers that be forms a committee, sit on the problem and let it stew?

if the situation had gone out of hand and someone was hurt...or worse, will it then be the right time to do something? when the situation threatens to harm ur own interests, perhaps then it will be the time to take a stand?

let there be no doubt that there is still fairness in this world. let there be no doubt that the wrong should be punished and the right be protected. and while the powers in control debate about the political rightness of it all, let the innocent be protected for they are the true victims in this game we call politics.

contemplation

2006-07-20T23:15:00.000+08:00

one day, i want to take a long walk, through a beautiful green forest. where the tree tops can barely be discerned, and only the sunlight streaming through can mark where the leaves touch the sky.

where the birds hop and pick at the seeds and berries, and thrill at each other, boasting the bounty of their find. where the wind gently whisper in ur ears, and the leaves rustle in agreement at whatever they say. where the grass is soft and luxurious, and richer still are the smells of the rich earth and its gifts.

every step i take will be a step towards paradise. every step further from the madness of the world. and keeping me company will be the mountain brook, clear and sweet. where the fishes leap and play among the pebbles and the reeds.

and when i reach my destination, flowers are waving their gaily heads at me, bursting with colour and delight. the cliff will reveal a view so gorgeous, my eyes will weep. for beyond lies what i seek.

and i will spread my arms and take a leap, and fly like the bird, free and weightless, into the blue space i seek.

to be or not to be?

2006-07-06T22:01:00.000+08:00

decision making...when u start making decisions that will set ur course of life, it means that u have reached adulthood. it used to be pretty tough to make decisions...what course should i study? what do i want to become? studying a particular field doesn't necessarily mean that u will end up making a career from it in the future. and most young people on the threshold of that bright thing called future hesitate to be bold enough to make the decision, for fear that they will have to live with it for the rest of their life. so they leave the decision to their parents...and should they end up unhappy, they have someone else to blame.

making decisions was a new experience for me. having lived in a safe haven i was always sheltered from the bad, bad world, with my parents by my side. so when i stood by my decision to take up the course of my choice in university, i felt that i was on shaky ground. it took time to show my parents that i was answering a calling, that i was serious. but it felt good when i knew that they supported my decision.

after my first life mapping decision (hey! i wanted to make a career of it!) i felt empowered. i felt bold. perhaps a bit rash. nothing could stop me. perhaps that was why i decided to fall in love for the first time, against my mom's advice. perhaps that was why i decided to stand up for a friend who was wronged, and ended up being ostracised by half of my course mates. regardless, they were my decisions. good, bad or ugly, i stand by them. no regrets, no looking back, no what ifs...well, i try anyway.

but then i realised there was another aspect to decision making. the important ones that will affect my life, affects those who are close to me too. and hence, i lost a bit of my brashness, my boldness. for though i may tread where others may fear, but my loved ones will be holding their breath, every single step i make. it was no longer about me, me, me. it became we. us.

there are still things i long to do. like volunteer for the red cresent, and lend my helping hand in international crisis. but how can i leave, when my family needs me more at home? for doesn't charity starts at home? i long to traipse the world with nothing more than a back pack and a good pair of shoes till my bank account stands at zero (not a long way off actually). but dropping everything and doing whatever may be my whim n fancy, is something my conscience refuses to accept. and so the internal conflict wages on, where obligation and responsibility becomes a dirty word and love and dreams fight with each other when they should on the same side of the fence.

i envy those who are brave, and strong enough to do what they really want. for though some may call u selfish or silly, i know. i know that u have to stand firm when u make those decisions. sometimes alone, when no one agrees. or if u are lucky, sometimes with those who love u, n understand u, n supports u.

at the end of the day, whatever ur decision, when u lie awake in bed at night, u alone will have to bear the full brunt of the decisions u make. and whether u have a good sleep or a restless night pretty much depends on u. for it will be ur conscience u will have to answer to at the end of the day.

my piece of sanity

2006-07-05T22:31:00.000+08:00

where do u seek ur peace? when the world is crazy and ur mind is raging, where do u seek ur peace? when ur shoulders are drooping n ur eyes are red from fatigue, where do u seek ur peace? when u are lost and looking for a place to anchor ur emotions, where do u seek ur peace? when u had really hard day and ur muscles are aching, where do u seek ur peace?

one of my favourite "rites" is to turn on the computer, play my favourite music out loud to drown out the world and lose myself in writing...i can't stop..chatting with friends, writing emails, and pounding out my frustrations on the key board, almost like pounding away at whatever was bugging me.

taking a really long shower helps too. letting the water wash over u, carry away ur dusts of the day. let whatever that was bothering u slip over ur head, trickle pass ur eyelids, roll down ur back n off ur toes. ahhh....bliss....

going for a good walk, or cycling a hard mile and sweating it out. let the heat of ur anger steam and blow off with the passing wind. cool down, regain ur peace of mind, settle ur swinging moods and come back home with a smile instead of a frown.

but my favourite of all favourites? i reach for my hand phone, punch in the number automatically, and as i hear the phone start to ring, i almost hum with anticipation. and when i hear the voice, i release the breath i was holding...whoosh...there goes my pent up negative energy. going from grumpy to smiley is sometimes slow, but sure. and the days ahead don't look so gloomy and there is sunshine the next day. i can smile again, after i find my piece of sanity, my peace.

banging on the wall....

2006-06-24T00:50:00.000+08:00

what do u do when u are dying to say something but u have to bite ur tongue?

what do u do when u long to do something but u have to control urself?

u go to a wall, or u take a hard piece of wood, then u start banging ur head against it. it's a typical course of action that most people take when in similar situations. perhaps its guilt or circumstances or even your own self confidence, the reasons many, the end result the same. we can't explain, nor we want to, nor we care to. sometimes we hold ourselves back, for we don't want to hurt someone, sometimes we hold back, to spite someone. sometimes, u hold back for the want never came, sometimes u hold back, for u want too much.

it's not good to hold back, the experts say. u should let it out, let the frustrations fly. whatever the experts say, it doesn't make a difference to what u are going thru. for despite the stomach ulcers that u get from all that holding back, or the insomnia, or the "funny illnesses" no doctor can diagnose or treat, the only relief u get from scientific studies are the antacids and a funny terminology of ur condition.

and the emotions turn to sour milk, and ur intentions dry n shrivel and what's left of ur dreams are only dusts in ur memory.

what's bugging me...? excuse me while i go find my wall n start banging my head. i...er...i can't say...

when the mouth stumbles....

2006-06-19T21:41:00.000+08:00

if u are chinese, u may have heard of the phrase -speaking without thinking. it is such a widespread disease nowadays, i wonder if it is infectious or inheritable or perhaps it is just doggone difficult to control.

a religious man with influence in a large community in malaysia made a very STUPID remark not too long ago. he said "kongsi raya celebrations and open houses could erode muslim's faith and lead to blasphemy". it was baseless, proofless and vaguely instigating racism. when has partaking in the celebration and festivities of another race lead astray one from his religion? is the will of the muslim faith so weak that the sight of mandarin oranges and murukus drive them from believing in their one true GOD?

what makes the infidels (those embracing a different faith from muslims) so bad anyway? does believing in Allah means that u can do no wrong? please, i believe that all religious faith are good as long as the believer practises according to what the faith preaches. unfortunately, there are many out there who follow blindly and worse still, there are those who purposely misleads, due to their ignorance or perhaps their personal twisted perspective and understanding of their religion.

just because we may not follow the same path by embracing the same religion, it does not mean that we do not believe in the same cause-PEACE n LOVE

so, if u happen to be in a position of power or influence, stupidity is a poor excuse for saying rubbish. for ur words are heard by millions, and ur embarrassment multiplied manifolds when u open ur mouth and show how little is stored in that head of yours.

When the mouth stumbles, it is worse than when the foot does. -Oji Proverb

i wept...

2006-06-12T15:52:00.000+08:00

i wanted to be strong, to provide support, to be brave and not to grieve. i tried hard. there were several times i thought i couldn't do it, but i managed. i took a deep breath, and i borrowed strength, and with a wipe of my sleeves, i was ok.

but i failed the other night. despite everything, i could not stop. i wept and i wept, and i allowed my grief to pour over me. i lost myself in the sorrow and i wept, for there were no more tommorrows with my grandma. i will not get to hug her nor kiss her when she puckers her lips. to tuck her into bed and snuggle up beside her and hear her recall her youth. no more impish smile from her face when she smells her cup of kopi-o, or her innocent look when she claims that we haven't given her afternoon tea (all the while dusting off her cookie crumbs).

my sweetest joy was to have the chance to grow up with my beautiful grandparents to teach me the finer points of life. the little secrets that u only get to learn from life when u have lived as long as they have.

but it is bittersweet, for u know that one day, they will have to leave u and let u go forth on ur own, with the knowledge and the love they have imparted to u. in the hope that it will be enough. selfishly, it is never enough, but we have to learn to let go.

with my tears, i was fighting a battle to let her go, and to wish my grandma peace and love. for the one thing that doesn't end when someone passes away is the love u have built together. it wasn't easy, and i'm still not ready, but little by little, i'm trying to say good bye. one small goodbye with every drop of tear.

i wept that night, hiding in the shadows which reflected my soul. for my mother gave me a heirloom to remember my grandma by. she gave me my grandma's engagement ring.

its a grey day...

2006-06-02T10:16:00.000+08:00

have u noticed how we describe our emotions by colours? most commonly, we're blue or grey when we are feeling down. occasionally, we see red when we're angry and tickled pink when we're having a good laugh.

today, it poured early at dawn, n that has set the mood for my day. the sun is hiding behind the clouds, the leaves are weighed down by an indescribable sigh. its a grey day for me.

in moments of sorrow n despair, where can we look for help? when the situation seems almost unbearable, n u don't see any sun behind the heavy storm clouds, how do u survive? where do we seek hope and strength to go face our greatest fears?

who will see the tears unshed behind the brave facade? who will be strong for u when u are depended upon to be strong? how can u let your grief show when there are already waves upon waves of grief, washing over you?

let the skies cry for me, let the winds lament for me, for i shall be strong.

my beloved ah ma passed away today at 10 am, 2nd of june, 2006. may she rest in peace. she will be dearly missed.

generousity of friends...

2006-05-29T23:48:00.000+08:00

it is the time of the year for chinese dumplings again... it is a time when families gather n celebrate n feast...but i've not had the chance to celebrate this occasion with my family for the past 8 years now. first i was in university, n there were no holidays coinciding with this date. nor did i get the chance to return once i started working, for i was saving my holidays for chinese new year, which takes precedence. however, not once did i miss out on the delicious dumplings throughout the years, thanks to the generousity of my friends. some maybe inclined to buy the dumplings when they are far from home, but to me, the commercial ones sharpen my longing for my mom's delicious homemade ones. hence when i was offered one in my first year at uni, i was delighted. the dumpling was evermore special, because my friend who stayed near campus brought back the tasty treasures, homemade by her grandma. n she was generous enough to share her "precious" with me.

the trend continued and over the years, i have received dumplings from numerous friends, all homemade, all tasty.

even more generous are friends who open up their homes and their hearts to us. in their cosy abode, even a simple cup of tea becomes mead, for we eat what they eat, we drink what they drink. it doesn't matter that u do not share the same surname, when u cross the threshold, u are part of the family. it is ur home away from home.

the list of their acts of generousity grows-in all deeds, big or small. innumerous and invaluable. how can i ever repay what they have done for me? i can only begin to try... it is a monumental task, for which there is only one solution. to pass on the generousity i have received and multiply it by ten fold, and perhaps one day, the list will be done. but i hope not, for a neverending list means that my friends never stop giving and sharing, and i won't too.

in difficult times, friends are the support framework which carries us through when the family is far. without them, life would indeed be hard and lonely. we may not have been able to make it as far alone as we would have with the help of friends. in joy, friends not only share the moment, but they double it, for what is good fortune if it is not to be shared?

my heartfelt gratitude to those who have not only walked beside me and but carried me in my hour of need.

privilege or bane?

2006-05-28T23:26:00.000+08:00

when i was young, my parents were quite protective. i had to report everything i did, whether i was going out with friends or i was staying back at school for extracurricular activities. i couldn't sneeze without them finding out about it, sooner or later...most of the time sooner than calculated! being the adventurous and rebellious one of the family, i constantly pushed the limits of their boundaries. i never did anything downright outrageous, for i knew my chances would be nil. but pushing the limit a little at a time eventually brought about a satisfactory arrangement for both parties.

of course, to acheive that goal, i was constantly at loggerheads with my parents. especially when i was younger, i could not understand their reason. what i saw was only constant denial of my desires. i could not see that they were doing it out of a natural instinct to protect and preserve their progeny. more importantly, they were doing it out of love, to protect and to keep me safe from harm. to shelter me from the painful and realistic world. to reduce any hurt i may encounter in the process of trying to grow up.

time opened my eyes, and my heart. i grew to see their point of view.

when my parents had to undergo the painful process of losing their loved ones, i finally understood their act of sheltering me. you wish that you could transfer whatever they felt to you. you wish that you could reduce their pain, or even better, totally obliterate the cause of pain. you wish that you could smooth their worried brows, wipe away their tears, and shoo away the desperation and desolation they feel. if possible, you wanna wrap them up in cotton and protect them from all the hurt in the world. to replace the shadows in their souls with the sunshine of their smiles. for their hurt is your hurt, their pain, yours.

and then, u realise that u have finally understood what it means to love someone. and it is both a privilege and a bane. for you would not trade it for anything in the world, yet you will not be able to fight the feeling of helplessness when you fail to acheive the one thing that is important to you, that is, to protect your loved ones from getting hurt.

don't take things for granted

2006-05-22T23:31:00.000+08:00

what are the things u take for granted in ur life? does the sun rises from the east everyday? will malaysia remain stable and peaceful always? will the rotiman come to ur house everynite? are ur loved ones going to be near and dear forever?

having gone through the tsunami, u learn that the waves may not always recede back into the sea. having gone through a war, u know that peace is a very fragile treasure. having been through retrenchment, u know that the security of ur job is based on ur worth deemed by ur employer. having lost a loved one, u realise that love is not forever.

don't take things for granted. for what u deem as permanant, or reliable, or expected, may not, does not, will not always go as expected.

appreciate everyday as if it were ur last. then u will not leave room for regret, u will not take things for granted. if u think that everyone was born to die, u will learn to live and love as if there was not tommorrow. u will learn to make plans for the future, for the what ifs, for the unexpected. the aftershocks of ur loss will not leave u so vulnerable, nor the ones left behind so helpless.

being prepared does not mean that u are invincible, but it will make survival easier. it is also better for the soul, when we have belief in something greater than humanity. when we have belief in god. for when all else fails, we can look to god for hope, love and support. for when our heart and our legs give way, god will carry us in his hands and ease our burdens.

for eternity passes in a blink of an eye, and all that has once been are now ashes of the earth.

nothing is forever.

mediocrity...

2006-05-20T00:33:00.000+08:00

sometimes i am so frustrated... frustrated because i am not exceptional, that i am only mediocre.

being born the middle child in the family, i sometimes feel that, by birthright, i am born mediocre. perhaps by simply being the first born, i would have been special. special because i will be the first to walk, to say mama, the first to set the boundaries and the first to exceed them. or perhaps if i'm the youngest, i will be special, because i may be the last, but not the least. i will have the opportunity to excel and surpass my elders. perhaps, by being the baby of the family, i will be special, for i will be the "anak manja" of the family.

unfortunately being born in the middle, i feel that inspite of whatever i do, i will be mediocre. i will always be tripping over myself, trying to catch up with my sister, to try and step out of her shadow. i will always be trying as hard as possible to excel, so that my younger brother will not be able to exceed the limits i have set. i will always be comparing myself with my siblings, constantly, frustratingly, competing, neverending.

i am mediocre, in looks and talents. i am mediocre in both extremes, neither excelling, yet, not close to the bottom of the barrel. and i realise, apart from my siblings, i have the world, society at large to compete with too. to compare and grow evermore self conscious with my inabilities and mediocrity. to measure my self-esteem on the acheivements and glory of others. those before me and those creeping up behind.

what is my worth? is it based on the expectations of others? comparison is such an ugly word. why compare when there are no two identical individuals on this earth. even that was an oxymoron! how can individuals be identical? even those sharing identical genetic makeup turn out entirely different in response to the environment that they were nurtured in. hence, if u are not identical, how can u compare n measure the successes and failures against one another?

perhaps, in my mediocrity, i am unique. but in the mass that is mankind, made up of countless individuals, how unique am i actually?

i will try to step out of my shell. out of my mediocre mentality. if i cannot succeed today, perhaps i will succeed tommorrow. i will learn to be proud of what i have acheived so far. i will learn to accept that i may not be the best, but that i have given my best in the process. for life is not a destination, but a journey.

i will...

May thirteenth 1969

2006-05-18T18:38:00.000+08:00

i was humming a song today, over and over again. my mom was curious, what's that song?

it is "menghitung hari" by kris dayanti, a talented indonesian with powerful vocals. the song is lovely, achingly haunting. the melody is so beautiful, it plays constantly in my mind. my mom finds it interesting that my siblings and i listen to so much malay songs, since we're chinese.

with our constant exposure to the varied cultures of malaysia, the young absorbs the surrounding like a sponge, whether willingly or not. if lucky, we learn to appreciate the beauty of other people's culture. unfortunately, there are many undesirable ill vibes in the environment too.

we can only be so lucky if we know how to filter the good from the bad. malaysia is a great melting pot, a delicate balance of harmony. lets hope that, in spite of the efforts of many idiots who are trying their damnest best to upset this balance, the malaysian muhhibah spirit will perservere.

let the past be a warning of how fragile this balance is....

where elephants fear to tread...

2006-05-17T21:17:00.000+08:00

BEWARE, WILD ELEPHANTS CROSSING....

have u ever hesitated, or stopped doing something because....because of many reasons. because someone has tried and failed, because YOU have tried so n failed. maybe because u think that the results will not be desirable, or because u are worried what others will say. i mean, how many times have u allowed yourself to be held in check simply for the reason of because? did u miss out on the greatest love of ur life, because...? it is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all!!!

my friend nursed two new born kittens for almost a week, but despite her best efforts, the kittens departed, dearly missed and loved. she developed strong affection for them, paku and belachan, in spite of the short time she knew them, and their loss hit her deeply. she questions herself, should she stop doing this, because she failed? because despite her best efforts, they died?

i was introduced to a new business opportunity recently and today i went for a workshop teaching us how to deal with objections and obstacles. do we hesitate because we lack time? because we need to ask permission from our spouse? because we already have abundant? because its too risky? or are we simply held back by ourselves?

our biggest obstacle and strongest objections come from ourselves. stop making reasons!!! excuses!!! the fact that u tried, despite ending in failure, means that u were willing to take the risk, to invest-emotionally or financially. u dared to jump! taking the step, jumping at the chance, making the effort does mean something. to the kittens who felt loved before they died, to the person you were willing to trust, enough to take a chance in. if u don't try, u don't know.

so go ahead, jump!

cow dung and batik...

2006-05-16T00:32:00.000+08:00

cow dung and batik...these are my first impressions of kuala krai. a sleepy town located smack in the heart of kelantan, a muslim state run by a VERY muslim political party. i was half expecting a religious watchman to jump out from the nearest bush every time i held my boy-friend's hands, demanding to see our marriage certificate. i expected to see men and women segregated about their daily lives...different lines at market counters, different seatings at the cinema(er..until i found out there are no cinemas in the whole state!) and different treatment for different races. i expected many things...

what i found instead were cow droppings everywhere...fresh, old, always smelly, sometimes dried. u see them on the road, u smell them at the roadside stall when u have ur breakfast noodles, u hit them when u don't pay attention on the roads. they were everywhere. surprisingly, i didn't see many live cows, since there were so many droppings. i did see alot of dead ones though, slaughtered, skinned and quartered, by the roadsides, hung for their deeds, sold for their meat. i didn't realise that the death penalty was not only reserved for drug trafficking in malaysia!

i also found a society where the malays are really warm and friendly, always smiling, and all over the place. the chinese i met, however, were vocal about their discomforts and their thoughts of the running of the state and the preferential treatment of the malays by the local government there. hmm, if things are so bad...why stay there?

apart from a notice board advising the correct way of wearing a headress (what a shocker! there are even immoral ways to cover ur head!) i found plenty of gorgeous batik, abundant in their colours and patterns. there were beautiful traditional printed cotton ones, and luxurious hand drawn silk ones. the funny thing though, is that the best quality ones were imported from indonesia, not malaysia.

anyway, first impressions are not always accurate, u need to give it time, to show its real colours....i'm still expecting to be given a "saman" for kissing in public though!

what defines you???

2006-05-12T16:44:00.000+08:00

are u a man just because u have a penis? are u a woman because u have breasts and a vagina? what defines you??? are we defined by our physical attributes or what we have inside us? if you lose ur breasts to cancer, does it means u are any less a woman? if u have a penis, but u beat up women, u don't even deserve to be called a dog, for they are far nobler than u, can u still be called a man?

honour and intergrity, dignity and honesty. these maketh a man. not his penis nor his brutal strength, but his ability to use his intelligence to build a better life for himself and those he love, these are what defines a man.

a woman's depth of emotion, her temptuous nature, her strength, weakness, tears, and fears. her love and her kindness, her gift for making and nurturing life. these are what defines a woman.

we are, in essence, defined by our words and actions, our thoughts and deeds. not by our physical attributes, nor our biological makup, but by the imprint we leave upon society, be it good or bad.

a mother by biological definition, is someone who gives birth to u. but someone who nurtures, loves and cares for you eventhough she does not share ur blood, isn't any less of a mother either.

to all the mother-figures, happy mother's day!!! mothers, grandmothers, aunties and the very special women out there. you know what defines u!!!

happy mother's day mama, i love you!!!

u can't escape the ghosts...

2006-05-10T00:33:00.000+08:00

i was working in a big establishment in kl for the last three years. it was my first job after i graduated, and i was grateful for the opportunity. i learned a lot and gained invaluable working experience. i also got the chance to observe the ugly side of office politics first hand.

there was never ending gossiping at work, especially among the older staffs. no one was spared. it was disgusting especially, because the main perpetuators of this were the top management and the boss. the worse was yet to come. one of the senior staff started evaluating everyone's performance and giving one-to-one "pep-talks". the sessions were supposed to improve our weaker points, apparently of which i had many. it felt more like a personal attack to me...verbally, mentally n emotionally. it was a blow to my confidence-both personally and professionally. until now, i question whether there is truth in what i heard. whether i am really as bad as i am made to be.

i really tried to overcome this and improve, to take the sessions as constructive criticism. but in spite of my efforts at optimism, the working environment became truly unbearable. i decided to leave before i lost my love for my work. before i broke down. thanks to the lack of appreciation from my boss, leaving was easy. the only thing i miss are my colleagues and my work. i moved back to my hometown, though i still kept in touch with my colleagues.

today, i found out from my colleagues, that sometimes, u can't escape the ghosts....

they still gossip and slander my name at my old place, criticising my work, whether good or bad. it's almost two months, and i have left no bad blood, but i guess, sometimes, u just can't escape the ghosts.... never mind, i've left. i will work hard, and i will improve. the ghosts may still be there, but i'm not looking back.

life's not fair...

2006-05-08T16:36:00.000+08:00

late last nite..more accurately, early this morning, i was having a conversation with my brother's friend. at the age of 25, he's upset, why is life so unfair? he has worked long and hard, given his blood and sweat, but despite his best efforts, he has failed his exams many times. he's a smart young man, and it is not by a lack of intelligence nor effort that hinders his efforts. most of his friends have already started work, some have even started their own family...but he is still waiting for his results...to know if his hardwork has paid off, and if he can finally graduate.

is it true that when we are born, our destiny has already predetermined our life? is that why some of us are born with a silver spoon, and others have to struggle to find their next meal? does having to work extra hard for what others acheive easily mean that life is unfair? when help seems to be lacking, when nothing seems to be going right, when hope is diminishing, who can we blame for the unfairness in our lives? are we actually in control or are there greater powers at work here?

in despair, we would like to blame someone else....anyone, for our misfortune. in hope, we pray to the higher beings for divine intervention. in honesty, we need to identify our mistakes and weaknesses, for god only help those who help themselves....

yes, life is unfair. it is up to ourselves to fight for what we want. the best defense we have against this unfairness is hope, belief in youself and god(for he is there to help, not do everything), and persistance....and at the end of the day, whatever the outcome...you know you gave your best.

all the best, to those who are waiting for life to take a better turn....

and for your last defense, certainly not the least...are your loved ones and your friends...for WE BELIEVE IN YOU.

colours...

2006-05-07T22:13:00.000+08:00

i've been reading a few other people's blogs...some to pass the time, some to catch up on my friends...something caught my eye recently. have u seen the highly acclaimed movie, sepet, directed by one of malaysia's finest, yasmin ahmad? this is her blog...she tells a fine tale....my friend recommended it to me...
http://yasminthestoryteller.blogspot.com/

the movie, sepet, was about love and friendship, but more importantly, it potrays the heart of malaysia. where colour and race...counts, but it's not the most important thing.

when i was a kid, my best friends were my partners in crime. we laughed, we played, we cried together....when i grew up, thanks to the education system, i soon realised that we were competitors too. we had to compete for places in the best class, in the university, in the government scholarship scheme. it was then i realised that my best friends were different ....colour.....

thanks to the government, i learned that it was not my contribution nor my efforts that really matters. that equal opportunities are not really equal. that my birth, who i marry and my religious belief is more important when obtaining a loan, purchasing a house or even starting a business.

i saw some children playing today at a fast food play area....and the colours i saw were beautiful...they were all mixed together...like the coloured balls in the play pen....colours of the rainbow...colours of harmony....

have u count ur blessings recently?

2006-05-05T16:23:00.000+08:00

are u happy? are u content? what does these two words mean? many people, young and old don't really understand, nor do they seem able to attain these two.

sometimes we spent our whole lives searching...for that special something which we believe will be able to give us happiness, and contentment. but do u know what u are actually searching for? or are u just stumbling along? seraching for something elusive, mystical, unattainable?

sometimes we think that by working harder, getting promoted would be the key to happiness. or getting hitched to the special guy or girl would mean happy ever after. perhaps, it's getting that pair of shoes or watch that u have been coveting for. maybe it's fulfilling ur parents' wishes and dreams...to become a doctor or getting a six figure salary.

how many among you think that there is still something lacking in your life? have u count your blessings recently? having a roof over your head, knowing when your next meal is coming, having loved ones who cares about you....perhaps we will never be satisfied with what we have. living a life that many will envy may not bring the expected happiness we want.

perhaps happiness and contentment have to be learned. just like grace, appreciation, thanksgiving, and humility. you can spend your whole life searching, yet, if you do not know what you are searching for, it will be fruitless. you won't be able to find happiness.

you can be surrounded by all that you have ever dreamed for or desired. but if you haven't learn to appreciate, if you aren't satisfied with what you have, you won't find contentment.

for buddhists, reaching a state of enlightment, the ultimate state of happiness and contentment, means being willing to renounce all things worldly-physical, mental, emotional-...cravings, attachments, desires, even family ties. perhaps the key to happiness and contentment is really as simple as it is. to stop craving, and desiring. to stop counting what you don't have and to take stock of the blessings you already have. and then.... to be willing to let it all go....perhaps then, you shall be able to acheive happiness, and contentment.

she remembers...

2006-05-04T01:17:00.000+08:00

when my maternal grandfather passed away several years ago, all of us missed him dearly. each of us, in our own way. for some of us, it was really difficult to accept that his time had come. he lived his life well, happy and full. he had many children, and even more grandchildren. he forged his own way in malaysia when he was just seventeen. he came from china, looking for better opportunities. with barely a shirt on his back, he managed to build his own business, and sent 8 out of his 10 children abroad to study. he foresaw visions ahead of his time, and encouraged them to migrate too, to build better lives for themselves.

when he passed away, my grandmother was angry, so angry that he left her alone. angry that he didn't bring her along. to cope with her anger, and her sorrow, she slowly retreated into her own world. she retreated into her world, where she only remembers certain events or things. and she is happy there. most of the time, she cannot remember if she had dinner, or perhaps she may not remember my name, even though she says my face is familiar. she remembers her youth though, when she used to fight at the water line, waiting for her ration of water. and she remembers how to speak in malay, a dialect she uses when she was younger, to converse with her neighbours from Jawi, Indonesia.

sometimes, she does not remember her husband's name, and she gets confused easily, when asked for answers. but, there is a jade ring on her finger, which she never takes off. when i jokingly said i'll trade my silver ring for hers, she refuses. "it's my engagement ring, you see. your grandfather and i exchanged rings for our engagement, and i can't exchange it with you."

she does not remember the time, nor the place. she recognises her children and grandchildren faces, eventhough she may not be able to place the name correctly. but she remembers...she remembers the love of her life, and the ring that signifies it. she remembers....

letting go...(part 2, please read part 1 first)

2006-04-30T02:05:00.000+08:00

today, my friend had to make a difficult decision. 3 months and 3 days after his dog, itch, was diagnosed with renal failure, my friend had to decide that it was time to let go. as a vet, he was fully aware of that itch would be suffering if his condition was prolonged. all measures that could have been taken were carried out. at 12:34am, 30th april, 2006, itch went to heaven, with the help of my friend. some call it mercy killing, others know it as humane euthanasia. whatever the name, it is a means to end the pain and suffering of itch, quickly, painlessly, literally. but it will be a long, long time, before my friend will be able to let go of itch emotionally.

a vet is required to explain to a client the importance, the concept and the responsibilty of ending the suffering of a pet too ill to recover. why is it then, that we understand the need to make this decision for our pets, but deprive the option for our loved ones? when the time comes, why do we lack the compassion to stop their suffering and their pain, but most importantly, to let them die with the dignity that they had lived?

good bye itch, i hope that u will be happy in the evergreen fields of up above. u will be dearly missed, especially by your partners in crime, dunker and coffee. and your best friend.

letting go...(part1)

2006-04-30T01:12:00.000+08:00

one of life's inevitable experience is learning to let go....physically, mentally and emotionally. when u are a kid, u have to learn to let go of ur parent's hand, to take ur first step by yourself. then u learn to let go of the toy in your hand, and learn the joy of sharing. as u grow up, u learn to let go of ur favourite past times-watching tv, skipping rope, day dreaming, to make time for more important things like studying and getting good grades. then u learn to let go of the security of your child hood home to gain independence, knowledge and maybe a life partner.

but the hardest part of letting go....is learning to let go of your loved ones. remember how worried your parents are when you have to leave them to pursue your studies? remember how it felt to let go of your first love, not because love has died, but because you realise that love alone does not mean you are compatible. sometimes, death has already claimed your loved ones, but it doesn't mean you have learned to let go.

letting go means accepting that it is already in your past, that you have to acknowledge the burning pain in your chest and release it. that without you, your loved ones have moved away, whether into the other realm or simply out of your life. to let go means that you pick up the pieces of your heart, and your memories, and allow time to painstakingly put them back together again...but it will never be the same. you may learn to laugh again, or to even cry, but it does not mean that you have forgotten about them. merely, that you have learned that to continue living, you have to let go of the past, live in the present and look into the future. but time does not really heal the pain, nor make it go away, sometimes, time just allows you to learn to deal with the pain better.

are weddings good for u?

2006-04-29T00:55:00.000+08:00

how many weddings have u gone to? not counting ur own...especially for u singles/unmarried out there. for the unmarrieds (meaning u're in a relationship but haven't jumped yet!), at a wedding the inevitable question will be ...when's urs? and if u're single...do u have a boyfriend/partner? why don't u get one? (God forbid u have a life if u're single or unmarried) woe is it if the wedding u attend will be filled with relatives, then u wished the drink was stronger and they get too drunk to badger u.

to the guest, weddings means that u have to give an appropriate gift...be it money or otherwise. in a year, if u attend ten weddings, it means u have to spend a minimum of $500 to $1000, depending on ur financial abilities. n, that's not it, for ladies, they have to get outfits and make-up, and hair-dos, and manicure, etc... and goodness, there better not be two similar outfits at the same wedding!!!

if u get a wedding invitation, u might think, oh no! more expenditure!!! especially if u're not very close to the couple...then u think, to go or not to go (but of course, first u think happy thoughts for the lucky couple ;0) but if u don't get an invitation, n u hear of it later from another friend, u might think, whew, lucky me...or why wasn't i invited and feel hurt.

besides, weddings are also a chance to meet ur mutual friends n catch up on the latest gossips. u get to check out ur friends and see if they brought a partner, if they've gained weight, looks better/worse and see how they are doing generally, in comparison to u. and if u're single n lucky, u may meet someone special and start another wedding in motion. oh, and if u're lucky, the food will be good and the music tolerable (please let there be no karaoke!), and the drinks flowing!

so, what do u think? are weddings good for u? me? weddings are happy occasions to celebrate with my friends, as long as i don't get too many invites in a year...they're a reminder of time passing, my own single status, and they're bad for the pocket! anyways, i wish the couple whose wedding dinner i'm going to attend tommorrow a beautiful and lasting marriage...yum seng!!!

savour...

2006-04-28T01:11:00.000+08:00

does the poem from my previous entry seem familiar? some of u may remember it from tomb raider 1(the movie). read it, at least once. i think there's alot that's being said. i think, everytime i read it, i find something new. it's one of my favourite.

i love the first four lines, and i think that if we live our life like that, then no moment is wasted. when was the last time u slowed down n observe the sunset. the smell of freshly brewed coffee? the laughter of a child. some people try to put too much significance into any experience...oh, the movie wasn't up to my standard, the food was not well prepared...try n just savour it for what it is...sometimes at face value. savour the feel of a heart felt hug. ur first mouth of cold lemonade on a blistering hot day.

go on, savour ur breathe, the very sensation of feeling alive...

Auguries of Innocence - William Blake

2006-04-28T00:55:00.000+08:00

To see a world in a grain of sand
And a heaven in a wild flower,
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand
And eternity in an hour.
A robin redbreast in a cage
Puts all heaven in a rage.
A dove-house filled with doves and pigeons
Shudders hell through all its regions.
A dog starved at his master's gate
Predicts the ruin of the state.
A horse misused upon the road
Calls to heaven for human blood.
Each outcry of the hunted hare
A fibre from the brain does tear.
A skylark wounded in the wing,
A cherubim does cease to sing.
The game-cock clipped and armed for fight
Does the rising sun affright.
Every wolf's and lion's howl
Raises from hell a human soul.
The wild deer wandering here and there
Keeps the human soul from care.
The lamb misused breeds public strife,
And yet forgives the butcher's knife.
The bat that flits at close of eve
Has left the brain that won't believe.
The owl that calls upon the night
Speaks the unbeliever's fright.
He who shall hurt the little wren
Shall never be beloved by men.
He who the ox to wrath has moved
Shall never be by woman loved.
The wanton boy that kills the fly
Shall feel the spider's enmity.
He who torments the chafer's sprite
Weaves a bower in endless night.
The caterpillar on the leaf
Repeats to thee thy mother's grief.
Kill not the moth nor butterfly,
For the Last Judgment draweth nigh.
He who shall train the horse to war
Shall never pass the polar bar.
The beggar's dog and widow's cat,
Feed them, and thou wilt grow fat.
The gnat that sings his summer's song
Poison gets from Slander's tongue.
The poison of the snake and newt
Is the sweat of Envy's foot.
The poison of the honey-bee
Is the artist's jealousy.
The prince's robes and beggar's rags
Are toadstools on the miser's bags.
A truth that's told with bad intent
Beats all the lies you can invent.
It is right it should be so:
Man was made for joy and woe;
And when this we rightly know
Through the world we safely go.
Joy and woe are woven fine,
A clothing for the soul divine.
Under every grief and pine
Runs a joy with silken twine.
The babe is more than swaddling bands,
Throughout all these human lands;
Tools were made and born were hands,
Every farmer understands.
Every tear from every eye
Becomes a babe in eternity;
This is caught by females bright
And returned to its own delight.
The bleat, the bark, bellow, and roar
Are waves that beat on heaven's shore.
The babe that weeps the rod beneath
Writes Revenge! in realms of death.
The beggar's rags fluttering in air
Does to rags the heavens tear.
The soldier armed with sword and gun
Palsied strikes the summer's sun.
The poor man's farthing is worth more
Than all the gold on Afric's shore.
One mite wrung from the labourer's hands
Shall buy and sell the miser's lands,
Or if protected from on high
Does that whole nation sell and buy.
He who mocks the infant's faith
Shall be mocked in age and death.
He who shall teach the child to doubt
The rotting grave shall ne'er get out.
He who respects the infant's faith
Triumphs over hell and death.
The child's toys and the old man's reasons
Are the fruits of the two seasons.
The questioner who sits so sly
Shall never know how to reply.
He who replies to words of doubt
Doth put the light of knowledge out.
The strongest poison ever known
Came from Caesar's laurel crown.
Nought can deform the human race
Like to the armour's iron brace.
When gold and gems adorn the plough
To peaceful arts shall Envy bow.
A riddle or the cricket's cry
Is to doubt a fit reply.
The emmet's inch and eagle's mile
Make lame philosophy to smile.
He who doubts from what he sees
Will ne'er believe, do what you please.
If the sun and moon should doubt,
They'd immediately go out.
To be in a passion you good may do,
But no good if a passion is in you.T
he whore and gambler,
by the stateLicensed,
build that nation's fate.
The harlot's cry from street to street
Shall weave old England's winding sheet.
The winner's shout,
the loser's curse,
Dance before dead England's hearse.
Every night and every morn
Some to misery are born.
Every morn and every night
Some are born to sweet delight.
Some are born to sweet delight,
Some are born to endless night.
We are led to believe a lie
When we see not through the eye
Which was born in a night to perish in a night,
When the soul slept in beams of light.
God appears, and God is light
To those poor souls who dwell in night,
But does a human form display
To those who dwell in realms of day.

why blog?

2006-04-27T01:42:00.000+08:00

we all want to leave a mark in this world...whether its visible or not, whether only u know about it...or the whole world...

some people accomplish great things...build monuments, create masterpieces of art or contribute to soceity....

some create atrocities...war...rape...murder...sometimes very apparent, sometimes insidious...

some do so quietly, enough to know themselves that they have done something significant, something which means something to themselves...

i guess blogging is just the common way now....especially if i write something crude, or sexually explicit or volatile... but for me, a platform for me to speak my mind...and hopefully not bore anyone to death...cheers...here's to a start!